TABLE MOUNTAIN CASINO INVITATIONAL FRESNO 3/19–3/20/11 WELCOME BACK, RENATO!

The broadcast intro is worsening; the cornball voice now interjects remarks. Erin still wears clown paint and makes hideous mistakes, e.g., cutting off Renato Nunes to say, “Craig—hungry.”

HIGHLIGHTS:

After missing 7 events, Renato backflipped over his 87 on Spike. He told Erin, “I feel pain a little bit, but when I rode for eight, I don’t feel pain.” So she made up a different sentence.

J.B. Mauney finally making a ride, despite his sore hip, on Roadkill for 84.50. “Looks like a bicycle with square wheels,” was J Dub’s comment on the bull.

Shorty’s ace save: Stormy Wing became the 2nd guy to ride Little Brother (in16 outs), scoring 85.50. Then the bull hooked his vest, and Stormy took wing. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) Shorty shoved Wing behind him, where he stayed, holding onto Shorty’s middle for dear life, peeking around him to see where the bull was. Cute! “Amazing what a little fear and common sense can do for you” ─Shorty.

Valdiron de Oliveira had the only qualified ride in Saturday’s short round; and now has a 76+% riding percentage─ with a separated shoulder, at 32 years old. The guy is Superman.

Day 2:

Stormy’s great ride 88.75 ride on Early Bird, a spunky little bull.

Valdiron rode Deja Blue for the 3rd time (scores: 89, 88.25, 88.25). His explanation for his consistency: riding horses bareback three hours a day to strengthen his legs.

Renato scored 89 on Segs the Juice (with no cheers from Shorty), did a hat throw and back flip─ some of us think it should’ve been 90─ then took on RMEF Gunpowder & Lead. The attitudinal red bull was fighting in the chute and was moved to the front chute to stretch out and relax. Renato rode for 92 and a squashed straw hat, but we got no back flip, just a little semi-cartwheel action.

BULL STUFF:

I think the bulls got together on a game plan ahead of time: get ‘em with head fakes.

●Outa da Blue’s weird stiff-legged front end action somehow contributed to Lostroh scoring 87.25. ●Debut bull Funky Music deserves watching.●Bucking Machine─ what a weird little bull, spinning in jerky movements. Gotta give Hummer credit for saying he looked more like a washing machine.●Johnny Knoxville is outrageous! He flies, leaps, bellyrolls, and snakes in the air, “and kicks him [Shane Proctor] in the shorts on the way out,” was how JW put it.●Buckey looks real good. A handsome boy, too! He’s half of a father-son duo; sired by Buck Shot.●High Steaks’s wild, mid-air wiggling sent Guilherme Marchi hopping out on one leg─ with help.●I can’t figure out what Bad Moon did to lift Renato off his back in about 2 seconds─ standing up.●Hawaiian Ivory’s clever stutter step maneuver outwitted Kody Lostroh.●Cooper Tires’ Athlete Profile on Stubby said not much is known about his lineage. Kinda strange.●Kick Butt seemed to forget his job for a blink, lowering Snyder’s score to 82.75. ●Marmite leaps 6 feet high─ as Aaron Roy and Elton Cide found out the hard way.●Curveball (0/12) handed Paolo Lima his 7th straight buckoff.

I’M JUST SAYIN’…

McConnel is driving me crazy. Why all these buckoffs?? I hope what JW says isn’t true: that maybe he’s thinking too much about what color his hair is or what his dance is gonna be afterward.

Hummer’s blather about JB makes me wanna hurl.

Brendon Clark, thrown again. JW’s not kidding when he says, “That Ford commercial’s gonna go away; he won’t be able to do that stuff anymore.” But it’d improve his riding.

Coincidence? I think not. After comments here and on the Turn Him Out! blog about Shorty not cheering on the Brazilians, but hollering his lungs out for other riders, tonight’s broadcast included a segment of him praising Alves and Marchi as truly nice guys. But will he start cheering? Stay tuned.

JW says that because Adriano isn’t on tour all the time, the other Brazilians look to Marchi to translate for them, which makes it easier for the Brazilians. I love “Granite Jaw” Marchi, but if they’re depending on his English, the Killer Bs deserve even more points. Get them a translator, PBR!

