PORTLAND INVITATIONAL – Jan. 22

Hummer the Bummer’s opening speech tonight was so chock-full of vomitaceous alliterations, anthropomorphisms, clichés, and failed metaphors, I can’t even begin to rehash them; it gives me a headache. “Asteroid is ready to crash the party”─ Puhleeze! Bring me that scriptwriter’s head on a platter!

HIGHLIGHTS

  • Mike Lee scored 83 on Henry Bostich HurriQuake─ give that boy extra points for the extra 8 seconds! Lee’s hair has grown back in─ but now it’s sprouting out of his face.
  • Piece o’ cake─ that what Chris Shivers made his ride on Stretch Armstrong look like, to the tune of 87.75.
  • Sancho’s uphill dorsal terrain made Guilherme Marchi look like he was sliding backwards through the whole ride. I had to chant “Forward, forward, forward!” to keep him in place for his 85-point 8 seconds, and then he said to the camera, “Kids, for you!” The nerve.
  • Marco Eguche’s impressive ride on Toy Soldier, for 87.25. “He does everything right,” J.W. Hart declared. “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new Brazilian in town.” You’re not kidding. He was picture perfect. I would’ve upped the score, but maybe the judges thought the bull wasn’t all that. He was, though. You know what that means.

BULL STUFF

  • Douglas Duncan’s draft pick, Motown Magic, threw down his usual big leaps out of the chute and whirlybirded Duncan right off his back. I love that bull’s style!
  • Express cornered wickedly, then a couple of insecure steps changed his rhythm and lowered L.J. Jenkins’s score to 81.75.
  • Titanium Tough used to be tough; now everybody’s riding him. Sean Willingham, in his 221st consecutive BFTS event scored 88 on him (or was it 221 outs? You never know, when Hummer’s giving you the info).
  • Mean Eyed Cat looked like he was pirouetting around the arena under Aaron Roy.
  • The Ref showed unorthodox moves on the ground and in the air. Here let me put in a plug for the movie of the same name. The Ref is a Christmas classic (heh heh) starring Denis Leary–which gives you an idea of what kind of Christmas classic it is— and my sister came up with the story and co-wrote the script.

EEK!

High Octane Hurricane dumped Stormy Wing flat on his back, and his head bounced pretty hard. Shorty thought he was out, but Stormy got up and walked. “The lights are on, but nobody’s home,” was J.Dub’s diagnosis. “He scattered his chickens pretty good; he won’t know what’s going on for a few minutes.”

NOW, DID YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT?

  • Commercial for Dickies: “Standing in harm’s way since 1992.” When ya put it like that, it makes the bullfighters sound real stupid.
  • Commercial for Bad Boy Mowers: I’ve been laughing for so long at the “You know what revs my motor?” line, I almost overlooked this other gem. As the Mow Ho’ writhes in her shorty shorts and tank top—you know, ASL for “I’m sexy”─ she says: “Know what’ll make your yard look hot?” Somebody please explain to me how a friggin’ patch of grass can be “hot”?

BIGGEST FREUDIAN SLIP IN THE WORLD:

Coming back from a commercial break, Craig Hummer is standing side by side with J.W. Hart (you know, a former World Champion) to introduce him, and says he’s standing with Craig Hummer. Yeah, he wishes he was a champion bull rider! J.W. had to straighten out his identity crisis. Coming back from a commercial break much later: “It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally figured it out: he’s J.W. Hart, I’m Craig Hummer.” Sad.

THE EVER-QUOTABLE AUSTIN MEIER

Leah Garcia asked about his “invincible” helmet. Austin: “It’s got a great paint job on it.”

OY!

  • Now in addition to Canadianaaron Roy, we have SurprisecanadianTy Pozzobon.
  • “One of the elder statesmen in the locker room,” The Bummer called Chris Shivers.
  • Never thought I’d hear these words: “It moves Silvano Alves onto the bubble.”

LOOKIN’ GOOD LUKE (his new nickname, I decided):

Luke Snyder’s been riding amazingly well (89 on Charley Bullware tonight); 2011 was his best year yet. Seems living in southern California got him into yoga, which got him into better shape, which made him spread the “yoga craze” on tour. Now he’s moving to Missouri with fiancée Jen to set up house. I think it’s luuuuv, not yoga, that’s upped his riding percentage.

