Between Round 1 and Round 2, my power punked out, cable TV and laptop died, so I missed what happened there. This is Mercury Retrograde in action, folks.
I LOVE THESE GUYS!
All four clones of Panhandle Slim working tonight! One of them put on a wild exhibition, leaping and dancing riderless in the arena. Look out, Flint, your job’s in jeopardy.
I’m Back dumped Elliott Jacoby in less than 2 seconds, handing him his 15th straight buckoff. Mr. Slim made Elton Cide now 2 for13. Slim’s Ghost made very short work of Wesley Laurenco.
BIG BAD BOO-BOOS:
- Kody Lostroh: ACL and MCL tears. Kody L watching on crutches.
- Frank Newsom: left thigh hooked by a bull. Out the rest of the weekend. Seeing him in the stands is weird. Shorty said it’s the first time Frank ever admitted to him that he was hurting. And that’s sayin’ something. Miss you Frank! Two weekends without you is too much.
- Tony Mendes: bull’s horn bruised his pelvis. Ouch.
- Welcome back, Wiley Petersen. (His 1st event since the Finals, after his shoulder surgery.)
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
Did I see on the PBR website that no Fan Club blocs of tickets were available for this event? Why? It’s supposed to be one of the perks of being a Fan Club member. Wonder how many other events don’t have Fan Club blocs?
How on earth do you download the day sheet from the PBR web site? You can’t do it by selecting and copying the list.
OH CRAP – ERIN’S BACK. Erin, wash your hair. And cut off the scraggly ends. (That was my mother throwing her voice.)
I finally figured out what that little twist in the commercial female voice says (besides ‘I’m trying to be sexy but sound like I have enlarged adenoids’): it’s the exact voice in which a kid says, “nyah nyah!” No wonder I hate it.
What’s with the clumps of dirt in the arena? Who forgot to clean out the kitty litter?
Once again, Craig Bummer going on about The Brazilians. Apparently they ride in a bloc. (When is he going to start talking about “The Americans”? “The Australians”?) Now he’s calling them “The Contenders.” Like what, the Americans are the heavyweight champions of the world, and The Other People are “the contenders”? I’ve got news: right now,
“I’m so pretty! I’m so pretty!/Float like a butterfly/Sting like a bee” could be translated,
“Guilherme Marchi! Guilherme Marchi!/Alves floats like a butterfly/Robson stings like a bee.”
Hummer and Justin McBride were chuckling over Elton Cide, Marchi, and other riders from you-know-where missing their airport connection, having trouble at the airport, and having to rent a car to drive 8 hrs from Denver to Billings and then get on bulls. Not funny. Do you think maybe the language barrier played a part? Would they have had a problem if the PBR hired a translator? Whatever it was that happened, cost these guys a lot of money.
While I’m at it, is the PBR trying to keep Adriano Moraes out of view? We haven’t seen hide nor hair of him for months, got a one-second glimpse of the top of his head this weekend, and he remained completely unmentioned. Either he’s getting the Justin McKee treatment, or I missed something when I ran to the loo.
Valdiron was so happy about riding Buffalo Hump, he did pushups in the dirt afterwards. “This ride is perfection. This guy is in complete and total control throughout this entire ride,” said McBride, who ought to know. Yeah, and that 85.75 was too low. Stormy Wing got 88 on a bull who wasn’t all that. Cody Nance rode hippity-hoppity Gentle Ben for 87.75. (“A little chin music there,” McBride commented on Cody’s post-8 contact with the bull.) Fabiano Vieira on Blue Blazes made it look easy. “Stays in perfect control the whole time…just really solid,” says McBride. But Fabiano’s “perfect” rated only 85.25. So let me get this straight: Nobody says Stormy or Cody was “picture perfect,” but Vieira and VDO get the lowest scores of the four rides. Is it just me or─ oh, right, what’s that word again, begins with a “B”…?
Tell me those judges aren’t pulling this shit again.
I can’t stand it. Somebody find out what’s going on in J.B.’s head! Is fatherhood taking its toll? And Ryan McConnel is starting to look like he’s purposely jumping off his bulls!
GOD ALMIGHTY, CRAIG─ WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?? SILVANO IS NOT “SILVANYO.” THERE IS NO ACCENT MARK ON THE “N.” AND THIS IS PORTUGUESE, NOT SPANISH. Think about it— if you’re capable of such a high function─ do you say “Adrianyo Moraes? Fabianyo Vieira”? Which synapse is missing in your brain that you can’t make the connection??