Shivers had a rough but brief time on Stretch Armstrong. At his every appearance, commentators talk about him missing his family. Betcha he retires this year.

Travis Briscoe (Mr. January? Mr. February? Mr. September? Let him pick his own centerfold date) was riding left-handed on Mr. Slim; the bull’s horns hooked in the chute, delaying his out. Travis asked replay judge Jeff Shear for a re-ride, but didn’t get it. He was pissed off enough to punch the gate, with good reason. Shear misses watching replays a lot, and even when he watches, he doesn’t see.

Elton Cide had one of those all-day-long rides, on RMEF Bugle –so what the hell was the score? Did it ever come in? No. I had to go to the PBR website to find it: 85.25.

After writhing under Valdiron in the chute, Sue burst out and tried it all, changed normal direction, stutter-stepped, but couldn’t get rid of him. 84.50 was a measly score.

Day 2:

After Valdiron rode Red Hot, nobody told us the score. I looked it up online: 90.50.

Douglas Ferreira was determined to stick on Funky Music, but it seemed he didn’t make 8. The replay was unclear until it was slowed up: his hand was out of the rope at 7.9, but his leg was still on the bull. Score: 83, with no review. More reason to require judges to view a replay in slo-mo.

It’s refreshing to see a segment (especially on Versus TV!) about girls being trained to be cowgirls, sponsored by Cowgirl U. in partnership with Clovis Rodeo…but Brendon Clark and Luke Snyder loading the Ford truck bed with chairs was just plain silly. It’s painful to watch them delivering lines in that awful, stilted community theatre way, and frustrating to watch The Continuing Adventures of Clark and Snyder when Brendon’s riding has gone downhill, and Luke’s is spotty. Their sponsor is fucking up their careers! Suggest a place for Brendon and Luke to visit? How about the practice pen?

LOWLIGHTS:

Perfect Poison dumping Austin Meier in less than 2 seconds, and later, Marchi as well. Hard to believe Guilherme’s 11th in the rankings; that knee is really a problem.

JB flying off Speckled Ivory; his limping, hopping exit was a déjà vu from last year leading into the finals. His non-ride on Slim Chance makes it clear: he’s too banged up to do well. I wish he’d take time to recuperate now, so doesn’t limp into this year’s finals. Postponing R&R just makes injuries worse.

Robson Palermo, broken rib notwithstanding, seemed to be handling Ford’s F-150 Raptor (formerly Power Line), who looked like a giant sofa in the chute; but, the bull went back into the chute. Robson grabbed the railing, left the bull to save himself from being crushed against the gate, but the ruling was that the ride counted, despite the bull’s crazy stunt. No score─big ol’ dang!

Day 2:

Silvano Alves being bucked off for the second time this weekend.

Brendon Clark’s going down to the minors; he seemed to run right off Red Devil, his 8th straight buckoff.  When did the downhill slide start? Maybe when he and Luke were put on Ford duty?

Brian Canter has 5 injury exemptions. After his second buckoff, he scooted away as fast as he could. I think he’s joining Brendon in the Touring Pro Division.

CLOCK MALFUNCTION─WHAT A SURPRISE!

In spite of which, Douglas Ferreira rode Rowdy LJ for 83.50.

NITWITTICISMS:

“What is a Marmite?”—JW to Craig, who didn’t know. (It’s not just a bull’s name, guys.)

“As you know, Craig, Ben is riding with some broken ribs.”─ Erin C. after Fiasco hopped up and down, frustrating “The Dancing Ozzie.” Everybody knows, Toots. Oh wait, I forgot: you studied journalism at the Craig Hummer School of Stating the Painfully Obvious.

“Stretch Armstrong seeks revenge against Chris Shivers.”─C. Hummer, the Bull Whisperer. Apparently, he interviewed Stretch just before the broadcast.

“He’s gotta dig deep and delve down into his desires.”—Hummer talking about Briscoe facing Mr. Slim. I think he just likes the sound of his own alliteration.

“A Murderers’ Row for the guys in the PBR to have to come up against tomorrow.” ─ Hummer’s description of the lineup of World Champs Nunes, Lostroh, and Marchi plus Valdiron (who now looks like the next one) on the bill for the second day.

Day 2: Take it away, Craig!

