Tick tock

The clock is ticking: in another month PBR Built Ford Tough Series bull riders will be wrapping, and the bulls will be bucking. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for the action. I think the summer break has been good for not only the cowboys but also the fans: media saturation had created eyeball fatigue. Also, my ears are still bent from all the commentator yammering about J.B. Mauney.

Before then, on July 25 and 26, Championship Bull Riding is holding its Finals in Cheyenne, so you don’t have to suffer a drought. You can see their events on primetime TV, on Fox Sports News. The schedule is posted on their website: http://www.cbrbull.com/cbrtv.ht. No yammering, just good riding.

And don’t forget the PRCA: their CBSSports Network broadcasts start on Aug. 6, although that one’s a Cowboy Christmas Season update. Go figure.

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The Krazy Kowboy Grammar Book

While I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting for the televised bull riding reason to appear, I assembled a few goodies going as far back as 2010–and this is without trying very hard. There’s plenty more buried in other posts– and this season will add to the list. Can’t wait (as I writhe in my seat).

THE KRAZY KOWBOY GRAMMAR BOOK

“It’s amazing to see how far the PBR had came.” I think ya might call that the Past-Past, or Double Past tense.

“That bull knew he done been rode.” In English, that would be the Past-Past-Past tense, but in bull ridin’, that’s the Cowboy Emphatic tense.

“He is got that down.” I think that’s the present tense; couldn’t say for sure.

“They had just a lot of mediocre good bulls.” Okay, not a case of scrambled verbs, but I kinda think a bull’s either mediocre or he’s good, so this would be called Oppositional Adjectives.

“He rode as good as he has rode in the last couple of years.” That is definitely the Past-And-Really-Past tense.

Latest development: Forget “rank,” “really rank” or “very rank”—the new superlative is Double Rank. McKee ran out of adjectives.

“I don’t think anybody has rode two bulls going into the championship round with two 90-point rides.” That ol’ Simultaneous Present-Past tense.

“I believe I’ll get him rode today.” Now that’s the Present-Future-Past tense, courtesy of Ross Coleman.

“Holdin’ onto his bull rope, that’s certainly gonna be the difference-maker here.” Sounds suspiciously like being “the decider.”

“and a whole lot of power Brazilian strength.” As opposed to that power Brazilian weakness.

“When Brendon’s riding well, everything seems to be clicking for him.” Uh-huh, because you’d hate to have that clicking going on when you’re riding badly.

“Now let’s move even further into the present.” Wow.

“…after they see what he may have went through.” There’s just no excuse for this, boys.

“Most bulls got more personality than most people.” If I had to guess, this sounds like Cody Lambert talking. Or somebody talking about Cody Lambert.

“He absolutely efforted himself through that ride.” Ty Murray has invented a whole new language.

“That bull got kind of an effervescent feeling.” You know, like Alka Seltzer.

“I was beat up, crippled up…” Sounds like the opening of a cowboy blues song.

“He has got his fire under his motor.” A motor on fire is not a good omen.

“He’s goin’ in his own motor hisself.” I don’t know what the heck that means.

“Looks like he could’ve ate a sandwich up there.” I don’t think the verb tense is the issue here as much as it is the amount of time Cody Nance takes in the chute.

“He coulda rode this bull all day long and all day tomorrow, too.” Past-future tense?

“It’s the real filthy kinda dirt.” As opposed to the real clean kind of dirt.

“He disgusted hisself.” I think what fools the guys here is that “herself” is a real word, so they assume “hisself” must be, too. Wrong.

“He’da a broke me right there.” As in, breaking a horse?

“I thought my pelvis was broke.” What have they got against using the last “n” in the word?

“He’s gotta get one rode here.” So far not one cowboy seems to know that there is such a word as “ridden,” which would solve a lot of their f’ed up verb tenses.

“Marchi never faced a real injury that has shooken him up.” No, but I think he may have been shooked up.

“Look at the rare” on him. Rare, as in steak?

“JB Mauney has slayed the dragon!” Putting aside the apocalyptic tone of that sentence, “slayed” is wrong, and I’m not going to tell you what’s the right word because I’m sick of this Mauney Messiah business.

“He’s came here and he’s rode…” I’m surprised they don’t think there’s a word called “roden.”

“I thought I had him rode until I nodded my head, and that’s where it all went wrong.” P.F.F. in itself; if everyone could think themselves into making a ride, there would be no need to get on the bull.

“The time has completely ran out.” Ya hate when that happens.

“We’ll see how well the judges think it is.” That one came out of Craig Hummer’s mouth—he’s suddenly channeling cowboys.

“We’re gettin’ bruised an’ sored up.” Yes, those are the correct medical terms.

“Guilherme has rode for so long…” What can I say? It’s true—though not in that verb tense.

“The consistencies that he’s rode with…” I just don’t see why you have to back into a sentence like that. How about, “he’s ridden with consistency”? I’ll bet it sounds wrong to Ty Murray.

“The pendulum has swung back to the judges’ discretion.” OMG, this is another Hummer gem—the verb may be okay, but was the pendulum swinging back to the judges’ indiscretion before?

“Pain hurts.” Wow.

“He’s even threw up while he was in the chute.” Sounds like he got it done before he was even in the chute.

“From this angle you’re not gonna be able to see the trueness of how it was.” Sometimes you just can’t top Ty Murray for bizarre mangling of the English language.

“That can be very hard if you let your brain understand that.” I don’t know about you, but I can keep my brain from understanding a lot of things.

“It’s already like an explosion has went off.” So much for the element of surprise.

“JB gets better when he gets sorer.” As in madder? Or as in, “beat up, crippled up”?

“I don’t think he has came back with it.” I don’t think he has went with it, either.

“The strongest guy in the world is not gonna be able to strength his way through this.” Just like he can’t effort his way through it.

“You can’t just be settin’ up there in a prone position.” I am in despair over this one.

“All the inertia going away from you.” I wonder what it would be like if all the inertia came toward me.