I am beyond sick of hearing The Bummer repeating ad nauseam what great friends all the Brazilians are. Are we going to hear this blather every time some non-American, non-Canadian, non-Australian gets on a bull?? Whether it’s true or not, who cares??
“Getting ready at the chute to help World #2 and friend Valdiron.”
“The top 4 guys in the world, all Brazilians, all best friends.”
“[fill in the name of any rider from Brazil] cheering on his good friend “[fill in the name of any rider from Brazil].”
“They’re the glue that keeps the whole Brazilian bunch together.”
The “great friends” speech as McBride and Hummer yap about Valdiron “fighting back” to get his #1 position back after losing it to Alves last week.
“From one Brazilian to another” – Craig trying to segue from Ferreira to Marchi, up next. (Have we ever heard, “From one American to another”?)
“Vieira best friends with Silvano Alves.”
McBride re Ferreira and Alves: “They’re close friends, as we’ve said time and time again.” And again and again and again…
“The luck of the draw collides with the will to win!”—the jerk announcer
“Wing trying to get on the board here.”—another genius remark by the Bummer. Stormy wants to get on the leaderboard, whereas all the other riders are trying to get off it.
“This bull now has the hat trick against the Brazilian.”—who else, trying to say that Mr. Slim got the better of Elton Cide, who apparently doesn’t have a name, just a nationality.
I had a total déjà vu with Hummer’s comments about a rider being about to feel the heat of the bull Red Hot. It was Shane Proctor, who broke his ribs a week ago. “Enough to get Proctor off,” said Hummer. Are ya sayin’ Shane “gets off on the pain”?
SAD, SAD, SAD
Shane Proctor’s Athlete Profile tells you exactly what’s wrong with the sport: cowboys don’t get paid unless they ride. They can’t make their house payments, can’t feed their families. They risk their lives every time they go to work, but football players make millions whether or not they play. This is fixable, guys. Put on your thinking caps.
Willie Wilco – beautiful bucking.
Re Gentle Ben: “You need to check under the hood before you believe the name on this one.” Good one, Craig! That makes 3 this year.
Mike Lee on quick little Rusty Zipper, who seemed to want a little more face time with the audience. (Tell us the friggin’ score, booth boys! I had to look it up online: 86.
High Pressure came out backwards, but Sean Willingham matched his moves, for 84.
Dustin Elliott deserved his 87.50 for riding Big Stuff. That little bull had a smorgasbord of moves
Too bad there was no score for Jason O’Hearn (because of a slap); he stayed on that bull even when the bull’s butt hit the ground─ a lot of riders would’ve slid off, but he got sticky.
We missed Ferreira’s 87.75 ride on Bootlegger because of a commercial.
It didn’t look pretty, but Marchi stayed on The Legend for 79.25; probably his all-time personal worst.
The “Losing Their Grip” box onscreen, showing the downward slide of Kody Lostroh, Valdiron de Oliveira, Ben Jones, and one more rider—sorry, brain fart. That’s just plain mean.
Who is casting these voiceovers?? like that guy making a desperate attempt to sound gritty saying, “Nahh, you gotta face your past if you wanna make a new beginning…” in answer to some inane question about “Do you ever get gun-shy…” You’re talking about bull riding, and you hired a fucking actor to do this? I mean, I’m a card-carrying AFTRA and SAG member, but why the hell don’t you use a real cowboy? I’m sure there must be ONE who’s union AND actually works on a ranch.
THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF BEN JONES
Somebody said his Ben’s wife Christy (spelling?) is trying to keep him grounded. Now there’s a hopeless task.
Prom Night was even worse for Ben than it was for Carrie. He had another awful head-over-heels landing, noggin in the dirt and butt in the air, unconscious. (And this is on top of last week’s bumps and bruises.) Miraculously, he eventually came to and got up. Yay for Jesse Byrne interposing himself between Ben and his date, but Yikes! for him getting hit by the bull.
ALL IN A DAY’S WORK
“Yeah, I got a broke hand again this weekend…” Douglas Duncan in the Truth Booth after his 86.25 ride on Shortcut.
DAY 2 From PBR website: “For the first time in PBR history four Brazilians are ranked in the Top 4 spots of the world standings.”
Oh, nooo…the return of the name Hummer thinks will catch on: The Valdironator. Give it up, fool! You can barely pronounce it, and none of us are going to bother.
“He just goes out and rides literally one bull at a time.”—The Bummer, about Silvano Alves. Well, how else would he ride them? Two or three bulls at the same time?
Silvano Alves scored an 88 on Another Husker, making it look easy.
