This broadcast was bookended with the hollerin’ hillbilly. Aren’t we lucky to have him ringing in our ears after we turn off the TV?
- Cooper Tires Athlete Profile on Ryan Dirteater, showing some rides. The Booth Boys are singing his praises, talking about his dedication, he rides bulls every day, not just every weekend, he’s showing confidence, etc. Tell me something I don’t know! I knew he was a figher even before his last two big injuries, or he woulda quit after the first.
- “Great Out of the Gate Moment” showing childhood photos of Douglas Duncan riding bulls. His father Mike was pulling his rope tonight. Said Dad: “I don’t tell him much, because he rode bulls way better than me, and it’s hard to tell somebody who’s doing what he’s done and accomplished what he’s accomplished…he’s a fine young man.”
- Robson sent in a “What I Did On My Summer Vacation” kind of video of him riding; he’ll be back next week. YEAH, BABY!!
TA-DAA! Bushwacker will be back for the Iron Cowboy event!
- Chase Outlaw made his 2nd qualified BFTS ride, on Hard Times, for 84.75. Leah Garcia asked how this was happening now. “I just relax and have fun. The first couple of events I had some butterflies, but they’re gone now.” Good on ya, Kid With The Koolest Kowboy Name Ever.
- Jory Markiss, with a surprising #8 power rating (maybe that’s for his lungs?) “had an answer for everything,” the Chief Nitwit would say, as Black Attack tried every kooky move, up, down, this side, that side, even hip hop. The 82.50 coulda been more, for the effort he put out, including big ol’ “money chops.” Hummer calls him “Mr. 5-hour Energy;” I call him a little scary. He leaves the dirt screaming “I love the PBR!”
- Renato was Krazy-Glued to Dark Shadow! We got a looong backflip, for a ride worth more than 87. Leah’s question, “How important is it for you to make that ride?” went over his head. (Gotta keep it simple, folks.) He answered with a few random phrases─ “Everything is—I gotta hang out—I feel nervous,” but he’s cute when he laughs.
- Justin Koon made it to 6.74 on Asteroid, slightly more than Stormy Wing, but what, no time for a comment from him, because all eyes are on Darling Douglas Duncan?
CAN’T STAND IT
- “J.B. Mauney is here too, and why wouldn’t he be?”–Hummer.
- The Hummer monologue and his commentary with McBride is so phony; it’s like they’ve been watching sportscasts all week and trying to imitate the big boys.
- Marco took a horn in the face for 87.50 on Trickster, but Hummer, who obviously hasn’t been near a bull, says, “Eguche doesn’t care because he’s got a second score on the board.” Really? How do you know what’s going on inside him? Maybe it hurts.
- Asked how he was feeling after getting stepped on, Chance Roberts told Leah, “I’m doin’ a lot better. It’s too far from my heart to really hurt me.”
CAN I QUOTE YOU ON THAT?
- “Let’s check in with the dirt.”—Leah, introducing Shorty.
- Tee hee: “He was the hottest young thing that bull riding had ever seen.”—Justin McBride, talking about Chris Shivers.
- After Stormy Wing’s 6 seconds on Asteroid, he was so mad he punched the gate. Leah asked if he’d seen the video of his attempt. “Yeah. I saw it twice. It just pissed me off!” After he’d simmered for a while, he later said, “That’s dinosaur bones.” He hopes he comes up against Asteroid another time. Like most people love a root canal.
- “Yeah, I remember that ride, because I was so scared of that bull, ‘cause he was so mean.”—Justin McBride, talking about a 2001 ride in Houston.
- “You drew tough when you’ve got both of those guys on your bulls.”—McBride saying how contractors must feel when they see de Oliveira and Nunes get on their bulls.
- Never heard of Will James, a gorgeous black bull in the championship round. With a big jump and high kick, he blew J.B. off his back, then faced off with Shorty’s gang like a prizefighter. Another Mesa Pate bull. She knows how to pick a winner!
- I rate Shepherd Hills Tested Wow! He kicks his ass off! No wonder he’s unridden.
- T Rex. Another Wow! Likin’ that bull. Sorry about that, Dusty.
- Loose Cannon, Mesa Pate’s bull, dumped Jordan Hupp, then pawed the ground, as Hummer would say, “sending a message” to Shorty Gorham, who was in his eyeline.
