There’s real dirt on the ground, not that limestone trash used in Chicago that made a slip ’n’ slide for the bulls.
ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US WHO LIKE JB MAUNEY: Stop Shoving Him Down Our Throats, PBR!! There Are Other Riders!
The first person the broadcast shows is JB arriving. After the first commercial, Craig Hummer talks about JB. Leah Garcia interviews JB about Chad Ochocinco’s bull riding attempt. (Why?) What JB remembered of Chad: “He wasn’t looking so sure at first.” Back from another commercial: video clips of JB on Bushwacker, more Hummer hyperbole, then an ad about their upcoming matchup. (JB and Bushwacker, that is; not Craig and Bushwacker—although THAT I would pay to see. Maybe we wouldn’t have to listen to Hummer any more.) JW Hart’s dry comment: “JB’s gonna try Bushwacker for the dozenth time.”
Later, more obnoxious PR: The Bummer yelping, “The ride heard round the world!” (How does he not cringe when he hears himself played back?) Next, more Mauney hype delivered by the phonily enthusiastic female voiceover. (The PBR changed from the porn-ish voice; maybe someone heard us saying this is not what you want your kids to hear.) Then they shined up JB’s halo: they’ve discovered they also can tout him as the first American cowboy from east of the Mississippi to win the gold buckle.
Mauney worship wouldn’t be complete without the ridiculous claim that he made “the greatest comeback in the history of sports.” There’s a difference between a comeback and a surge, boys. JB didn’t make a “comeback;” he was never out of the picture! He just rode himself out of a slump. But tonight, Road Candy embarrassed him; JB landed on his knees and elbows and crawled away, then went straight to the locker room. He must’ve felt worse than usual, after all the slobbering being done over him. Later he told Leah he was “starting the wrong streak.” Then you-know-who blathered that JB “has put together perhaps the greatest run this sport has ever seen.” Later after a successful ride, “JB is Superman” was the usually levelheaded JW Hart’s comment. When I joked a while ago that the PBR might as well make Mauney wear a cape, I had no idea they’d already fitted him for it.
SYMPATHY FOR THE DUNCAN
Douglas Duncan was injured in a Touring Pro event in Denver—not his hips this time; it’s his riding hand. He decided to take off a week to focus on the Built Ford Tough Series. As he said, after riding Lil Lanche for 85.25 in Round 1, “It sucks to start out the season this way… I’m just gonna keep rocking.” Added Hummer, making no sense whatsoever: “You just gotta grin and bear it—literally and figuratively.” Duncan later doctored out of the Championship Round, allowing LJ Jenkins to squeak in.
Robson Palermo’s riding percentage right now is 50%. “Robson handles it like the champion that he is,” said JW about Palermo’s 88-point trip on Black Bart. Robson talking about that 50%: “I was supposed to ride better but I got bucked off some bulls.”
- “We’ve got our top two in the world, including two-time World Champion Silvano Alves.” Repeat that sentence out loud a couple of times, Craig, and see if you can discover what’s stupid about it. Then when Silvano made 85.25 on Blues Man: “It is the bull that’s now singing the blues.” OY!
- Hummer described Robson as “perennally tough.” That’s right: perennally. Not perennially.
COULD HE BE ANY MORE NEANDERTHAL??
The Bummer introduced the next rider as, “Ryan Dirteater, the Cherokee Kid, aboard, fittingly, John Wayne.” Can you believe that?? An actor who often played a cowboy who killed Indians, and Hummer thinks this comment is appropriate??
- On screen is a box, listing riders by country. Oh great; let’s make more people focus on nationalities instead of individual riders. For the millionth time, bull riding is not the Olympics. Maybe some day it will become an Olympic sport—I for one would LOVE to see that, and if anyone wants to campaign for it, I’ll be right out front—but right now, PBR bull riders are not set up as teams representing countries.