Marchi stuck like glue on Bird Creek, for 89.25.
Motown Magic twisted in the air, bucked madly, went down on his side, but Fabiano Vieira stayed in position, and the bull came back up. Absolute mastery! 87 with a reride option!
Tonight’s 91.25 ride included, Valdiron has ridden Speckled Ivory 3 out of the 5 times the bull’s been ridden (for 90ish scores). That bull flies out of the chute up into the arena. Hummer’s right (shocker!): “Speckled Ivory almost blew his spots off coming out of the chutes.” VDO did pushups with Flint in the dirt after that. I loved this ride.
Valdiron pulled ahead of Silvano back into the #1 slot. With a mic shoved in his face, he’s suddenly become quite the chatter box, thanking everyone under the sun. Best quote: last night he told himself, “I don’t buck off anymore…I’m going to ride.” It’s great to see him on the top of the Shark Cage.
Local boy Beau Hill got Blind Sided. That makes two examples of the home town disadvantage.
Braveheart’s been ridden 30% of the time. He blew out of the gate kicking up his hind legs, at the same time twisting left, and beaned Douglas Duncan, all in the space of about one second.
Coming back from commercial, Hummer says we saw Alves on Pushing Cotton “just a few moments ago.” The bull was listed onscreen as Another Husker. I went to the PBR website to check. But the way the “Live Event Center” works is that you see bulls’ names only from the last 4 rides completed. Once a trip’s moved to the “Completed Rides” area, you can’t find out what bull someone rode. What a stupid way to post information! The only way to find out is by watching the video clip of the day’s riding…and some of us can’t spend all day in PBR-land.
Mellow Yellow Jacket was going berserk in the chute under Douglas Ferreira. “Now’s the chance for another Brazilian to see what he can do,” says the Chief Nitwit, as Ferreira’s right arm got scraped by the bull was pushing him against the chute. Cut to next ride. Then back to Ferreira. The bull is nuts, bucking and bellowing. Ferreira’s leg goes through the gate slats. “I’da been screamin’ like a little girl if my leg was through there like that!” said Justin McBride.
In spite of all the drama, Ferreira hung onto his wild ride until what looked like 8─but not quite. One hand had the tail of the rope, but the other touched the ground. For once I wish the judges were negligent and didn‘t see it, as they conveniently are when it suits them; I so wanted him to score after all the craziness the bull threw at him. If he was Chris Shivers, there would’ve been a score.
CRAIG, I’M BEGGIN’ YA…
Is it at all possible for you to call a rider just by his name, not his nationality, and not mention his “great friends” every time he rides, helps at the chute, or cheers someone? It’s so offensive! Baseball announcers don’t constantly talk about “the Puerto Rican pitcher,” “the Dominican shortstop,” “the Cuban catcher,” and all the Puerto Ricans/Dominicans/Cubans in one clump. Take a hint from the pros!
Man, that shot of Buckey in the pen waiting his turn was disgusting— his nose was running like a faucet. Somebody grab the Kleenex!
McBride describing Colby Yates’ ride on Cooper Tires’ Wild & Out: “…picks his head up, jerks him off…” (And after a cigarette and a shower, Colby ran into the bull’s exit chute for a moment, then realized what he was doing and ran back to the right one, with Wild & Out literally on his heels.)
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
Now both booth boys are mangling Silvano’s name: McBride calls him “Alvs.” The Situation was lying down in the chute; Alves finally had to climb up out of there. Maybe there was a half-blink when he possibly could’ve nodded, without having a good seat, yet there was a cowboy standing on the chute telling him to hurry up. Why, so he could hurt himself? Thank god somebody had the sense to give him a re-ride.
Re-ride bull was Sam T. Straight. Not one to give as many points as The Situation; he banged against the fence, was bouncing and whirling, but still, 87’s not too shabby.
Love After Party’s tricky lowdown sidewinding motion, leading around with his head.
CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND – draft picks
PEEVE: I’d like to see more than just one rider pick his bull.
From PBR website: Oliveira has ridden only 4 of his last 10 bulls; J.B. Mauney, 2 of his last 10; Shane Proctor, only 4 of his last 20; Ben Jones, 2 of his last 15; L.J. Jenkins,1 of his last 10. This isn’t funny, guys. I’m not worried about Valdiron, but the rest of you guys are giving me grey hairs.
“hoping to deal a death blow to anyone’s world title aspirations”─ I don’t remember which idiot said this, but it really got up my snoot.
