Sure, it’s late, but when you look back, you see stuff that affected the next event, and the next, and the next…
There were only 6 rides—that was some rank pen!
THE BOO-BOO REPORT
• Valdiron de Oliveira was in a terrible wreck last night: two major pops on the bull’s head; he must’ve been knocked out before he hit the ground, flat on his stomach. He had to be carted off on a stretcher, with his head stabilized. He passed the concussion test, though, so he was able to ride tonight. On Top Shelf, he looked tentative, as if he lost confidence partway through the ride.
• Jory Markiss got his bell rung in Round 1 by Wedding Bells. (How much do you wanna bet Craig Hummer used that line? I wouldn’t know, since I won’t pay to watch the Live Event Center.) He passed the concussion test for tonight.
• Ryan Dirteater is back after being cut from the BFTS tour. Including his left ACL surgery—his meniscus being operated on for a third time—he’s probably got the scariest boo-boo list in the PBR.
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
• It’s a bummer that since JW Hart’s a contractor now, we don’t get to see him enough as a commentator; he’s a lot more fun (and smarter) than Justin McBride.
• It’s been forever since the translator was there, and there are some new riders from Brazil, including Claudio Chrisostomo, who don’t speak English. I don’t think Marchi and the older guys are being paid extra to act as translators. If American riders were working in Brazil, I’m pretty sure they’d have a translator. Come on, PBR—pony up! Or should I say, cowboy up? Even Justin (“I’m thinking as hard as I can”) McBride made the brilliant discovery a few years behind schedule about why the Brazilians stick together: “A lot of it’s a language barrier for the other guys.”
• The bulls in this round seem to have skipped the homework. Bulls were jumping and popping all over the arena, there were only a few spinners, and some of them forgot to kick. When JB was matched up with Razorbuck, Hummer declared it “a golden opportunity for a round win,” and reminded us that Mauney had ridden him before. So does that mean they threw him a “dead cert”? Or at least a bull that if he rode, he’d score big on, instead of all those travelin’ bulls a lot of the other guys got? Well, he did score big: 90.75. I notice these things.
I thought Jory Markiss was never gonna leave Bono. He scored 88.25. But what’s this about a $500 taxi ride?
• Austin Meier got Blind Sided, and is now 4 for 25. (I wouldn’t be surprised if Hummer used the same remark.)
• Mike Lee is now 2 for 20 on the BFTS.
• This is the third time H.D. Coleman, a Chickasaw from Oklahoma, was invited to Springfield for the PBR’s annual “See? We’re Not Racist” embarrassment. They also invited Zane Cook, who’s on a rodeo scholarship to Connors State College in Oklahoma. Wow, two whole Native American riders! Could they spare it? This time, they gave Coleman a bull called Comanche Moon. Seriously? Some jackass thought this was a good idea? Give the Indian the bull with the Indian name? The PBR keeps scaling the heights of offensive stupidity. (Worse than the regular kind of stupidity.)
• I saw Robson Palermo behind the chutes—not riding, but it’s better than no Robson at all.
• Wow, Billy! Excellent trip on Whiskey’s Rebel. 88.75. That bull’s usually awful in the chute; this time he was a lamb. He must like Robinson.
• Nobody can ride Great White; right now tonight’s bonus bull is 0 for 17. He’s got an impressive repertoire: mid-air squiggles, jumping up in the front end by pushing off the ground, then in midair he out kicks his hind legs hard like a Lipizzaner stallion executing a capriole. He popped Silvano off his back as if Alves were an amateur. Last night, I saw TV footage of a great white shark catching a seal: the monster leaped completely up out of the water, then wiggled in mid-air, and his tail came up overhead nearly perpendicular to the water. The seal didn’t stand a chance. Tonight Silvano was that seal.
• Last night, Claudio Chrisostomo’s bull sat down while coming out backwards, yet Claudio, currently Brazil’s top rider, declined a reride. Tonight, G-Force (well, that’s the name Hummer said, but that’s not what the PBR website results say) was so desperate to shake Chrisostomo off that after nothing worked, he stood up on his hind legs to slide him to the ground.
• Guilherme Marchi is part of the reason that 62% of this season’s events were won by Brazilian riders. Marchi fought for every second as Rip Tide was jumping sideways and not spinning. 68 was the result, but Marchi didn’t take the reride; the pain from his latest injury was obvious as he was walked out. BTW, having been caught in a rip tide myself, I get why that’s the bull’s name: the tide keeps carrying you sideways so you can never get where you wanna go.
The “sexiest cowboy” candidates have learned how to pose with their arms crossed to push up their biceps to the max, the way Hollywood bimbos and Buckle Bunnies push up their boobs. Jory is seriously campaigning to win this title; he uses his screen time to be extra cute; this time he held up a handwritten sign telling people to vote for him.
THANK GAWD AMIGHTY—I AM VINDICATED!
Stormy Wing didn’t ride Bourbon Street, and Hummer finally admitted, “This season he’s had a few more strikeouts than those home runs we’ve been talking about.”