“He almost is like dancing on his feet… knuckling them over…” Most dancing is done with the feet, unless you’re in Cirque du Soleil. And I don’t think most bulls have knuckles, but I could be wrong.

“That was as well of a controlled bull ride as you’re ever gonna see.” The difference between “well” and “good” seems to be a lost cause.

“Another notch in his pistol.” Bedpost would’ve been better, although out of context here.

“St. Louis, I didn’t ride very good, so I needed to refresh my brain.” Put it through the wringer, dude.

“That bull’s kinda terrible wild.” Well, “kinda” terrible wild is better than “really” terrible wild, I suppose.

“No one has rode more bulls” No one has ridden more bulls, either. Ever. In the history of the world.

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LAST COWBOY STANDING – Sunday

Nearly the first second of the broadcast was about J.B. Mauney—but they also featured Robson Palermo and new kid on the block, 18-year-old Jess Lockwood. They are all losing their minds over Jess already, just like they did over Cooper Davis. He is exciting to watch, though.
Later in the event, poor Jess took on Air Time, the $50K bounty bull. “That’s gonna buy him a lotta corsages for the prom,” cracked Craig. We heard the loud smack of Lockwood’s head against the bull. The kid looked all shook up, fading across the lot to the trailer, disappointed. I’d hate to be inside his head at this moment. Probably questioning his place in the universe. 47.50 for the bull.
We also had to hear (again) about J.B. being a mentor to Lockwood. Didn’t we just go through that with Derek Kolbaba? How many riders is J.B. “mentoring”? And does that consist of telling them, “Don’t stop trying till your head hits the ground”? Just asking. Same quote from J.B. as last time, slightly revised from “He’s going to be around for a long time, longer than I am” to “He’s going to be around for a long time.” Interesting.

QUOTABLE (FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE)
• “That kid [Kaique Pacheco] mechanically is as good as anyone we’ve got.”—Ty Murray.
• “When you see both legs straight up, that’s what tells you the bull is in control.”—Ty, master of the obvious.
• “You have to try as hard as you can without trying too hard.”—Ty again.
• “They can kill you on accident.” Ty has a serious preposition problem.
• Every time I hear Hummer’s “Derek Kolbaba has been able to dominate the potpourri of power” I laugh. It just doesn’t get old.

SHANE PROCTOR’S BUMMER OF A SPRING
“It has turned into a season of discontent” for Shane, Hummer said; I wonder if he even knows where that phrase is from. 25 consecutive buckoffs, and yet Shane’s #7 in the world. He’s going to have surgery to get some screws and metal taken out of his arm(s); it will keep him out of action for a few months.

RANDOM THINGS YOU SHOULD BE REMINDED OF
• Kaique Pacheco came in with a 49.07% riding percentage, and finished with 50.75%.
• Fabiano Vieira came in at #4 in the world. By Round 3, he was #3, with a 51.61% riding percentage.
• Eduardo Aparecido is #6 in the world.
• Jay Miller had football scholarship offers.
• Cochise scored 45. Interesting double kick right at the gate.
• 15 guys rode in Round 1 (that’s a lotta rides), none better than Robson Palermo on Swashbuckler for 89 points.

I’M JUST SAYIN’…
• In Round 2 Ryan Dirteater‘s bull Calypso hipped himself and his rear end came out in a different direction, but there was no re-ride offered. Whatever happened to that “changing the trajectory of the ride” thing?
• J.B. Mauney came in with a 53.49% riding percentage, and left with 54.17%. Justin McBride called him the best rider in a decade. Where is your brain, McBride? I’ve got two words for you: ADRIANO MORAES. As I saw J.B.’s ride on Moto Moto, I thought to myself (who else would I be thinking to?), “Watch the score be ridiculous,” and sure enough it was: 89.75, which of course moved him to #1 in Round 2 (his only ride). The judges had to have him win something. (“He’s never won a major, he’s never won a major,” was the repeated refrain.) The Booth Boys were all rah-rah, even after he kept getting bucked off. They even gave us “more inside information” about J.B. Why don’t they just post his X-rays online? I’m sure there must be some nook or cranny of him they haven’t told us about.
• Round 3: Stanley Fatmax had been ridden by only one guy (Tanner Byrne, for 86.75), and Eduardo Aparecido became the second. 85.50?? YOU SUCK, YOU JUDGES! This bull obviously has a big difficulty factor, and you shaft Eduardo with a mediocre score? If that was J.B. on his back, it would’ve been 90 or more. To add injury to insult (yes, I meant that), Aparecido took a big shot to the face–without a face mask.
• I love how in “Behind the Ride,” J.W. Harris talked about Tuff Hedeman (no love lost between Tuff and the PBR) and Don Gay, instead of the usual PBR icons. I hope they don’t slap him down for this. The PBR can be very gangsta.
• Kaique Pacheco on Wicked scored 89.75 – they couldn’t squeak out that last .25? Ding!
• Big Cat is unridden. Ty described what the bull would do, and it was good enough to get rid of J.B. Mauney, who exited grimacing and half-hobbling. All I could think of was Flint Rasmussen’s crack a few years ago that if you buck off, you’d better walk out with a limp. J.B.’s been taking that very seriously.

DULY NOTED
During this event there was a brief trio of boxes in the upper right hand corner of the PBR website homepage about bareback bronc riding, barrel racing, and one more event I didn’t catch. Is this an inkling of future plans to expand into rodeo events?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?
PBR has announced a bull riding “Academy” for junior high, high school, and kids in special camps. Sounds great—but there’s a dark side. The behemoth has found another way to screw over the smaller fry. What about the bull riding clinics run by Shane Proctor, Wiley Peterson, Dustin Elliott, Cody Custer, Terry Don West?—not to mention Gary Leffew! Unless they’re geographically insulated from PBR outposts, they can’t compete. Maybe the PBR could just finance them, like a franchise, and they could keep going; of course the tradeoff is, all their best riders graduate to PBR school. And no doubt PBR scouts will be scouring clinics and camps for fodder to put in their pipeline. I bet they’ll offer scholarships for guys they think are BFTS-bound. I’ll also bet they won’t be spending money importing more Killer Bs. In fact, this whole operation smells like Brazilian-protection. It’s not just about stepping up to rank bulls.