Seems the website’s Live Event Center is stuck on yesterday. You can’t look up bulls or scores for the championship round—you only can view the video. If you hunt for “The Morning Line” you can find out who’s supposed to ride what. If I could find the day sheet, I’d be able to compare. The Event Center seems to go to sleep for the Championship Round. And under “Results,” the link to the event is broken, so you can’t see details. It’s just pathetic that viewers have to chase all over the website to dig up basic information.
As J.B. was getting ready to go out on Blind Side, McBride said, “He doesn’t need luck.” Uh, have ya not been watching him fall off the cliff? In any case, J.B. got the luck: 87. He dang well should’ve ridden that bull. If he didn’t, I would’ve had to be sedated.
- Jordan Hupp, after getting an 84 out of Navajo Rug: “I can still ride bulls.”
- Valdiron doing knuckle pushups after a ride to remind himself of the work he put in to get here.
- “That definitely wasn’t the prettiest bull ride I ever made.”—Jordan Hupp in the Truth Booth. (I’d tell ya the name of the bull if I could find it on the friggin’ website.) “Thank got the whistle came right when it did because I don’t think I coulda rode him half a second longer than I did.”
- Ryan Dirteater’s bull ─ OMG!─ was whacking the fence, crow-hopping, trying everything, but couldn’t chuck him off. Ryan did a great job, for 87. I’d tell ya the name of the bull, but if you don’t catch it the one second it’s on the screen, you can’t find it on the website.
Fabiano Vieira’s ride on Space Chimp was a last second cliff-hanger. He got 82.20 for a huge effort to stay on as he started to slip sideways, then pulled himself back up.
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
Valdiron rode “money bull” Outa Da Blue for only an 84.75? He was in perfect control the entire ride. Judge #3 was consistently lagging behind in posting his scores. Wonder if he was doing some creative math in the meantime, to control the standings.
Cody Nance scored 80.75 for his ride on Buck Naked. I thought he deserved a lot more; he was centered and solid the whole time, no matter what weird moves the bull made. Even McBride talked about the bull being mean and scary, and Cody wasn’t fazed at all.
Who was hanging around the chute wearing that beautiful striped purple shirt?
Ryan McConnel in the Truth Booth: “How pathetic! That was a good bull, I should never have fell off him.”
Doctor’s orders: Ben Jones was held out of competition because of his concussion last night. And you know that had to be one hell of a fight for Tandy to win!
Loudmouth was unridden on the BFTS, and now Ryan McConnel fell off this bull-without-much-buck. He’s still in that 7+ seconds mode. Never mind the timer in your head, Ryan─ wait for the buzzer before you leave the bull!!
Squawk Box bashed around Wesley Laurenco like a rag doll, hooked him front and back. Wesley was half-carried out of the arena. This is on top of his bad injuries from Chicago. (And we never got word about the status of his injury. As of a week later, it’s still not shown on the Riders Injury Report on the website.)
McBride, obviously thinking he’s showing that the PBR has noticed women are involved in bull riding, calls stock owner Mesa Pate “a really intelligent young girl.” Uh, how about “a successful owner/breeder”? Or if you must call attention to gender, like it’s so freaky that a female who lives out West would be involved in livestock, “A really intelligent WOMAN”? Here’s the math lesson, dude: under 18 = girl, boy. Over 18 = woman, man. I doubt he’d refer to McKennon Wimberly as a “young boy,” and I’m sure he and Mesa are in the same age bracket. Get over your fear of women.
Marchi talked about how bulls in Brazil are bigger and stronger, but bulls in the U.S. are faster and smarter, so he has to ride more agilely here. After his masterful ride on How We Roll, all I could say is, He’s the MAN! 83.75 was an appallingly low score. In Chris Shivers Land, the ride would’ve been worth an 87.
MORE REASONS TO FIRE ERIN COSCARELLI
That moron Erin, after Marchi’s great ride, asks him to “Describe the camaraderie among the Brazilians.” Not, “What did you think of your bull?” or “Tell us about the ride.” There just aren’t enough expletives to express how dim-damn-dumb she is (one of Mom’s expressions). Not to mention that Hummer and McBride have been blathering about that effin’ camaraderie for 20 minutes every broadcast.
The Bummer, wondering why Silvano picked Grey Ghost: “There were a lot more bulls that the knowledge was known of them.” Whatever─ the bull almost gave up the ghost before 8 seconds. 85.75 for Alves.
Finally! A glimpse of Adriano, talking with Austin after Shaken Not Stirred got him shaken and stirred. Trying to beat the bull around into the spin, instead Austin went into the well. I think that’s called overriding. Haven’t seen him make a good ride in a while, and I’d sure like to.