- Bubba’s Got Rack─ how hysterical is that name? a prize to whoever came up with it─ does have quite the pair, but Luke Snyder’s “invincible” helmet protected him. After the buckoff, the bull chased Frank Newsom, who sure got more than his share of the action in this event.
- Can’t tell if that’s a “soul patch” growing on Guilherme Marchi’s chin, or a bloody scar.
- Harve Stewart’s looking a little Wolfman-ish with that facial hair riot goin’ on.
- I don’t follow other sports, so I don’t know who John Elway is; he was talking about the guts it takes to get on a bull, and he looks like one of Gary Oldman’s psycho characters.
- Shorty said Bonner Bolton’s bull, Play Harder, would go after a rider on the ground, but instead the bull freight-trained Newsom. It looked bad, with Frank bent over in the wings with Bonner by his side. That’s a sight I never thought I’d see.
- Rocky Smooth gave Ryan McConnel a hard landing on the back of his neck. Ryan couldn’t get up for a while, and was escorted out by a medical staff member holding him by the scruff of his waistband. He definitely got his bell rung. Speaking of which, somebody needs to make him stay after school, ‘til he does something about his riding.
- After a hangup on Shepherd Hills Sod Buster, Cody Nance hit the dirt; the bull’s hooves grazed each side of his neck at the base of his skull—where was his Hannibal Lecter outfit?? It was so scary that Justin McBride said he ducked his head down so he wouldn’t have to see it.
- Right out of the chute, Panther’s horn tip hit Cord McCoy’s helmet; without that cage, he would’ve lost an eye.
I’M JUST SAYIN’…A LOT
- For the 1st time, the PBR is participating in Rodeo Houston. But not Ty Pozzobon. He’s not allowed to; he has to go to Glendale. Their decision, not his. See my Mar. 17 post.
- Onscreen: a list of rider standings, with their countries’ flags next to their names: alternating Americans and Brazilians Folks: this is not a team sport. The more you fabricate a national rivalry storyline, the more you create hostility toward non-Americans and unsportsmanlike conduct from the U.S. judges.
- McKennon Wimberly has started riding. He wants to come back and get on Asteroid. Yeah, there’s a real good idea.
- “Still to come: J.B. Mauney,” says the female voiceover. On one hand, thank the powers that be, she sounds like a normal adult woman. On the other hand, why are they announcing J.B. like a guest star on the Grammys? Do other sports do that in the middle of a game? “Still to come: Chad Ochocinco.” I don’t think so. It’s baffling to me how the PBR tries to make its broadcasts look and sound like major league football, but at the same time does hokey shit like this, which telegraphs loud and clear: “This is just entertainment, not sports.”
- Truth Booth moment: Austin Meier talked about how the Brazilians were all leading last year, and he was the only American in the mix (I kept saying nobody was giving him enough credit for that), “but this year there’s more Americans in there.” Yeah, but there wouldn’t be that many if it weren’t for certain judges who shall remain nameless─ oh wait; they are!
- Hummerblather: “Douglas Duncan, hoping to write the perfect script in his home town…” He doesn’t have to, Craig; the judges will do it for him. Sure enough: Duncan looked beautiful on Hee Bee Gee Bee, but visibly slapped the bull’s left shoulder. Judge #2 took his time weighing in, and of course they scored him─ 90.25, no less. God forbid they DQ the favorite son in front of family and friends. “Sam Houston would be proud,” said the Chief Nitwit. Huh? “Douglas Duncan vaults to the top of the leaderboard. That was his best score of the season.” Yeah, the PBR loves creating fake Hallmark moments. It’s disgraceful.
- “In this sport you don’t get called for a foul because of body contact.”—Hummer, after a promo pushing how tough! dangerous! exciting! bull riding is. Uh, Craig, actually the rules say you DO. If a rider’s free hand or part of his body touches a bull (unless the bull comes up and hits you, e.g., a horn to the face), you’re supposed to be disqualified. But we see so many exceptions to the rule, it’s understandable you’re confused.
- In Atlanta, Eguche rode Trickster for 88.50. Craig said Marco’s been trying to memorize what the bulls do, asking everyone, Brazilian, American, and otherwise about them. Hummer praised him for trying to learn English and making an effort to converse—well, does Eguche really have a choice? They don’t use the translator full-time; if he wants to know what’s going on, especially when the judges are screwing him, he’s got to, quick. And why does everyone expect Brazilians to learn English, but other riders don’t need to learn Portuguese?