HAPPY ENDINGS
Pacheco wins Round 3.
In Round 4, there was only one ride: the winner.
Eduardo Aparecido had to take on Asteroid five minutes after a blast of Stanley Fatmax. How come there was no big fuss about this, when the Booth Boys get all sympathetic for certain other riders if they have to take another bull just a few minutes after the last one? 44.25 for the bull.
Kaique took on Little Red Jacket for 88 points, $100K, and the #1 in the world slot. Not bad for a day’s work. The fun part was seeing Guilherme Marchi and Silvano Alves hoisting little Kaique in the air and Adriano Moraes giving him a bear hug.

THE FLY IN THE OINTMENT
There was no televised interview with Kaique. The PBR never has a translator any more. This way they can talk about J.B. not being #1 instead of Kaique being #1. Shitheads.

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Elite Rodeo Athletes results from Albuquerque event

From their email:

On the other end of the arena, [Cody] Ohl turned in another impressive performance. His bull Bushwacked bucked off ERA’s then No. 1 bull rider Kanin Asay in an extraordinary 2.54 seconds, remarkably similar to his three-time World Champion father Bushwacker (Julio Moreno Bucking Bulls).

After four consecutive no-score competitions, Canada’s Ty Pozzobon rode to his second win of the season aboard Red Neck with 84 points. Cody Campbell (Summerville, Oregon) captured second place, a repeat of Friday night’s results, with an 81-point ride on Buster (TNT Rodeo). A third place finish for Chandler Bownds (79 points) resulted in a return to the No. 1 position in the ERA bull riding world standings for the Lubbock, Texas, cowboy. Campbell moved from sixth to No. 2 in the overall rankings.”

I’d keep my eye on Bushwacker’s son if I were you.

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THE BULLS WON

I have been a slacker lately; reporting for a newspaper fulltime cuts into my bullriding blogging! I have a backlog of notes, but people get testy if I post something too late, so I let the events go by. The only way I’d get to cover a bullriding story is if a rider or bull lived along the Hudson River below Tarrytown and above Manhattan. Not likely. But if anyone does know of such a creature, please let me know. I wouldn’t want the story assigned to someone else!:)

Billings 15/15

The headline is, THE BULLS WON.

Of course the first name we hear is JB Mauney’s, even though he had to doctor out of the event, but to give the PBR credit, they did update their opening montage with several Brazilian riders.

RANDOM NOTES:
The Top 5 riders are separated by 300 points, so I wouldn’t be “coronating” J.B. just yet, boys.
João Ricardo Vieira is tied for the most 15/15 wins.

THE BIG 500
Mike Lee’s 500th ride happened this weekend on Tahonta’s Magic; not a shabby bull, either. Lee joins Guilherme Marchi as the only other guy to break 500. And they’re both still ticking. You can bet that was the happiest run around the ring Mike’s had.

THE STATE OF ASTEROID
It’s Asteroid’s make-or-break appearance. Can you believe this? The bull had a year and a half of retirement, and hasn’t quite got back up to his own standard, which compared to other bulls is still superior. Give the boy a break, Lambert! He’s got a 92.98% buckoff rate. Ever optimistic co-host Justin McBride predicted at least a 45 score for Asteroid, even though Lachlan Richardson was on his back, and yes indeed, the bull scored 45.

YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG. (which is SO not good English)(neither is that)

  • McBride predicted a ride for Derek Kolbaba on Brutus. Kolbaba is #1 on the BlueDEF tour, but the bull’s 3rd jump snapped him off his back. I mean, literally. The bull’s backfield gave him a push that send him flying and earned the bull 44.
  • Cooper Davis on Wicked resulted in a slap, buckoff, and hangup. Said Craig Hummer: “A ride that could have been headed for the record books turning into a wrecking…” whatever. 44.75 for the bull.
  • Stetson Lawrence got on Crossfire, who once was ridden by Cooper Davis for 91.50 in Albuquerque. The bull’s stat: he’s downed 23 out of 24 riders. Score: 44.25. Hummer to McBride: “I really thought you were going to say that’s the first time you’ve ever been wrong.” Justin bursts out laughing. “No. Just ask my wife.”

GAACK

  • Gage Gay took on Long John, defending World Champion Bucking Bull, with predictable results. From the twisted tongue of Hummer: “He just seemed to overdominate Gage Gay.” 46.50 for one of the two bulls everyone loves this year. (Air Time being the other)
  • Kaique Pacheco is in a –gasp! – sophomore slump. Who’da thunk it? Beaver Creek Beau was his 11th (I think—I can’t read my typing) straight buckoff. 44.50 for the Beau. (I decided that’s what he should be called. If Hummer can make shit up, so can I.)
  • Big Cat is unridden, and has 13 straight buckoffs. But the bull smacked his butt against the chute on the way out, and bounced in the other direction. Eduardo Aparecido couldn’t take the re-ride, though. He was stunned on the ground when other Brazilian riders jumped to his side and sports med came out to take care of him. It’s great how the older Brasileiros take care of their puppy.

OH NOT THIS AGAIN
The new Bad Boy Mower Ho clearly got her job with her measurements, because she sure stinks as an actress. I suppose we’re being trained to think this is an improvement because she’s not wearing hotpants and a belly-button shirt half unbuttoned. It’s still gross that dirty old men think she’ll be theirs if they ride around on their lawns on a noisy putt-putt.

WOW.

  • Mike Lee in his interview: “Being 30 is a different life age.” Ponder that.
  • It was nice to see his first-ever ride in Tampa in 2002 on Bubba. He won that first event. He’s been bull riding since he was 18, and he’s now 33. Mikey, your math…
  • On Seven Dust—Aww! He made it to 7.04. The bull was pulling some low down moves, spinning and kicking up dust. After he dispatched Lee, he got a piece of Shorty and bullfighter extraordinaire Frank the Tank. “That’s a big scary bull, and I went at him,” Lee said truthfully, then spun off into his Biblical rap. Sigh. Does he not get that this is TV, and they want sound bytes, not your philosophy of life?