“We’re going to see 8 different Brazilians in the round,” says The Bummer. You’d hardly know it, from the way he gives all of them the same first name: Brazilian. They’re individuals, not “Bad Boy Mower Lead Dog BRAZILIAN Robson Palermo.”
- Claudio Chrisostomo’s spur hooked in the rope on his way off Freaky Friday. Scary moment, and 81.25 points. Nobody on the dirt had anything to say to him on his way out—no back-clapping. What a bunch of big babies—they haven’t gotten to know him yet, so they can’t make an effort.
- OBNOXIOUS commercial for the PBR’s 21st birthday in Las Vegas featuring a line of gyrating bikini morons, a few of them bouncing their butts with that “You wanna party?” look that hookers have perfected. Way to make women feel welcome, boys. How would you straight men like to be subjected to ads featuring gyrating guys in Speedos, inviting you to party with the PBR?
- Xtreme Sexism: the CBS Sports ad, bragging about its round-the-clock coverage, shows about a dozen sports—but only ONE female athlete. Disgraceful. Did I accidentally wake up in 1898 this morning?
- Rusty Rooster stumbled, slid, scrabbled in the dirt, and nailed Eduardo Aparecido—who kept riding, when many guys would’ve given up, counting on getting a reride. Eduardo got hurt, then Frank Newsom got launched defending him, covering Shorty Gorham’s ass. At least Shorty admitted he wasn’t on the case. 85.25
I’M JUST SAYIN’…
- In the Championship Round, his bull’s maneuver got João Ricardo Vieira’s spur hung in the chute, and at the end of the ride, he was missing his spur and boot heel. He was “unable to declare” to the judges, according to Shorty. Translation: there was no translator. To get a re-ride, Vieira had to bring a judge to the chute to show him the spur lying there. He made good use of the re-ride: 90 points on Kiss Animalize (though we were told 89.50). That was one happy camper!
- The commentator geniuses said Aaron Pass hadn’t been on tour in several years. No, boys, he just hasn’t been on the BFTS. There are other tours. They didn’t acknowledge that Pass has been on the CBR tour—currently in 1st place. “Welcome to the big leagues,” was the snotty comment when California King bucked him off. Pretty insulting. How about some respect for other bull riders, bozos?
- Only one PBR event in all of Georgia? Neither BFTS nor Touring Pro? Booo.
FASHION ALERT? Heck no.
With his overgrown facial foliage, Jordan Hupp now looks like something out of Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
The “Protect your manhood” anti-peepee-leakage commercial is a pip. It’s trying to make what looks like a “light days” sanitary pad sound macho.
- Messy Mossy won lots of ABBI Futurity money, but tonight he exited backwards, took a while to get in gear, and when Valdiron de Oliveira was still on his back, the bull “got confused” and “heads for the hills,” as JDub described it. He really did get freaky, leaping up and squiggling at the fence, scaring people along the rail. (The bull, not JDub.) All that effort for a measly 82.75.
- Taz was growling in the chute; ostensibly he got his name because he sounds like the Tazmanian Devil. In a bizarre synchronicity, just today I watched a few YouTube videos about Tazmanian Devils, and I gotta say, I’ve never heard an animal make a more freakish sound. Yuck. Personality-wise, think Morlock.
- Rusty Rooster was chosen Strongest Bull of the Night, maybe because of what he did to Stormy Wing: besides helping him to an 87.50, he scattered Stormy’s chickens a little; Wing didn’t know where he was for a minute.
RESULTS OF ROUND 1:
Robson Palermo #1, Stormy Wing #2, JR Vieira and Marco Eguchi #3.
- “You can have all the talent in the world, but if you haven’t got it between your ears, you could be here for a year, or you could be here for a week.”—Austin Meier.
- Leah Garcia: “Is showing off the same as having fun? Matt Triplett: “Yes.”
BULL RIDING, IN A NUTSHELL
“Back in the old days they used to just drink beer and eat bacon; now they’re in there working out…” –JW Hart