Well, they’re not sparing us any of the pain: it’s the one-two punch: yellin’ feller followed by whiny fake cowboy song. I mean, what kinda vocalist sings, “pay, yay, yay, in?”
You know how talk show hosts have funny opening monologues?
Well, Craig Hummer doesn’t. Check out this bilge:
“Chris Shivers knows summer eventually turns to fall…” While all the rest of us believe that it leads to winter. Which actually might happen, thanks to global warming.
“The stars have come out on this summer evening in Tulsa, and the two brightest are Asteroid and Bushwacker. They are our X & Y” (I don’t remember the sports figures he used as comparison) “and Kevin Durant and James LeBron.” Or was it Kobe Bryant and James LeBron? I don’t remember; I don’t care about other sports.
“There’s no question that when we see them in person they amp up their game.”
So Bushwacker and Asteroid slack off when they don’t have an audience?
Here’s a fabulously dumb expression: “the likes of Valdiron.” Valdiron de Oliveira’s been #1 for 10 weeks. Who else is like de Oliveira?
Even worse: J.W. Hart said about the judges “They’re not here to cheat anybody.” Maybe they fooled him, but thousands of us disagree.
Now this makes more sense: JDub characterized Chris Shivers as the last link between the founding fathers of the PBR and the guys in the locker room now.
Shivers said that every time he shows up, he shows up to win. Which of course makes him different from all the other riders, who show up to lose. I am beyond sick of cowboys using that phrase. It’s ridiculous posturing; someone’s gonna lose and someone’s gonna win. They all wanna win. The end.
Chris said he was just as mad when he got bucked off last night as when he first started. I don’t know—how do you maintain a mad for that long? He also said the everything he has, he owes to the PBR. Imagine what that’ll do to the scoring.
L.J. Jenkins blamed his Round 1 buckoff on a bad bull. Never heard anyone else do that.
PFF! (You remember what that stands for, right?)
PFI’s Boot Daddy caught napping: the chute gate flew open, and he just stood there, not even thinking about moving. JDub and I had the same flashback of the only other time a bull pulled this stunt: on Adriano Moraes, on national television. Might’ve even been at the World Finals. I remember howling. I’m thinking that when somebody said, “Buck ‘em!” Boot Daddy heard “F*** ‘em!”
After LJ was given 85.50 for Magic Man barely bucking– his rear hooves didn’t even get as high as his tail— the bull didn’t want to leave. He did the “Don’t fuck-with-me” ground pawing at Jesse Byrne. Then he bolted for the Shark Cage, where The Painted One was on the case. Or as one of the Booth Boys said, “Flint trying to do his bit, but of course trying to do it from the safety of the Shark Cage.” First he tried the flying hat routine, which didn’t faze Magic Man at all, then he faced off with MM, boogying at the bull, who seemed to be dancing right back at him– adding a little tap on the cage. After a lot of effort, Mike White eventually roped him and got him out of there…but ya know, some times the bulls are better entertainment than Flint.
Moe Bull started out spinning fast, gradually petered out, and after Harve Stewart was out of his hair, fell down and rolled on his side—I think he made himself dizzy. Then he didn’t want to leave the party. They said he was a debut bull; come to think of it, he was acting like a lot of freshmen guys I used to know.
SELECTIVE APPLICATION OF RULES
- I should’ve timed the prep–Chris Shivers must’ve been wrapping for 5 minutes. Hummer had plenty of babble time. Play Harder definitely was trying to get out over the chute, but after a while… come on! And nobody made a peep.
- Not all bulls have speed, and until now, I haven’t seen a rider penalized for that, but Robson Palermo was underscored for Wild Card’s pace, with an 81.50.
- Silvano said his bull came up and hit his hand, which happened to Robson a while ago. Since Alves has never been one to “get away with” anything, I believe him. I think Silvano’s feelings from last night affected the ride. Right now he must be feeling pretty lonely. It’s hard to do your best when the judges are ganging up on you.
NEVER A DULL MOMENT
JB said he was disgusted with himself last night (and apparently a few other words you can’t say on TV). I did four “uh-oh”s each time he pulled himself back into position on Pawnbroker. How did he score 85.50? “If you put enough rosin on that rope, it’ll hold onto you, too.” (Yeah, but when you’re a Brazilian rider, getting out of position in the first place costs you points.)
- Last night I was wondering why Renato’s arm was splinted and bandaged all the way up, and then Porcupine Puncher made it a lot worse. When the bull came out, his next move pulled so hard on Renato’s riding arm, I’m surprised it didn’t tear off. His arm was beyond fully extended— it was hyperextended. I’m surprised his elbow wasn’t dislocated.
- Black Out kicked up so high, he was hopping forward on his forelegs, almost to the point of flipping over forward, and sent Caleb Sanderson in that direction. Then his head crashed Caleb’s midsection into the fence—quite the mashup—and the bull ended up with rope wrapped around his forelegs, hopping out through the exit chute. Looked dangerous to me; the bull could’ve tripped and broken a leg.