I’M JUST SAYIN’…LOUD!
The announcers were discussing Tony Mendes, talking about him struggling day in and day out to provide for his family, going to as many PRCA and PBR events as he can, as his career is winding down. This is what’s disgraceful about the PBR. They don’t take care of their own. No other type of professional athlete ends up struggling to support a family unless he has a drug, gambling, drinking, or legal problem. They need something more than the Rider Relief Fund. That sounds too much like charity, and you know these guys are proud and tough and aren’t charity cases. They can work even if they can’t compete on bulls. They deserve to have a retirement program─ one that pays their medical bills and helps them into other careers.
McBride was saying the Brazilians “aren’t good at getting out of the chute,” “Silvano couldn’t get out on his bull last night.” Hey, dude, here’s a thought: maybe it pays to take a little longer in the chute. I mean, “The Brazilians” are #1, 2, 3, and 4 in the world.
How hysterical was that old video clip of Justin McBride dressed like Woody from Toy Story, being flown skyward from his horse, courtesy of Randy Bernard’s ingenuity.
I cannot believe Robson Palermo flew off Sleeper at 7.74! He was riding so strong, catching up with the bull’s every move, it looked like it was a sure 8. This Ryan McConnel disease must be catching.
Missed Dusty Ephrom’s successful ride on [name that bull] during a commercial. Versus always schedules ads when someone “not important” is riding─then the guy scores. I’ve said this before.
Colby Yates on Hurriquake (formerly “The Juice”—why the new name?) looked like he was going to make 8, but the bull’s change of direction threw him. I think I was almost as disappointed as Colby.
Luke Snyder was the 1 in 14 riders who conquered Yellow Jacket Jr., but he couldn’t do it twice.
Marchi got tossed by mucus-ridden Buckey. The bull snot must’ve gotten rid of some of the sticky.
Jason O’Hearn’s ride on Toy Soldier, working that outside leg! 89.25. (Same bull trashed Lostroh.)
Blue Emu’s Hank committed 14 straight buckoffs, but Cody Nance nailed a solid ride for 88. First time the bull’s been ridden all season!
Douglas Duncan was sporting a black eye and a broken hand from Braveheart last night. Quoth Douglas: “I feel like I’m in the body of a 90-year-old man.” Then Buck Wild bucked wildly in the chute, and gave Duncan another shot in the head.
The Built Ford Tough Invasion spot featured Mesa Pate and her bulls. Gotta admit it’s impressive seeing how many bulls the truck can haul in that attached trailer.
Craig: “It’s been the Brazilians for the last four days…”
And now the arena announcer also calls Alves “Silvanyo,” who picked Big Tex. Throughout the ride, the booth guys were flapping their gums, repeating themselves ad infinitum─ and the “commentary” wasn’t so brilliant in the first place. One of The Bummer’s fave lines: “Silvano can send a subtle message to Valdiron…” It was a bizarre ride, with the bull slowing down twice (why can’t I get rid of this guy?) and a not-so-hot 84.75.
The Situation flipped Jason O’Hearn headfirst into the bullpoop. I’d check for an earful if I were him. And a neck injury.
Another quick look at Buckey, with mucus dripping from both nostrils, like some 4-year-old who doesn’t want to blow his nose.
As Fabiano Vieira was getting settled on Asteroid, some chute guy was yelling at him repeatedly, ”Let’s go!” while the bull was still lurching around in the chute. All that yelling must’ve rattled Vieira, but he still did a good job, including a last-ditch Hail Mary move, hanging onto the side of the bull. The ride was reviewed because of a touch, but replay judge Jeff Shear (for once, awake at the switch!) said the touch was at 8, so Vieira was scored: 87. Once again, Judge #3 was the suspiciously slow one.
While Valdiron was on Titanium Tough, Craig is telling us what’s inside Valdiron’s head regarding Alves. I am so sick of him. It was a beautiful ride, de Oliveira handling all the moves in great sync with the bull, for 89.50, then matching pushups with Flint. He had a cute interview response about how much respect he has for Marchi, then thanking everyone for coming to watch. I’m sure he had no idea what question Coscarelli actually asked him, but as we all know, whatever comes out of her mouth doesn’t matter anyway.
Hummer: “If Vieira is the appetizer, Valdiron, Silvano, and Marchi are the main course,” or some ridiculous metaphor like that. Apparently, to Craig, if bull riding isn’t about sex, it’s about food.