I keep praying for some bull to kick that screaming fake cowboy in the head and shut him up for good.
MAUNEY ALVES MAUNEY ALVES MAUNEY ALVES MAUNEY ALVES MAUNEY
Ty Murray is making no sense, saying JB Mauney has nothing left to lose. Are you kidding? He’s got everything to lose if he doesn’t keep it up.
And yet another JB interview with Leah Garcia, who asked how he changes his mindset now that he’s in the lead. Sez JB: “You don’t.” Attaboy!
More chatter about the rivalry. Then riders are introduced. Then more talk about JB.
Back from commercial, more blabber about JB.
Craig Hummer fawning, “JB Mauney—we can’t say enough.” Yeah, you can, and YOU ALREADY HAVE!!
As Stormy Wing wraps on Nitro Carrillo Cartel (retiring this year), Craig is slavering, “There’s JB Mauney in the black, leaning over his shoulder, helping him out, and if I were Stormy Wing, I’d be listening to everything he has to say.” Puh-leeze—you’d listen to JB fart and call it the Gospel.
Back from commercial, more about JB, but to be fair, we also saw last night’s rides by João Ricardo Vieira and Brant Atwood.
And back from commercial again: “Right now, it’s all about JB Mauney…” (And this is just Day 3, folks. How sick of this are we going to get?)
Then The Bummer was back to that “JB Mauney’s brother-in-law” shit. The guy has a name, doofus. Ask the PRCA about Shane Proctor—he’s got a lot more going for him than just being married to Mauney’s sister.
And why the heck are we being told about “comebacks” in other sports? Of course—because they’re going to talk about JB again. I don’t know why they call this year his “comeback.” Sure, he had a crummy Finals last year, but it’s not like he left the sport.
Shorty Gorham, when asked his opinion about upcoming rides: “I’m gonna skip all the rest of ‘em and just go right to JB and Silvano.” About time someone mentioned Silvano!!
Alves scored 89.50 on Showboat. They do begrudge him those 90s.
When JB needed 82 to stay in the #1 slot, the judges lavished an 89 on him. Was Excavation any better than Showboat? Nahh.
That sent Hummer into hysteria: “Two heavyweights trading blows—Silvano throws the right cross, JB throws the—” what was it again? My brain can’t take in all of his spewing.
JB: “I need a big ol’ glass o’ water right now; my mouth is so dry, I can’t even spit. That guy right there, Silvano is one of the greatest bull riders I’ve ever watched. He don’t let up none, that’s for sure.” That’s how a great rider talks.
Alves is now back to #1; they’re separated by 20 points. Leah relayed the JB’s compliments and asked what he thought about the race: “The opinion is, Good ride, Cowboy… is good adrenaline and good competition.” Those English lessons haven’t stuck yet, but we get the gist. He likes the heat.
FINALLY somebody admitted that JB was nervous: Shorty had the nerve to say it. I saw it a few times, but what do I know? I just calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.
Hummer, losing more marbles: “At the moment JB’s like King Midas—he’s got the golden touch, but ultimately it’s the gold buckle that matters.” GAG!! Who writes this f*****g dreck??
Back from another commercial – more JB
- Robson Palermo congratulating Claudio Chrisostomo for his 87-point ride on Ford Hammer Down.
- Matt Triplett’s fierce 88.75ride on Whiskey’s Rebel, which put him in the #6 slot.
- Chaos in the arena! Hou’s Back messed over Kody Lostroh: came out of the chute backwards, shoved Kody against it, kicked open a gate, and headed into the arena, stumbling on the ground—suddenly followed by Panda Tracks, Ben Jones’s next bull, charging out to chase Lostroh around the field. (There’s a first time for everything.) “The flags weren’t for a reride,” Shorty Gorham was laughing, “they were for too many bulls on the field!” Ben: “There went my bull!”
MY CRYSTAL BALL—RIGHT AGAIN
Randy Bernard said “JB is the rock star of the sport,” and that he also can relate to the skateboarders. Um, let’s see; when did I write to the PBR explaining my slogan, “Bull Riders are the New Rock Stars©,” and telling them they can reach young people by relating to Xtreme sports, and go after the skateboarder crowd? April & June, 2010. I also discovered that one of my marketing ideas in 2011 was, “Get bull riders on the covers of romance novels.” It generally takes the PBR two or three years to catch up with me. PAY ME, dudes!! I’ll keep you ahead of the curve.
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
- Brian Canter says he’s coming back next year after surgeries. At this point? I kinda think he’s livin’ in Egypt.
- Chute judge put Fabiano Vieira on the clock pretty damned fast. They use a different clock on Brazilian riders.
- Guys yelling at Valdiron de Oliveira as he was settling himself on California Kid. I guess they’re not happy about his 47% riding percentage.