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

  • Tanner Byrne is in a depressing mini-slide right now: 6 buckoffs in a row, even after winning in Anaheim and Duluth (the first two event wins of his career). Little Joe didn’t help matters anyway, bucking him off quickly, even though Canadianaaronroy was helping him at the chute. I put it down to sleep deprivation. New daddies be like that. However, “The great thing about Tanner Byrne is that he doesn’t have a panic button,” McBride said. He compared Tanner to Owen Washburn, 1996 World Champ.
  • Wallace Vieira de Oliveira, who is leading the rookie race, said that Slinger, Jr. reminds him of Brazilian bulls. He’s got 11 straight buckoffs. McBride voted for Wallace, Shorty for the bull. So far the only person to ride him has been Stetson Lawrence. “I’m an eternal optimist, Craig,” was McBride’s explanation. The bull didn’t even have time to go around to the right, as he was supposed to do at some point before he bucked off de Oliveira.
  • Shane Proctor, too, is on a 15 buckoff streak (15 so far). Bruiser made it 16, and scored 45.

LOST CAUSE
Even João Ricardo Vieira stood no chance against Stanley Fatmax, who’s caused 70 buckoffs in his 7 years on the Built Ford Tough Series. He’s 1 for 43. This was the third time he bucked off Vieira. Score wasn’t great (43.25), but why isn’t this bull in the running for World Champion? Just ‘cause he’s not flashy?

BEHIND THE RIDE
This segment was basically the PBR’s big pat on its own back, but it’s nice to hear the riders’ side of how they feel about fans. Those autograph sessions and photo ops really are one of the best things the PBR does, and they’d better keep doing it, because they need the good will. BTW, for all the hot air about J.B. Mauney being a “fan favorite,” how many times has he ever come onto the dirt or done a session for the fans? Even in New York, which is an event the PBR always makes a big deal of, he doesn’t show his face. At least not for the past 5 years he hasn’t. People should pay attention to actions, not words.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
Ryan Dirteater has won two events this season, Phoenix and Little Rock, and keeps getting better and better. Unfortunately Fire & Smoke spoiled it (and scored 44). It really looked like Ryan was going to make the buzzer, until 7.32.

WHAAA?
Paolo Lima, #4 in the world, looked like he jumped off Little Red Jacket. 44.50 for LRJ.

NOOO!
Cochise attacked Fabiano Vieira; this was their third pairing, and I guess he was sick of the dude. Fabiano’s shoulder and right thigh were bothering him (get the surgery!!), and he came off the bull when he opened up with his outside leg, at 7.94. Vieira challenged the time, god knows why, and in the review, he lost time, bringing it down to 7.6. I’ve seen a rider gain time only once, and I wish I remembered who it was. How he could’ve thought he was closer to 8, I don’t know, but I guess the #2 rider in the world doesn’t have to flinch at losing $500. In any case, I still resent and have my suspicions about having two different clocks for the judges to choose from.

HERE’S THE  THING–
Asteroid’s average score is 45.6. Hummer says he’s been ridden one out of 34 (or was it 35?) times. Either he’s forgetting J.B. (is that even possible?) or the rides have been since Mauney rode him, but at least he didn’t forget that three-time (some still say four) World Champion Silvano Alves rode him at the last Finals he won. Get this: poor Lachlan Richardson has been on the bull four times. Mathematically, what are the odds, Cody? Anyway: this was a classic example of the Catch 22 of scoring: if the bull bucks off his rider too soon, he gets a lower score because the judges don’t see enough of what he can do. Hello, he bucked the guy off; what more do you want? And if a guy rides him for too long, the bull gets a lower score, too, because he couldn’t buck off the guy sooner. Asteroid still scored 45, but if Richardson made it to 7 seconds, would the score have been better, or lower? Nobody has ever clarified this.

THE WORD FROM ON HIGH, FROM THE GUY WHO CONSTANTLY CHANGES HIS MIND
Cody Lambert now says Asteroid is good enough; “He’s still got it.” Still has the potential to be the World Champion. Lambert, you’re making my head spin.

TA-DAA!
The bulls shut out the cowboys, and there was no buckle or trophy or check to the cowboy who came closest to staying on for 8 seconds, as I’ve seen in an occasional other event. (One was a Touring Pro event.)  Neither did they give one to the bulls—or did they? Does a stock contractor get money if his bull was the high scorer? I think Long John’s 46.50 should’ve won him a buckle. It would have to be custom-made to fit around that waist, though. (What waist?)

So the world standings are: #1 JB, #2 Fabiano, #3 Paolo, #4 JRV, #5 Shane, #6 Wallace. I’m pretty amazed at #3 and #6.

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Albuquerque

For all the guff about how cool “The Pit” in Albuquerque is, the fact is, the arena has been named “Wise Pies.” Sorry, too goofy to be cool. I also don’t get what’s supposed to be so cool about those horrendous stairs. I can just imagine what an ordeal it is to find the ladies’ room before you pee your pants.

“One man will cast his spell over the Land of Enchantment,” burbles Craig Hummer, and we’re off and running.

OUT, OUT BRIEF CANDLE
Shane Proctor is no longer #1 in the world. He’s had no qualified rides since winning Iron Cowboy. This was an 0 for 3 weekend.

QUOTABLE (FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE)
• “When you’re gonna get on those mean bulls, the safest place to be is on his back.” —Ty Murray
• “It’s almost like they’re freaks of nature,” says Ty, talking about the handful of guys who have been riding for years: Guilherme Marchi, Mike Lee, Valdiron de Oliveira. “They’re the veterans of the veterans.” Are you calling them old farts?
• Red Bone worked New Zealander Fraser Babbington off to the right side, and “Red Bone should be called Red Barn—that bull is huge.” This time Hummer was right.
• “I still think he has great mental control of his brain.”—Ty. Seriously. Talking about Silvano Alves.