“And the dance partners this weekend are fixin’ to tear it up. I’m A Gangster will be firing on all cylinders.” Could ya mix yer metaphors any more??

“Valdiron is the guy sitting in front of him [Douglas Duncan].” Dude, Valdiron is sitting in front of everybody.

Now he’s calling de Oliveira “The Valdironator.” How many scriptwriters do you think it took to come up with that one?

“Pi time—a little science talk for you, my friend.”─ The Bummer, after Marmaduke bucked Ned Cross off in 3.14 seconds. Who knew he was a math nerd?

“The only buckle he [VDO] really cares about is the gold buckle in Las Vegas.” Really? Did you ask? When did you learn Portuguese?

“Another guy looking for a score is Travis Briscoe.” Nobody else is. Just Travis.

Something about the guys having “a little fire under their toes.” I think that’s called athlete’s foot.

“Willingham needs a good result here, doesn’t he?” Only Sean. Nobody else.

“True competitors’ mettle shines through.” Um, Craig, metal shines. That’s called a homonym.

“I’m A Gangster, with J.B. Mauney himself!” ARRGGHH!

“The bulls are simply having their way with the cowboys.”─ Do I have to say it?

And from J.W., after I’m A Gangster bucked Douglas Duncan off: “He’s got a chip on his shoulder and his hammer cocked now.” OY.

CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?

Dustin Elliot in the Truth Booth: “The truth is, I sucked today.”

“He can’t be very smart; he went from getting on a bull to getting in front of ‘em every night.” –JW (or was it Shorty? sometimes I glaze over) talking about Jesse Byrne.

JW saying Silvano Alves had a “brain fart” last weekend when he didn’t take a re-ride, eliminating himself from the championship round. Shorty explained it: Silvano had a party last night, celebrating his impending fatherhood, new ranch and riding arena. Musta been some party.

Day 2:

“Dr. Tandy Freeman is like E.F. Hutton. When he talks, everybody listens.”—JW

“With Valdiron, Marchi, and the others, you can’t be slumpin’.”—JW re JB

“When you fall off, you feel a little sad.” ─Renato Nunes. How sweet is that!

Dustin in the Truth Booth again, about Bring It: “I feel like a sissy, to be honest with you. I made dumb rookie mistakes. I feel stupid. This sport is so stinkin’ humbling. Grrrowwl! That’s about that.”

“This is not a sport for the dainty. It’s a sport for the determined.” Good one, Craig! This time the alliteration worked. (But you’re still 2 for 200.)

AMEN TO THAT!

“The Brazilians bring their PhDs with them: poor, hungry, and dreaming.” –JW on why the Brazilians collectively are riding better than the Americans.

COWBOY ENGLISH:

“That bull has went to the right.”─J.W. Hart

Day 2:

I LIKE IT!

Shane Proctor has been sneaking up on everyone: he’s 5th in the world now!

JW knows the bulls’ lineage and tells us. Hallelujah! It keeps Craig from running his mouth about nothing.

Interesting idea, interviewing the boy on the bubble; this time, Douglas Duncan.

Briscoe’s challenge was denied last night: the judge said he didn’t push the button in time. But today he saved his ass by staying on El Presidente, making all the adjustments he needed, for 87.75.

Blueberry Crush was moaning in the chute, obviously scared of Ben Jones. “The Ben Jones Train is rollin’ and I am on it, and I hope it don’t stop!” JW, you said it!

Skeeter Kingsolver turned in a good-looking ride on Next Thing Smokin for 86.75, then jumped up the fence, practically into Austin Meier’s arms. Another cute moment.

Kody’s Darth Vader look─ better than the green and white Enterprise uniform.

Shane Proctor with Brendon’s Yorkie, Bindi, in the Truth Booth.

A BIG REASON TO FIRE ERIN COSCARELLI:

Interviewing Valdiron after his win, SHE CALLED HIM “RENATO!” What, do the Brazilians all look alike to you, Toots?

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One Response to TABLE MOUNTAIN CASINO INVITATIONAL FRESNO 3/19–3/20/11 WELCOME BACK, RENATO!

  1. S. says:

    I had to laugh when Craig Hummer said, “That’s why they call him ‘The Valdironator!'” this weekend in Tampa.

    Craig, you are the only one who calls him that. There is no “they.” And with good reason– how unwieldy!

    Like

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