BOO-BOO BRIGADE

  • Kody Lostroh got hurt by T Rex last night─ of course it was the same knee with the torn-up ACL. Dr. Tandy Freeman said if he couldn’t bend it, he couldn’t ride today, and Kody had the sense to listen, missing out on RMEF Gunpowder & Lead. He hopes to ride next week.
  • Valdiron de Oliveira was #1 for 17 out of 19 weeks last year. Sadly, that was then and this is now. Spook hung a horn in the chute, came out backwards; it wasn’t a good trip. Valdiron’s left shoulder separation was hurting him, and this time he was holding his riding arm in pain.

CLARK KENT OR SUPERMAN?

Jordan Hupp, who scored 84.75 on Amy’s Pet, is now “Bad Boy Lead Dog,” but somehow that doesn’t seem to fit a guy who’s so gosh darn shucks gosh darn.

CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?

  • J.W. Hart talking about his use of Twitter: “I don’t say much, but it’s real good.”
  • Last night Renato Nunes got a laceration over his left eye; he thought the bull’s horn hit him. Shorty told him the bull kicked him; his response: “If I’d known that, I would’ve bit his foot!”
  • Ty Pozzobon has a torn meniscus in his right knee from last night, and a partially torn MCL. After his 84.50 ride on Montanacanvas.com, he stepped off on his feet, “which is what you wanna do,” said J.W., “except when you have problems with your knees and ankles. I never had that problem; I always landed on the back of my head.”
  • “You have to reconcile victories and losses… You have to have dreams and fight for them…all this depends on how much ambition you have.”─ Guilherme Marchi
  • Until the broken ribs, “Marchi never faced a real injury that has shooken him up.” Wow, Craig─ a crazy verb tense, and you’re not even a cowboy.

TRAIN WRECK: THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM

J.B. is now “the cowboy from NASCAR country.” Well, I guess it’s better than being the guy that Blue Emu Grandma tortures in the chute.

He said he’d never do it again, but the loon picked Train Wreck because “he’s a good bull,” he likes the bull, he’s not trying to prove anything. Pull the other one, J.B.! He said Train Wreck probably squashed him because he was off to the side and pulled the bull down. Leah’s comment: “You can’t be more than a buck and 40; how could that be?!” (J.B. weighing 140 really depressed me about what I saw on the scale today.)

“It’s the winners circle or bust for J.B. He likes the attention.” —J.W. Shorty explaining the choice of Train Wreck: “He’s not afraid of bulls.”

The ride: J.B. held onto the chute rail way too long; then all I could think was, please god, let this bull stay upright! Well, they both did, for 89.50. But would the score be the same for another rider, or was it high because of the payback factor?

DANG!!

  • Bucking Machine was throwing Colby Yates forward against the chute railing; thank god the guys were right there holding onto him; even a helmet and mask can do only so much when 1500 lbs. of beef is smashing you against a metal railing. JDub put it in perspective: “When you’ve bucked off 28 bulls in a row, you don’t care if it’s a roping calf at the State Fair, you just want to stay on him.” Everyone at the event and at home let out the same groan when Colby got bucked off at 7.30. I wanted him to score so bad, I would’ve sworn he made it to 8.
  • I blinked, and Ben Jones was off the back of Larry the Cable Guy’s Git-R-Done. He was gritting his teeth so hard to keep from crying, he may lose a few more. Note to anyone who thinks showing feelings is shameful: you’re an idiot. Ben takes his life seriously.

HUMMER ON THE BRAIN

Ugh; Craig’s doing that getting-inside-the-rider’s-head again: “Chris Shivers wants to win the event two times.” Listen, nincompoop: Every rider in every event wants to win it.

NITWITTICISMS

“Mean Eyed Cat covered some ground, but it’s Aaron Roy who looks like he has nine lives.” ─Hummer, of course.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO ‘HMMM…’

Ironic that an ad for sportsmanship ran during a PBR event: A kid playing in a championship basketball game tells the coach and his teammates that he touched the ball, and it’s the other team’s now. His teammates are seriously bummed that he’s being honest. Hmmm, what does that remind you of? A hint: in a movie, the part would be played by Renato Nunes.

I’M JUST SAYIN’…

  • We missed so many rides (and non-rides) during commercials; during the basketball ad, we missed Rubens Barbosa (Black Attack), and Rooster McKeeman (Class 6 Kat). Billy Robinson was an alternate in the2010 Finals. Has he been on the BFTS at all since then? Wouldn’t we like to see a new guy and find out something about him?
  • Why is Silvano Alves refusing re-rides, except when Cody Lambert told him to take one? Keeping a 79 for his trip on Shortcut, a bull with a big rack (ha ha)? Alves stayed on, but at the end was hanging on the bull’s right side. Nunes says Silvano doesn’t like getting on re-ride bulls. What’s with Alves lately? These low scores are bizarre in the first place. Paolo Lima rode Slim Chance for 83─ the bull that would’ve been Alves’ reride last night. J.W. said Silvano could’ve ridden that bull, he should be taking re-rides, it could’ve been an 83, 85…he really sounded bummed, wanting Alves to get back to his usual form. Don’t we all!
  • You mean Meier’s chest didn’t touch Shepherd Hills Trapper? I saw his left shoulder hit; he actually bounced up from it. The judges didn’t review the tape; they scored him.