- Don’t know why Guilherme Marchi picked Rockie Smooth; didn’t he remember what happened last time? The bull was seriously whining in the chute; out in the arena, Marchi ended up perpendicular to the bull’s side and got his back stepped on. Going for payback isn’t always the smartest move.
- Bummer! Ben Jones was pulled out of competition– lower abdominal strain, per Tandy Freeman—he can’t ride in the championship round, never mind choosing Bushwacker. Now, was the strain from riding or dancing? He didn’t seem to be hurting after his excellent 88.25 ride on Back Bender, though his dance was a little shorter. Sigh: later, the news on the website is that he has a fractured pelvis. (Which turned out to be not true.)
NEW FASHION ICON IN TOWN
Shane Proctor’s peppery little bull ditched him, but WOW! Check out those flashy chaps: shiny purple, with zebra-stripes. Dude, you gotta get some silver boots to go with all that bling. Beats Cody Nance’s red-white-and-blue vest all hollow.
- I want to know who made the decision to show all the most terrible wrecks of the season. Who is it that thinks seeing people in pain is the appeal of bull riding? Who are they trying to appeal to, the Neanderthals who think cage fighting is a sport? People who want to see blood? The PBR is busting its ass to break bull riding out of its niche status, have it accepted by the public on network TV, and attract major sponsors, instead of having it seen as some backward, primitive activity on the level of cock-fighting—and then they make themselves look crude, bloodthirsty, and sadistic by focusing on the terrible injuries riders sustain, selling those moments as highlights.
- Noting which riders we didn’t get to see, because obviously they don’t rate high enough: Besplug, Ehlers, Billy Robinson, Cody Johnson, Aaron Roy (uh-oh- they’re dissing him now?)… So the pattern is, they deliberately schedule the non-VIP riders for the last ride of the flight, because that’s when the commercials are.
- The last three of Ryan Dirteater’s buckoffs I’ve seen, he’s twirled off and landed on his feet. He must be doing the same thing wrong over and over.
NEW DADDY ROCKS
Bad Blake was a good pick for Kody Lostroh. Their 3rd meeting was payback: he scored 87. He’s in the zone; that new baby did the trick. “Thank heaven for little girls,” right?
SO DOES THE 5-HOUR ENERGY BOY
Jory Markiss was resplendent in a purple shirt on Rush Hour, who came out backwards. Jory was pumped about his 81.25 score; it’s been a while since he’s made points on this tour. Like that rotation, Markiss! And I’m not talking about anything you did on the bull.
NEW TEE SHIRT
Tanner Byrne, after another quick buckoff, described his first night (last night) on the Built Ford Tough Series, talking to big bro Jesse: “It was a blur.”
Marco Eguche’s hand is really hurting, especially with that aerial dismount from his re-ride on Bad Moon, but that 88 might help.
AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?
- Mason Lowe picked Bushwacker? Wha?? How did that happen? Lowe is one of the low men on the totem pole. Why didn’t Valdiron pick him? How was that bull one of the few left? Justin Koon picked Asteroid because he’d stayed on him for a while last time, which makes a tiny bit of sense. But why did he have first pick? I thought Kody Lostroh was in the lead.
- Chance Roberts went missing? What happened? They found him, which meant that Jenkins was out of the final round; and since Chance had no pick, he was left with Quiet Riot, who’s unridden on the BFTS and 1 for 24 in his career. Chance got popped in the face—the helmet facemask saved his nose, for sure.
BULLIEVE ME, YOU SHOULD WATCH THESE GUYS
- Quiet Riot, unridden on the BFTS, is 1 for 24 for his career.
- David’s Dream is unridden. Says JDub: “He’s pretty small, but he bucks big. Action-packed.”
- Valdiron was Mulligan Man’s 12th buckoff—AAGH! I don’t know how the bull does it, but he’s manhandled quite a few top riders. JDub’s right: he’s not flashy, but he overpowers them. And to overpower de Oliveira, you gotta be a monster.
- Top Proctor, who’s 0 for14, slid Mike Lee right off him.
- Shepherd Hills Trapper’s ducking-down move tossed Ty Pozzobon over the front fender; at one point, the bull’s chin was on the ground. No wonder the bull’s 1 for 12. “And then he just yard-darts him,” as JW described it.
WHAT MORE CAN YOU SAY?
18-year-old Mason Lowe was Bushwacker’s 42nd straight buckoff. Every time I see this bull, I’m impressed all over again by his power. This time his 46.25 edged out Asteroid by .25, who came out half-backwards, and with one gigantic flip of his ass, chucked Koon.
Leah Garcia asked Mason Lowe what it felt like getting on Bushwacker, the biggest, most powerful bull. He took a second, then said in the most calm cowboy voice you can imagine: “It was a lot more power than I expected.”
Justin Koon, on the other hand, was laughing, explaining what happened on Asteroid’s back: “It was over before it started.”
The bulls socked it to the cowboys; nobody rode in the championship round. It was Kody Lostroh’s first win in two years—without riding his last bull. He was pretty funny in his post-win interview: “I won this event before by bucking off a bull, and I did it again… I just gotta thank all these guys for bucking off… It’s either really hard and you can’t do it, or you’re in the groove and it’s going right. I was in that groove until about a minute ago.”