- Tell me Cody Nance didn’t slap Pandemic before 8! He challenged the judges, who saw it, but gave him 86.50 despite the replay.
- Guilherme Marchi, in 4th place, needed 90.75 to lead, but after weathering a lurching trip on Paleface very well, even when he was thrown forward, he was awarded a measly 83. God don’t like ugly, boys. The crowd wasn’t pleased, either.
- Again, Hummer gives us the crap about Stormy Wing being an “all or nothing” rider: “We always call him “a home run hitter.” (“We” being Craig—the same “we” who calls de Oliveira “the Valdironinator” and Guilherme Marchi “Hollywood”) Eek! Stormy got an 91.25 and a shot to the face, blood and all. This time it was a home run, though.
“He’s seen the silver lining of what he has to do; he’ll try to translate that to tonight’s adversary, Buck Wild.” There are so many things wrong with that sentence, all I can do is shake my head. That’s gotta be a Personal Best for Craig. Or Personal Worst?
- “When my knees are in good shape, I land on my head. When my knees are in bad shape, I seem to keep landing on my knees.”—Ty Pozzobon, who then illustrated: his helmet collided LOUDLY with Spotted Velvet’s skull, and he landed on a knee.
- Ty Murray confessed to being teased in high school for taking gymnastics, but said it helped his dismounts. Shorty: “We wouldn’t have a job if everybody did what Ty did. We need to have some guys have trouble with their dismounts.”
- “No horns, and big flappy eyelashes; you couldn’t ask for more than that.”—Ty, all aflutter about Blonde Bomber, Edevaldo Ferreira’s 87.50 ride.
- Credit Billy Robinson’s daughter Clarissa for his ten Top 10s—he promised her he’d be at another Finals this year.
- Kody Lostroh was the 1st Rookie of the Year to win the World Championship.
LANGUAGE LESSONS WITH PROFESSOR MURRAY
- “For lack of better words, he can get pretty ignorant in the chute.”—Ty describing Buck Wild, who was doing just that in the chute.
- “I like to see a guy that doesn’t stay around too long.”—Ty trying to say that Brendon Clark and Luke Snyder are smart to retire before their riding slacks off, but ends up sounding like, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
- Talking about Kody Lostroh: “I don’t think there’s any guy who’s funner to watch.”
- Describing Ben Jones’s emotional psychological pattern: “It starts to compound and snowball on him.”
YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE JESSE BYRNE
Jordan Hupp got run over by Plummer Butt and was curled up on the dirt; Jesse protected him by literally standing over him. Imagine standing face to face with that bull, and not running??
AND YET MORE REASONS TO BE BUMMED BY HUMMER
“Shane Proctor could not be more off his game.”
Fabiano Vieira is “one of a dozen Brazilians here.”
João Ricardo Vieira is “another Brazilian…” “but he was only second in the round behind JB Mauney.” Around whom the world revolves, apparently.
BULLS THAT MAKE YA SMILE
- After Hot Iron dumped Agnaldo Cardozo (in for Marco Eguchi), he got seriously attitudinous, spoiling for a fight. Think Cowardly Lion: “I’ll fight ya with one paw behind my back! I’ll fight you with both paws behind my back!”
- King Lopez. That bull still kicks ass. Love that flying leap out of the chute.
- Brendon Clark’s reride, Jack Daniel’s Winter Jack, wouldn’t quit. Long after Clark’s ass imprint was a memory, the bull was still bucking all over. Ty Murray: “He’s probably saying, ‘Hey, I didn’t come to Las Vegas for nothing!’”
- Speckled Ivory still brings it! Ridden only 9 times in 3 years. That bull makes me wanna go to Hawaii.
- Past Time was spinning so fast, he made himself dizzy. He kept Mike Lee on way more than 8 seconds—then got him hung up, upside down, by a spur.
JUST CALL HIM YODA
“There’s a big difference between riding a bull and being tied to the back of one.”—Cody Custer.
- Renato Nunes brought 5 hats with him to throw into the stands—that’s his thing at the Finals. Supposedly he said he doesn’t want to won another title, but he does want to win the event. (He might have a chance, since Robson Palermo’s not competing.) The awww! moment: Renato having to walk past himself in the Hall of Champions.
- Luke Snyder’s father pulled his rope: “I started with him, and I’m going out with him.”
- Jory Markiss challenged the stopped clock, but he did slap King of Hearts. “Jory Markiss, who isn’t usually speechless, is left in that state,” said Hummer. When the crowd found out it was only a 3-second ride, they were very vocal about their disappointment. Markiss sure was deflated. All that effervescence fizzled out like flat Coke. (Whoa! Did I just channel Justin McKee?!)
Ty Murray on the Finals: “You have to be tricking your brain a lot. You’re tricking your brain that you’re not scared to death, you’re tricking your brain that the pressure’s not on, you’re tricking your brain that there’s not a million dollars on the line.”