THE ACTION
• Cooper Davis had head-to-head contact with Slow Boogie. He challenged the “no score” call. It was amazing seeing him keep his hand in the rope even as he was flying upside down near the bull, but it just wasn’t in there long enough.
• Reese Cates, 2008 Rookie of the Year, went missing from the BFTS for a bit, then earned his way back from the BlueDEF tour. It didn’t look to me like he made 8 on Hammer It Again, but the ride was reviewed for time twice, and he did just make it, for a nice fat score of 88.75.
• J.B. Mauney almost got bucked off in the chute by Told Ya So in Round 3. And now all the hymns of adoration start, because he won the previous two rounds and became #1. And BTW, god forbid they should put him on the clock. 44 for the bull.
• Alexandre Cardozo is back from having a broken neck. He got bucked off Handsome Jeff, and his legs banged against the fence; he was on his knees for a while. Meanwhile, on his way down, his spur hit Frank Newsom in, um, an unprotected area.
• Aaron Roy (oh dear, I forgot to say Canadian) was slammed flat on the ground by Wicked Stick, and stumbled away dazed. Any time Roy gets bucked off now, or even if he rides and hits the dirt, I gulp, hoping he doesn’t break his back again.
• EEK. Tanner Byrne made noisy head contact with Catfish John, and then the bull swung him around and hard into the ground. Cornball comment from the peanut gallery (and I think you can tell which nut this is): “It’s Catfish John who sets the hook.”
• Eduardo Aparecido’s countermoves and balance on Grandpa Joe made for a pretty perfect ride, in Ty’s opinion. And yet 86.50 was all that perfection got him. Classic case of the brown skin deduction.
• Pearl Harbor was lurching forward hard in chute, and out on the dirt, Silvano bounced several times on the bull’s front end. 45.50 for PH.
• Tanner Byrne was swinging around Stuntin’ Like my Daddy’s side, still holding on. The judges reviewed it for time, but there was no way he made it, much as I would’ve liked to see 8.
• Crossfire has dished out 21 straight buckoffs, but helped earn Cooper Davis a 91.50. Now that was a ride.
• “Cue the music,” gushes Hummer, and we know we’re about to get an overdose of JB. The two times Mauney scored on Long John, in Thackerville last fall and Springfield this spring, JB’s takeaway was 92.25 and 90.25 respectively. It looked like he was glued on and headed for another 90, but—shock, horror!—he got bucked off, and the bull’s takeaway was 46.75, high-marked ride of the night. J.B. slunk away.

HUH?
• What was that?? Don Gay’s head popped into an ad for the Touring Pro Division’s Lafayette, LA gig. Is he now shilling for the PBR?? Or is this the PBR’s attempt to get the CBR into their pipeline? I wonder how Tuff Hedeman feels about it.
• Asteroid is not bucking in this event. Wonder why? Is everyone soured on him now because he wasn’t sensationally outrageous in his last out?
• “Stetson Lawrence is Native American and he feels the crowd better than anyone,” says Ty. “The Navajo Nation is here.” Yeah, but is Stetson a Navajo? He’s from North Dakota. I did like his powwow dance move after his 83.25 ride on Red Dirt Traditions.

LIKIN’ IT
• Seeing the video of J.W. Harris riding Long John. Can’t wait to see J.W. back in action after he finishes recovering from surgery.
• Silvano Alves rode Rebel Yell, which he’d also done at last year’s Finals. He made it look like a piece of cake, and was awarded an 86, while the bull scored 44. He flashed a rare Silvano smile.
• An Athlete’s Profile on the bullfighters. Great idea.

CUTE MOMENTS
• This time the “Hitch’d” supposed comedy segment wasn’t abominable. It was cute seeing Ben Jones “guessing” which rider Shane Proctor’s flash cards are talking about. Of course JB has to be one of them, but at least the hint wasn’t “Fan Favorite.”
• The Mini Bull Riders are adorable. Those little boys are brave and crazy. And where are the girls? I’m sure there are some brave and crazy girls out there—if their parents don’t squash it out of them.

NOT LIKIN’ IT
• Robson Palermo is out with a sore left hand.
• Even though Kaique Pacheco has a 44.12% riding percentage, he’d had 7 buckoffs in a row, which turned into a complete flame-out this weekend. “To stay with the numerology,” said Craig Hummer, completely misinterpreting the word numerology, “his good friend Silvano Alves has bucked off 8 in a row.” Yeah, but then—see above.
• I am so fucking sick of hearing “PBR Fan Favorite” whenever J.B. Mauney is mentioned—and since he’s mentioned every five minutes, I am REALLY fucking sick of hearing it. That monicker makes it sound as if JB’s not only the PBR’s favorite (which he is, and which nobody is supposed to be), but that he’s also the favorite of all the fans (which he’s not). There are other favorites, you ignorant folks at the PBR, and you’re pissing off all of us.
• Bellybutton bimbos on parade, standing at attention at the chutes in case anyone want to grab a handful.
• Valdiron de Oliveira, riding at 30.30%, is in a slump. Flight Plan stumbled and ruined his ride. He challenged the “no score,” but in the video replay, you could see that he touched the bull. The crowd, however, hadn’t seen it, or didn’t believe it, and booed when it was announced.
• Guilherme Marchi (“the Jerry Rice of the PBR” as Ty insists on calling him), suffered a disgraceful instant buckoff by American Sniper. Seeing Marchi scream and grimace on the way out shows he knew it.
• Marchi re-pulled his rope because his hand was too far down the side. Didn’t help his ride. “It really was never a question that Shaft was going to win that battle,” that from Craig, who has been particularly snarky.
• Eduardo Aparecido handled Little Red Jacket’s fancy footwork for an 88.50. How was this ride not worth a 90?? Oh, right—that special math again.
• João Ricardo Viera is riding with a broken nose, courtesy of Wipeout in Round 1—looked brutal in the photo I saw—and had to take on Cochise, no less, who has allowed three people to ride him since July 2014. Paolo Lima this January in New York had the highest score: 90. The bull hipped himself on the chute, but the judges didn’t think that changed the bull’s direction. I don’t like this discretionary stuff. The bull’s score: 44.50.
• Stetson Lawrence the only rider who was 3 for 3 until the Championship Round, cowboyed up and chose Bruiser. If he rides, he wins, no matter what the score. Craig applying his wet blanket: “Did Lawrence over-pick?” Um, did J.B. overpick when he chose Long John and got bucked off?