SPOTLIGHT ON SNYDER
Luke Snyder lives in Springfield now, so not riding Get A Holt On wasn’t a thrill. Craig of course asked him touchy questions; Luke looked pretty unhappy about having to talk about the riding slump going on since his retirement announcement.
BOYS WILL BE—WELL, YOU KNOW
The PBR films pretty much everything; this time is was Justin McBride learning to ride a skateboard in the backstage corridor.
Well, I’ve got the Q; who’s got the A? What are some reasons judges might offer a re-ride while the bull is still in the chute (apart from a bad injury)? I’ve seen it happen with JB Mauney and Ryan Dirteater; were they fouled in there? I’m all ears.
Shorty Gorham explained why 8 seconds was chosen as the number of seconds a bull ride has to last. Craig’s crack: “You know who wishes they chose 7? LJ Jenkins.” Yeah, lately that cowboy has been making an awful lot of almost-rides.
THEY KNOW WHEREOF THEY SPEAK
Adriano Moraes said Silvano Alves could be the greatest bull rider of all time. Alves’ average earnings: $100K a month; he’s been here 36 months. “If I was in that locker room, he’s the guy I would be putting down my gear bag next to,” said Ty Murray.
• “He’s one of the elder statesmen in the locker room.”—Hummer, getting sappy about Sean Willingham. I’m sure Sean would so appreciate being categorized as just about ready for the glue factory.
• “High Cost of Living is gonna take a high price for Chase Outlaw.” Huh? Then he babbled about the bull being on speed dial and Chase saying, Guess what, wrong number. Huh?? (Score was 88.50.)
• Shane Proctor made an effort on Main Event, but when your shoulder pops out four times in a week, what are the chances of making 8? Yet says The Bummer, “Here Main Event defies the odds and bucks off Shane Proctor.” Huh?? Defies what odds? Are ya drunk?
“When you’re hurtin’ it takes all the fun out of it, when you know it’s gonna hurt whether you stay on or not.”—JB Mauney.
• Unquestionably one of the funniest dismounts in the history of bull riding: Sean Willingham exiting Thrift Shop. After an excellent ride, Sean got tossed head over heels into the first row of the audience, arms and legs tangled around the railings, and landed in a couple of laps. The fans had to untwist him from pretzel shape and onto his feet before he could escape. Even Sean had to laugh.
• Jory Markiss was wildly spurring Breakdown—everyone in that arena and on the chute went bonkers. The ride was sensational— through most of it, I thought Markiss was gonna fly off, but he just went at that bull— that’s giving it all you’ve got, and then some. After the dismount, Jory skidded on his head—that’s some gruesome shampoo—but scored a well-deserved 88. He was strutting and hobbling after that great ride; when he hit the ground, the bull stepped on him; a possible broken right ankle or foot kept him out of the Championship Round.
• As soon as the judge yelled “Let’s go,” The Rocker sat down under Silvano. Probably knew he didn’t stand a chance. Alves turned the bull into a rocking horse; this time his complete control of the ride, making it look easy, was acknowledged instead of underscored: 88.25
• Bushwacker’s tail nearly was sweeping his shoulders, he bucks his butt so far up and over! His 46 was no doubt because he didn’t get enough of a chance to show off. Meanwhile, Billy Robinson, on his back for a blink, was making scared sounds.
• Only Claudio Chrisostomo rode all 4 of his bulls this weekend, so if he rode Delco, he’d win. The bull ran out of moves, even though Chrisostomo was out of position, and Claudio won the Championship with an 82. Cute moment: Alves clapping and cheering for him.
SO NOT FUNNY
The group riding average this weekend = 20%.
Douglas Duncan has now ridden only 2 of his last 19 bulls.
Mike Lee has now ridden only 2 of his last 22 bulls.
OH GAWD, I VISH DIS IG’RANCE VUD STOP!*
(*by Bermudian poet Jeremy Frith)
• “You know all too well that JB likes to impress the judges.” What, as opposed to all the other riders who want to underwhelm the judges??
• “Claudio Chrisostomo is yet another quality general in the Brazilian bull riders brigade.”—The Bummer’s contribution to the knee-jerk xenophobia among fans who say shit like, “They’re in America, they should speak English!” If he could refrain from referring to someone’s nationality even half the time, it would help decrease the friction, or at least not fan the flames.
• If I hear “none other than JB Mauney” one more time, I am gonna SCREAM!! Is there ANY 60 seconds where the Booth Boys don’t mention him??
• “He’s been able to set history almost every time he’s on the back of a bull.”—Craig, babbling for the sake of babbling, making no sense, and flying in the face of reality. Nobody makes history every time he rides.
• Brief clip of Frank Newsom visiting a juvenile facility ranch, talking about the Gospel. What about some anger management, therapy, and job training??
THEN WHAT’S THE EXPLANATION?