SHIVER ME TIMBERS─ EVERYONE DONE LOST THEIR MINDS
We saw a clip of Chris Shivers riding last week, as Hummer yelped, “Chris Shivers is in control of the law on Frontier Fugitive!” “What a Hollywood script ending it was last week, with Chris Shivers winning.” Hollywood script, yeah. Not reality. We should believe Chris has 93 90-point rides, and beat J.B. Mauney in Atlanta? I can’t believe the colossal hypocrisy of the judges; after all the hype and hope the PBR put into J.B., they ding him by a quarter point to pump up the Shivers mythology. If I were J.B., I’d have exploded.
Less than 1/2 hour into the broadcast, Hummer has mentioned Shivers’ “93rd 90-point rides” 3 times─ i.e., every 8 minutes. Later, in another paean, he’s foaming at the mouth: “Can his fans dare to dream he’ll win back-to-back? Houston is about to get the Shivers experience!” “Ponce de Leon’s got nothing on Chris Shivers.” “Chris Shivers has opened up the floodgates last week to an emotional─” here my ears shut off. Later, more Shivers idolatry: looking at the leaderboard before going to break, Hummer says, “Look who would be facing Asteroid if things stayed the same—Chris Shivers, who would love to add that to his resume.” Oh, really? Has he ever said that? NO. Why is Hummer so corny, overblown, idiotic? Who’s writing his material?? It’s embarrassing! Does he think this nonsense ratchets up the excitement level? He talked again about Shivers while Eguche wrapped on Trickster. What does Chris have to do with Eguche?? It’s just vomitous. Someone has got to tell The Bummer to tone down the crap! He makes the PBR sound ridiculous!
On top of that, Shorty gave the exact speech about Chris I’ve heard at least twice before.
I love Motown Magic’s action, but by now, Austin Meier really oughtta be able to ride him.
HOW THE KILLER BEES ROLL
- Ryan Dirteater talked about the Brazilians being hard working, motivated, and wanting it, and that the other riders just had to ride their bulls, do their jobs, and try their hardest. Gv-ge-yu-hi!
- “The Brazilians gonna keep trying win and win, and we gonna try hard.”—Renato, proud to show off his English.
- Silvano on Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey, who bucked him off: “That’s a good bucking bull. I have to congratulate him; I didn’t ride him. I’ll have to get on the next one.”
- “For defending champion Silvano Alves, riding a bull like that is just like standing on an escalator.” This is The Bummer’s analogy for Silvano’s ride on─ Toronto? Geronimo? Whatever; a bull who hung a horn bigtime on the chute gate.
- As Marco Eguche wrapped on Fire Freak, we got the classic, “He’s wired, so we get a chance to listen in to his preparation….” And as usual, we hear nothing. Hummer finally has a clue: “Looks as though it’s somewhat of a silent time this week in the chutes.” THIS WEEK?? How about all season long and last year?!
HAS ANYBODY NOTICED?
You’ve all heard announcers say some bulls will try to get a rider down on the ground? I’m starting to think it’s the other way round with J.B. At the end of his ride on Early Bird, J.B. scored, and the bull fell down and did a scrabbling move. Then there were the two Train Wrecks… And a couple more grounders here and there. They’re going to have to start saying, “J.B. Mauney will try to get a bull down on the ground.”
For the Ford Invasion, Ross Coleman and Luke Snyder go to the world’s largest barbecue contest. First one of them hammers a big nail, then they eat barbecue.
OMG, could Hummer look any more Hollywood! Slick hair, spray tan bordering on orange, open collar: the Miami Vice look─ a sad comment on the state of the PBR today.
CHECK OUT CHASE!
Chase Outlaw, 19 years old, in his 3rd BFTS out, refused to let go of Too Sexy, hung on sideways (shades of J.B./Code Blue!) and scored 82.75 (I think), but took a shot in what looked like a very private place; out of sight of the crowd, he doubled over. Of course a camera had to follow to milk every ounce of the “Get off on the pain!”crap. Later Hummer blathered about Chase having to wait for “the Murderers’ Row” of the 5 top riders to go out: “You gotta think he wants to win this one.” DUH, ya don’t say?? I can’t stand that this idiot says stuff that makes no sense, like “You don’t feel any pain when you’re the Bad Boy Mowers Lead Dog.” Meanwhile Chase is biting his lip, trying not to be doubled over, dripping sweat. We’re later told he “got the wind knocked out of him.” AND CHASE OUTLAW WINS HIS 1ST BFTS EVENT!