BOVINES ON THE BLOCK
• Red Dirt Traditions is a debut bull with potential.
• Seven Dust is still unridden, and is finally on peoples’ radar. My radar, I am proud to say, is far ahead of the curve. I noticed this guy right away.
• Big Cat – serious power – 45 – bye-bye Nevada Newman.
• Beaver Creek Beau. Pretty damned big animal. 44.25 for tossing Juliano Antonio da Silva in the Championship Round. (Not liking the tossing, just the performance.)
• Bootjack came into the event with a 1/23 record, and bounced his head off Reese Cates’s face. EEK.

SHAKING MY HEAD
Hummer’s description of Stone Sober: “the bovine version of a Rubik’s cube.” I think it’d be easier decoding a Rubik’s cube than Hummer’s brain. His next descriptive attempt: after we see a video of the bull leaping over a rider (I think it was Renato Nunes, but don’t quote me on it), his hind legs hooked up under him and scrambling, he’s “looking like a snow leopard leaping from a tree.” So apparently Craig has spent some time in the Himalayas and seen one of these rare cats flying through the air.

JUST SAYIN’…
• Notice how when J.B. gets bucked off, the announcers immediately pretend it didn’t happen and go on to talk about something else, instead of harping on the buckoff, as they would do if he were a Brazilian rider, who “can’t ride away from his hand,” or “is in a slump” or “is searching for a score” or “just can’t seem to convert,” etc.
• So Mason Lowe sneaks up and wins his first BFTS event. Note that he did not take a re-ride in Round 1, but kept a 79.25. He scored 86.75 in Round 2, got bucked off in Round 3, and scored 90 on Brutus in the Championship Round. That just doesn’t seem right to me.
• On the clock: Robson Aragao, Juliano Antonio da Silva, Valdiron de Oliveira, and Silvano Alves. Do we see a pattern? Oh, no; I must be paranoid. Conspiracy theory, you know…

A NEW LOW
After he ran through the names of which riders were out with injuries and who didn’t make the Championship Round, Craig Hummer actually said: “By the time we get down to the good ones…” Some of those not-so-good ones should kick his bony ass.

IRREPRESSIBLE
Robson Aragao suffered facial fractures not so long ago, but that didn’t faze Spiderman. “Besides, my face looks better now,” he told Ty.

RESULTS
#2 Stetson Lawrence, #3 Eduardo Aparecido, #4 J.B. Mauney (nobody made a fuss about this; what a surprise—just pretend it didn’t happen and he’s perfect and always wins), & #5 Cooper Davis.
I have no idea why they interviewed Cooper, instead of the #2, 3, or 4 guys, other than that they put him in The New York Times last month (you know: successor to the crown they so regularly bestow on JB), so the hell with the rest of the guys.
What I like about the interviews with Cooper & Mason: they’re succinct. No babbling.

Posted in Built Ford Tough Series, Bull Riding, CBR, cowboys, PBR, Tuff Hedeman | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Phoenix: A Breath of Fresh (Not Hot) Air

I decided to write about the PBR’s Phoenix event and skip all the ones since the Kansas City sham, because Phoenix is the first event in a VERY long time where the judges couldn’t hand favors to their favorite son. We were not bombarded with “The Face of the PBR” propaganda, we had an Athlete Profile about a different rider (though why they chose Mason Lowe is a mystery to me—no offense to Mason), and there weren’t six interviews with the same guy. It was a refreshing experience to see all the riders have a fair chance to earn points. It was a long overdue break from the WWE-style broadcasts we’ve had to endure for months.

The first anomaly on the menu was that Shane Proctor is #1 in the world standings, and his brother-in-law, whose name has been mentioned more than enough, is #2.

The worst of the event, which was not broadcast on TV, was that Roy, Bushwacker’s brother, broke two legs during the Championship Round, and has been euthanized.

QUOTABLE – FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
“When you’re in the groove, even when you do stuff wrong, it comes out right.”—Ty Murray talking about Rubens Barbosa’s 87 on Like a Boss. I am really surprised Craig Hummer didn’t say, “Barbosa shows Like a Boss who’s boss.”
“Air Time—he’s just a freak of nature.”—Ty again.

GRAMMAR FROM ANOTHER PLANET
“He’s not ridin’ nowhere near that now. He couldn’t have got off that bull any quicker.”—Ty, talking about Paulo Lima being #1 in the world standings for a while.

NITWITTICISMS

  • According to The Bummer, Kasey Hayes is “still searching for his relevancy.” I can’t even…
  • “Throwin’ Salt is throwing water on Aparecido.” I try so hard to understand his twisted mind, but…
  • “The shoe drops on the other foot.”—This ostensibly had something to do with Valdiron de Oliveira’s bull, Boots, stumbling out of the gate and confusing Valdiron.
  • Apparently we watched Uncle Tink “take a chink out of Schaper’s momentum.”

SERIOUSLY??
Ty was talking about the injury—a torn MCL– that caused Cody Nance to take 2 months off. “…your legs are very important.”

JUST PLAIN OFFENSIVE
“We go from one Oliveira to another,” said Hummer, in a fog of utter stupidity. There’s no way after all these years that you can still think Valdiron’s last name is Oliveira. It is DE OLIVEIRA. Just like Wallace’s last name is DE OLIVEIRA. How many times do I have to use this analogy for the morons: Cord’s last name is McCOY, not COY. Therefore, you keep the “de.” It’s part of the last name.

BULL ON THE BUBBLE
Asteroid is on the cut line?! A world champion bull, one of the best ever, is now the bubble bull? A couple of not spectacular outs takes the shine off so fast? Is he being held to a higher standard because of his history? Don’t they think changing to a right-hand delivery might have affected his performance here? He seemed confused to me. Now they’re talking up Air Time as opposed to Asteroid.