Judge Jeff Shear got his 15 seconds of fame, as he answered the question, What’s the most common call you have to make? He said it’s the time. He’s wearing a headset, says he’s in constant contact with the producer, being given all the camera angles for a ride, even slowing down the ride frame for frame. Then why does he still make bum calls, miss slaps, ignore hooked spurs, put Brazilian riders under a microscope, and refuse to review certain rides? Nobody’s perfect, but sheesh, he’s made some calls that were so bad we know there was something going on that had nothing to do with reality. Maybe we all should score him.
ONE FOR RIPLEY’S
Wow! Stormy Wing prepping on Little Andy was put on the clock. That’s the second or even third time in a few years I’ve seen an American put on the clock.
YOW! (in a bad way)
• Shane Proctor landed hard on his arm, and Stir Crazy finished the job, swiping him back and forth on the ground with his head. Awful look on Shane’s face—he was really hurting. For once Hummer refrained from sticking a mic in a guy’s face when he’s miserable. He even said he didn’t have the heart to do it. (OMG—a flicker of humanity!) Later it was announced that Shane dislocated the shoulder of his free arm (again!) when he hit the dirt, and will be out of competition until the Finals.
• Marchi’s injury kept him out of the Championship Round, letting Austin Meier in.
• David’s Dream bucked off Eduardo Aparecido, targeted, then freight-trained him, leaving him stunned on the dirt. Eventually Aparecido got up and was helped out. Ben Jones hit the challenge button because of what he saw at the gate. “Just trying to be a mate,” he said, “but I’ll have to pay that $500 if we’re in the wrong!” The judges didn’t see it Ben’s way, but Jones has the true cowboy spirit: We’re all in this together, no matter where we were born.
GOTTA LOVE IT
• The cowboys describing what it feels like to ride a bull: strapping your arm to a train, a NASCAR car, a truck, etc., and having it take off. Ben Jones couldn’t find a way to describe it: “The only way to know is to try it” prompted an instant disclaimer from the Booth Boys to discourage viewers from taking Ben’s advice.
• Shorty took Justin McBride’s mic away and handed it to winner Claudio Chrisostomo, who doesn’t speak English. PFF! Nice way to shut the motormouth!
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
• Quite a few bulls hipped themselves on the way out of the chute. I’d have given Jordan Hupp a re-ride when Gigolo Beau flung him against a wall; the bump did shift the bull’s direction. Guilherme Marchi’s bull, Red Rocket, also hipped himself. After cartwheeling through the air, Marchi landed badly on his injured knee, hopped to the fence, and had to be helped out of the arena by Claudio Chrisostomo and João Ricardo Vieira. Score: 84.50.
• Ben Jones is only guy to ride Sucker Punch. He was wired, which is always worth it: this time he was singing (I use the word loosely—sounded more like using a sander on a pile of gravel) “Take Me Down To Paradise City” before he yelled “Buck ‘im!” The bull’s head rope got caught on the chute gate on the way out— no re-ride? Bull score: 44.
• Jared Farley battled valiantly, but Buck Dynasty kept bucking near the rail and banged him against the fence a few times. I thought that’d be a re-ride; Farley didn’t challenge.
• Worst of all: Asteroid’s big bang against the chute on his way out helped buck off JB Mauney. If JB hadn’t been given a reride, I’d have been doing a war dance in my living room. I so wanted to see that rematch—the bull has had 18 straight buckoffs since JB rode him. Unfortunately, the re-ride bull was Jack Daniel’s After Party, and it was a damned shame he bucked off JB.
• With all that hipping going on, I wonder if the judges’ logic was, “but then we’d have to do it for all the guys”?
WOULDN’T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY
JB Mauney’s buckoff by Outside the Box made me squawk—I just don’t see how the heck that could’ve happened. The comedy routine that followed:
Craig: “Shorty, you’re next to him, grab him for a minute.”
Shorty: “I don’t think I wanna do that…”
Craig: “You’re next to Frank…”
Shorty has self-preservation instinct; Craig’s just chicken. But they’re both right: this would not be the time to ask JB what happened. Shorty pointed out that a couple of years ago, JB would’ve been throwing his rope and kicking trash cans on his way down the hall, but now “he’s got his mind right.” Yeah, and besides, I think you get fined if you have a tantrum.
WHY WE LOVE LUKE
Hometown favorite Luke Snyder had the last slot—kind of a touchy position when you’re on the verge of retirement: all eyes are on you. Dad Mike Snyder (wearing a shirt with bucks on it—deer, not money) and childhood pal Dusty Labeth were chuteside; Dusty wanted to pull Luke’s rope if this was his last time riding in his home state. Kujo ruined the moment by bucking off Luke, but the crowd still gave Snyder a standing ovation. Poor Luke, being interviewed by Hummer when he was so disappointed couldn’t even fake his usual cheery face. Didja hafta, Craig? Couldn’t you have waited for another minute?
#1 Claudio Chrisostomo, #2 Silvano Alves , #3 JB Mauney.