ANTI-FASHION ALERT:

Cody Nance’s fashion statement: face cage and cowboy hat.

MIXED BLESSINGS:

  • Ryan McConnel did a beautiful job on Keepin’ It Real, and was scored 85.50. J.W. said his hand came out of the rope at 7.99, “but you’re not gonna get that from me.” Is that more of that “cowboy code” again?
  • That is one wild rear-end Tennessee Honey has. Three times you just knew Sean Willingham was going to fly off, and his back touched that bull at least twice, but he was scored. “I didn’t know which way to lean in my chair to help him.”—J.Dub.

GEE, WHATTA SURPRISE

J.B. picked Asteroid for the Championship Round.  “Some guys like J.B. just go after the monsters every day,” was J.Dub’s take. The bull hung a horn in the gate leaving the chute, delivered a flurry of huge kicks, changed his balance and direction, and J.B. went f-lying. Said J.Dub, “Silly wabbit—tricks are for kids!”

RESULT:

  • Jordan Hupp wins, thanks to an 88.25 for what was only a pretty good ride on Lincoln Electric’s Bring It. Even he was kinda stunned: “That last bull—man, I don’t even know how I rode him. In the first five seconds he got me in a bad position, and I don’t know how I rode him for the last three.”
  • Eguche tried Buckey on for size; it was a wild roller coaster ride, but only for 6+ seconds. That’s okay. This kid is The Real Deal, as Ty would say. He came in second.
  • Ryan McConnel: 3rd place. His talk with Cody Lambert obviously helped. Cody knew Ryan was a much better rider than he was showing, we knew it, and finally Ryan knows: 88.25 on Yellow Jacket Jr. Attaboy!
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5 Responses to PORTLAND INVITATIONAL – Jan. 22

  1. bullridingmarketing says:

    Yup, I did see a little aggravation there. Poor guy is trying to be so professional, and the judges aren’t. This sport needs a neutral independent judging association. And a rider union. OMG what am I saying!? Treat everyone like equals?? Surely I jest.

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  2. Kris says:

    LOL– I have the same pet peeve!

    See, our problem is we’re trying to make sense out of non-sense. The rules depend on which rider it is.

    I think you’re right about Silvano. He’s not a glory hog; he just does his job, and of all the Killer Bees, he’s had the fewest injuries (so far). If he keeps on keeping on, who knows? But the judges are underscoring him pretty consistently. If anyone just looked at the scores without seeing the actual rides, they’d think that the reigning World Champ was on a huge losing streak.

    Use Tab Barker so we could hear something straight from the horse’s mouth? Surely you jest! Wouldn’t it be better to let The Bummer pretend he’s clairvoyant and tell us all what Silvano’s thinking, like he does with every other rider?

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    • S. says:

      It seems like Silvano is starting to get mad. We shall see if this helps or hinders him. Unfortunately, whatever he is feeling isn’t going to do anything about the judging.

      Yes, surely we wouldn’t want to use the translator. That’s just crazy talk! The translator is only to be used to say thank you to the fans, sponsors and God, after all.

      Like

  3. S. says:

    Please excuse the apostrophe use in “its”– pet peeve and I missed it!

    Like

  4. S. says:

    Seeing as the rules change by the minute, I could be wrong, but my impression was that it’s only the free arm touching the bull that matters. Whether the shoulder is part of the arm in PBR-land, you tell me. Then again, I guess it depends if the bull came up and hit the cowboy or if the cowboy hit the bull.

    Man, I love this sport and it’s clear rules and fair judging!

    I suspect that part of Silvano’s deal is that he’s trying to stay healthy. The more bulls you get on, the more likely you are to get hurt. There’s also probably a little “bird in the hand” thinking– he’s thinking of the end of the season and the point accumulation overall. Unfortunately, the bonus round could prove to be the Achilles heel in his plan– if he doesn’t get a score to make it in that round, his chances of getting into the final round are slim, and there goes all those bonus points.

    Of course, since the PBR has a translator, why the heck don’t they just ask him and then we’d know?!

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