FASHION ALERT—A SHOCKING ONE!
I like Craig’s outfit: a celery jacket with dark buttons and moss green pleated shirt.

THE RE-RIDE THING AGAIN

  • There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who takes or turns down a re-ride. You just can’t get into the mind of a cowboy.
  • Eduardo Aparecido declined a re-ride in round 1 and kept his 80.75. Well, that makes sense to me. It’s not a horrible score. Why risk it going away?
  • Fabiano’s bull, Flip Out, took a big jump out of the gate, then bucked straight up and down all the way to the Shark Cage.
  • Vieira turned down a re-ride and kept his 71.
  • Paulo Lima’s trip on Clubbanger, a slow spinner whose hind legs didn’t leave the ground all that much, definitely merited a re-ride. He would’ve been stuck with 59.25 if he didn’t take the re-ride on Admiral Bull–except that the Admiral bucked him off. Bet that 59.25 didn’t look so bad then.
  • Tornado didn’t spin, so Fabiano Vieira got a re-ride option. Nope—he kept the 64.25 and declined the re-ride.
  • Not everyone has Silvano’s nerve, though. Alves is the only guy who could turn down a re-ride and keep a stinky score, because he knew it all added up– until the new points system stopped him from using this technique.
  • Brown Sugar had bucked off Ryan Dirteater twice before. This time the bull waltzed on the ground for a moment because his nose grazed the fence, and re-ride flags flew. But the score was 87.75. Why would you give a re-ride with that score? Nobody in their right mind would take that re-ride. He would’ve blown that buckle!

ACTION

  • Stuntin’ Like My Daddy came in at 17/0 against left-handed riders. Powerful hind end twists, catching a lot of air, and boom! Robson Palermo goes flying. 44.25 for the bull. Very amazing to hear, but Robson hasn’t won an event since NYC 2013.
  • My comment on the 3rd matchup between Joao Ricardo Vieira and Air Time: Woo!! Joao had to laugh about how he got flipped up end over end in a cartwheel. And this is the guy who has the highest riding percentage in PBR.
  • Ben Jones on Panda Trax was a wild ride! And that’s not an easy bull. 90.75, and the crowd went nuts.

OH NO HE DIDN’T!
Oh yes, unfortunately, he did. Winston Lopez, tagged as a replacement for The (white) Face of the PBR (whose “personal reasons” kept him out of the event), skipped his sister’s wedding, broke the bank paying for airfare (and a few other means of transportation), and landed on the dirt. “A wasted weekend, when you boil it down and distill it” was Craig Hummer’s comment, showing that he knows nothing about how you make good Scotch.

Said Craig Hummer about Stormy “swings for the fences” Wing: “It would be a rare occurrence indeed for Stormy to have two qualified rides in a weekend.” But isn’t he your “home-run hitter,” you shnook?

I’M JUST SAYIN’…
Now they do a commercial lead-in about Alves! Because their favorite boy wasn’t there, now they have room for the 3-time (some say 4) World Champion. It’s just hard to fathom how this guy is 33rd in the rankings, but my opinion (whether you asked for it or not) is that his injury freaked him out and his head hasn’t totally adjusted yet. When you go for years without being seriously injured, it’s a real kick in the head (yeah, that’s right, I did) when you have a fractured pelvis. He looks very subdued.

Hmmm…Derek Kolbaba is now Shane Proctor’s protégé?  Wasn’t it just a couple of weeks ago that he was shadowing Shane’s brother-in-law?

LAUGH O’ THE NIGHT
In this week’s Hitch’d episode, Flint Rasmussen put new daddy Tanner Byrne through a polygraph test. Everything was going fine until: “Did you ever gag changing a dirty diaper?” Tanner hesitated, maybe wrestling with the truth, then admitted, “Yes.”

WHAT THE HECK ARE THESE COWBOYS EATING??
Tanner Byrne had food poisoning, too.

NEW FACE IN THE WINNER’S CIRCLE
This was Ryan Dirteater’s first win since 2011.

Following that happy face in the event results were Fabiano Vieira, Ben Jones, Rubens Barbosa, and Wallace Vieira de Oliveira.

The world standings now look like this: Shane Proctor, JR Vieira, and JB Mauney.

Posted in Built Ford Tough Series, Bull Riding, cowboys, PBR | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Kansas City Shame

I’m pretty sure that the only thing most people remember about the PBR’s Kansas City event is the shocking call the judges made in the Championship Round when they somehow didn’t see JB Mauney slap Fire and Smoke and not have the rope in his hand at the 8-second mark: they awarded him an 87. Despite viewing the replay multiple times, despite the fact that millions of TV viewers saw what happened, and despite the fact that Ty Murray stated on air, “That’s a weird call to me. I don’t know what was inconclusive. It wasn’t inconclusive that he slapped him. I feel like JB really got away with one,” the judges obediently followed the PBR’s idol worship script. And they used the JB Clock. It’s no joke, folks. It really exists.

I’m also pretty sure that in any other sport, those judges would’ve been benched. That incident was so appalling, it tops almost all of the PBR’s egregious acts on behalf of their favorite. Almost. Who knows what fuckery awaits us at this year’s Finals?

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Saturday Night Leftovers from the Garden

How may I offend thee? Let me count the ways…

How offensive is that voice over the loudspeaker saying that anyone who doesn’t like lasers, pyro, and loud rock and roll music, “Take your man card and go out to the concourse, because the rest of us like to P-A-R-T-Y!” Notice that there was no mention of bull riding.

And that’s what’s wrong with the slick direction the PBR has taken.

Oh, great, now they’ve got female flesh on display standing on the risers near the chutes, just like the riders do.

The music is so loud, half the time you can’t hear the announcers.

But I did hear one of them call Robson Palermo a superstar, and amen to that!

They didn’t make a fuss over Silvano, though. It was like, Oh yeah, by the way, the three-time (some say four) World Champion—next. I can’t believe Silvano is riding tonight, after his awful wreck.

It’s just so gross to have JB escorted by two bimbos. That says everything you need to know about how the PBR views women, no matter how much we tell them we hate it.

Flint standing on the Shark Cage insisting, “It’s dangerous up here!”

A lot of empty expensive streets.

HIGHLIGHTS

Cody Nance lucked out: while he was down the Fireball jumped over him, not on him.

Kasey Hayes was at his best, scoring 87 on Micro Man: “When I get outside my head, I do it right.”

Justin Paton’s bull Rio put on quite a show after he dispensed with him, bucking off the strap, chasing people, butting a barrel, being roped and fighting it.

Funny sight behind the chutes: JB warming up by pogoing.

Alves dug deep and pulled himself back into position on Percolator when almost everyone else would’ve quit. It was impressive. The score was not. Another shocker. Not.

Nathan Schaper also did a great job of pulling himself up and hanging onto Lieutenant Dan nearly sideways.

Luke Snyder was P.F.F. (Pretty Fucking Funny, in case you’ve forgotten) in his Bass Pro Shop segment, zipped into a sleeping bag and hopping around with both feet.

STOOPID

The announcer dope called him “Wallace Oliveira”—how dumb! Why can’t these WASPS pronounce anyone else’s name correctly? The “de” is part of his last name. It is not optional. Just like Cord’s last name is McCoy, not Coy.

HILARIOUS

The PBR has a new cologne for men. Honest to god, I don’t know how this one got greenlighted. The name is 8 Seconds. The slogan: “Timing is everything.” Clearly they’re not connecting the dots here. Help them out, ladies.

The new women’s stinkum is “Wild Ride.” Now, are they saying the woman is what the man is riding (for a whopping 8 seconds)? They really have their heads up their asses.

Best bit: Flint demonstrating how to use perfume: spray it into the air and prance through it.

NO FUN

Bad luck for Ben Jones: Off the Grid lurching forward, trying to launch himself up out of the chute just as Ben nodded. It was a disaster; Ben got bucked down hard, landed on his right arm, and was in a lot of pain.

Silvano’s accident from last night in closeup: the bull’s hooves knocked off his helmet and knocked him out, then butted his body and trampled him.

J.W. Harris got trashed by the honestly named Mishap, hung up, stomped, crushed—you name it. He was very shaken up as he left; I’m sure he didn’t know where he was or what day it was.

I swear, JR Vieira’s bull Ranga was drunk: came out backwards, fell on his knees, stumbled, did every wrong thing, and got Vieira a re-ride—or a 70.75.

CHEESE ON THE MENU

A diamond ring was hidden somewhere in the arena, three people were let loose on the dirt to try to find it, and it took forever for one guy to catch on that the barrel lying down on the dirt was a hint. Once he had the ring in hand, someone asked if he had a girlfriend. You could see where that was going. The announcers started pressuring him, and in a minute the poor sucker was proposing on the dirt, looking like he was facing a firing squad, while Girlfriend was ecstatic. Poor guy—came to see bull riding, and came out with a noose around his neck. As for Girlfriend, that’s just pathetic. If anyone proposed to me at a bull riding event in front of thousands of people because he felt like he was supposed to, I’d ram that ring down his throat.

Talk about manipulation: when the crowd didn’t reach the proper pitch of hysteria on hearing the first few notes of “Bad to the Bone,” the announcer became a cheerleader: “I can’t hear you,” he chanted two times, to rev them up for the Supreme Being, who didn’t live up to the hype.

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Bull Riding Hall of Fame Inductees

 

2016 Induction Ceremonies and Reunion
The Bull Riding Hall of Fame is excited and proud to announce
the 2nd Annual Induction Ceremonies and Reunion.

This event will also be the official Grand Opening of
The Bull Riding Hall of Fame in the Cowtown Coliseum!

Where:    Cowtown Coliseum, Fort Worth Stockyards, Fort Worth, Texas
When:     Friday, May 13th, 2016. 10am to 2pm

Schedule of Events

10 am – 12 noon:      Welcome and Opening Ceremonies
Induction Ceremonies

12 noon – 1 pm:        Bar-B-Q Lunch with all the fixin’s!
(Included with Ticket/Donation)
Live Auction

1pm – 2pm:               Resume Induction Ceremonies
BRHOF Grand Opening Ribbon Cutting
Closing Ceremonies

The 2016 BRHOF Induction Ceremonies and Reunion is an official, fundraising event for The Bull Riding Hall of Fame Inc., a 501c3 non-profit educational and service organization.

Your generous support goes to fund improvements and growth for The Hall, The BRHOF Scholarship Fund and to assist with Induction Ceremonies and Reunion event expenses…Thank You!

Ticket/Donation Pricing

Partners Table Ticket/Donation
Includes
Preferred Seating for 8
Bar-B-Q Lunch
Sponsorship Opportunity
$1000

Individual Ticket/Donation
Includes
General Admission and Seating
Bar-B-Q Lunch
$50
Tables and Tickets can be purchased at…
If purchasing with a check, make payable to BRHOF
Mail to…
The Bull Riding Hall of Fame
P.O. Box 79177
Saginaw, Texas 76179

On behalf of all BRHOF Inductees, Members and Partners,
we look forward to celebrating this historic event in the legendary
Coliseum on May 13th…See you then!
Thank You!

The Bull Riding Hall of Fame will induct these guys on May 13 at Cowtown Coliseum:

Myrtis Dightman

John Quintana

Gary Leffew

Jim Sharp

Terry Don West

Jack Wiseman

Tuff Hedeman

Kajun Kidd (bullfighter)

Harry Vold

Steiner Rodeo Co.

And last but not least, Tornado!

For more information and tickets, go to: TheBullRidingHallofFame.com

And while you’re at it, send me a ticket! Just get me back to NYC on time to see Delbert McClinton at B.B. King’s Club on the 16th.

Posted in ABBI, Built Ford Tough Series, Bull Riding, CBR, cowboys, PBR, PRCA, Tuff Hedeman, WNFR | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment