Things started to get funky in the middle of Finals (or funkier, I should say, ‘cause they haven’t been smelling sweet for quite a while).
SMELL THE FUNK:
“We had the ground rules and we couldn’t change ‘em,” declares Cody Lambert. As we say in New York, “Get outta town!” The PBR changes rules any time they feel like it, according to which rider is in the chute. And if they don’t change ‘em, they just selectively apply ‘em.
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS…
At first I thought it was just me, because I love shiny things, but then I saw that yippee! the dirt really did have gold glitter in it. I think they should adopt this as a permanent feature, with different colors according to where the event is. I vote purple for New York.
- “Pain hurts.”—Kody Lostroh, genius.
- I wish I had a transcript of the really funny discussion of cowboy math. You know how some of the guys are fond of saying that Mississippi Hippy (2300 lbs.) weighs twice as much as Bushwacker? (1700 lbs., in spite of the PBR website that lists almost every bull as 1500 lbs. People, somebody needs to update that!) Ty Murray and Justin McBride are usually heading the multiplication-challenged brigade, but apparently Jody Markiss can top that. Contemplating the size of ol’ Miss., he opined, “If he put on another coupla hundred pounds, he’d weigh a ton!”
HE KNOWS NOT WHEREOF HE SPEAKS
- “An intriguing race…especially when you throw in that judge factor.”—Justin McBride, landing a good one without even knowing it. Atta boy, Justin—although I’m sure you didn’t mean to suggest that perhaps when it comes to riders from south of the border, the judges have a chip on their shoulders the size of North Carolina
- “The PBR’s version of Hump Day, here at the World Finals,” says Craig Hummer, with no idea how funny he is from being around all those Bramers.
KNUCKLE-DRAGGER OF THE MONTH
I was amazed to see Michael Gaffney doing a cameo appearance—where has the G Man been for the past two years? Oops—he opened his mouth, and now I know where: in his cave. He told a story about being in the elevator on his way back from the Finals, where he announced his retirement. Among those in the elevator was Adriano Moraes. Says Gaffney, “He’s kind of emotional; he’s half a girl.”
Neanderthal jerk. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional OR a girl. You’re half the man Adriano is.
CAN’T KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN
Love the locker room shot of Alves, calm as ever, reading what looks sorta like an OTB sheet.
Love what Joao Ricardo Vieira said in his montage. What a sweet man!
- Now that Matt Triplett is The Great White Hope, I wonder how much help he’ll get from the judges, nudging him up to Killer B territory? Nothing against Matt; it’s the judges I revile.
*Note from after Finals: I shoulda put money on it!
- Craig Hummer literally believes that J.B. Mauney is the new Messiah: “That desire he has, has taken on almost Biblical…” wish I had caught the rest of it!
- You know how when a rider almost makes 8 and challenges it, the two clocks show a discrepancy? And the rider loses some time, and doesn’t get a score? Interestingly, when Ryan Dirteater left Winter Jack’s back at 7.90 (for god knows what reason; he was perfect until then) and challenged the time, he actually picked up more time; enough to make 8 and 86.75. Does that mean they fixed the clock, or fiddled with it?
- Of course the Booth Boys were blathering about all the 90-point rides J.B. Mauney has at the Finals. Yup, that’s when the judges do their damnedest to push their boy up in the rankings—and how many of them really were 90-point rides? Not to mention how many times he’s allowed to rewrap. And just as I wrote that, he was given a re-ride option on a different bull.
- Ever notice how every 90-point score is “whopping”? Craig can’t say “90” without sticking “a whopping” in front of it, just like he’s incapable of saying a South American rider’s name without putting “The Brazilian” before or after it.
- “Rumor is he’s going for the round win,” blathers Hummer about Marchi. Because the other guys are going for the round loss.
- Ben Jones is here, but apparently he didn’t want to come out of his room because he didn’t qualify for the Finals. Awwww, come on, Ben—we still love ya even if you don’t dance.
BETTER LEFT UNSAID
- Ty Murray felt compelled to tell us about Gage Gay (in a Krazy Kowboy Verb Tense, no less): “He’s even threw up while he was in the chute.”
- “And speaking of Brazilians…”—Hummer the Bummer
NEW KIDS IN TOWN:
- Cody Webster is the new bullfighter; he was raised by Frank Newsom, and used to wear Shorty’s hand-me-down cleats. Them’s some big footsteps to follow in, but Cody did a great job.
- Fernando Henrique, an invitee from Brazil (so naturally he was referred to as “The Brazilian”) took on Brave Heart and ended up in Sports Medicine. His face mask saved him from having a smashed mug as the bull’s skull bashed him. May I quote Axl Rose: Welcome to the jungle.
This is Mick E. Mouse’s third time at the Finals; it wasn’t the charm, but who expected anyone else but Bushwacker to win Bull of the Year?
This is Smackdown’s last time at the Finals. I’m gonna miss the curly guy. Says Craig Hummer in his not-so-perfect English, “Smackdown wins his final dool.”
Never seen anything like it: There’s no excuse for debuting any bull at the Finals, especially one with Mexican fighting bull blood, bred to fight. Blue Crush tried to jump out of the chute—then made his exit by dragging his ass on the ground like that dog in the commercial (which never fails to make me howl). You know: the one with the itchy a**hole. Hopeless. He did show his fighting streak, though, going at the bullfighters.
- Shout out to us: The Short Bus is the first bull from New York State to make it to the Finals. I told ya there’s bull riding out here!
- Poker Face was unridden in 51 outs—and Renato Nunes broke his streak. YEAH! Backflip time! He thought he was picking a different bull, and when he saw the stats, he said, “Uh-oh.” Unbelievably enough, Ty Murray is still mispronouncing his name, as Noon-yes. The doofi (that’s plural for doofus) judges gave him an 89—just couldn’t bear to waste any confetti on one of those.
- Finally, for the first time in two years of taking crap from the doofi, Alves said the most drastic thing he’s ever said, which thousands of us have been saying for years at the top of our lungs: “The judge is crazy.” Then he got too nice and said, “but I am no judge.” He has far too much patience.
- C Note forgot his A-game, and holy moly! the judges actually stuck it to a non-Brazilian: gave Stetson Lawrence a choice of 70 or a re-ride on King Buck. Yikes.
- “We’ve seen Silvano a few times this season get put on the clock.”—Craig. YA THINK???
ONCE IN A BLUE MOON…
…that “Wired” feature pays off. This time it was Tanner Byrne, addressing White Lie, who was be-bopping in the chute: “Come on, bull!” Not as colorful as Ben Jones on a blue streak, but who is?
GETTING FUNKIER BY THE MINUTE
- The judges were extra sadistic, putting every other rider on the clock. It’s like they just wanted to get it all over with and head to the bar: Ryan Dirteater because he wanted to re-pull his rope, Claudio Crisostomo, who didn’t look settled when they forced him out of the chute, Valdiron de Oliveira, Mike Lee.
- Little Willie was bucking all over the chute, and Emilio Resende would’ve gone flying if somebody didn’t have him in a bear grip. From the Peanut Gallery: “Every time you get off a bull when he’s rocking like that, you’re just rewarding them for that behavior,” followed by, “Emilio didn’t really believe in himself.” This is Ty’s new thing: telling us that “Fill-in-the-blank [usually a Brazilian name] doesn’t really believe in himself.” He recently applied that theory to Silvano Alves. Yeahhh, right. As for Robson Palermo, whom Ty has praised so many times, “He doesn’t trust his shoulders, and he has to get the confidence,” bla bla bla.
- Modified Clyde rattled Douglas Duncan around in the chute, so instead of a DQ for taking too much time in there: a re-ride.
- Kody Lostroh needs 90.25 to lead. Of course they gave him 90, to tie him for 1st place! Compact was boring, but they scored him 50.
- OF COURSE they gave JB 90.25 for riding Hou’s Back (P.F.F.: He had to hang onto the fence to get off the bull, so he didn’t bother going back down to the dirt to exit through the gate; he just hopped the fence.), for his 55th 90-point ride. Yeah, it was a good ride, but the overly generous score was designed to push him up to 3rd.
- “The best one so far in the round—who else? JB Mauney, making an impression…”—The Bummer, licking cowboy boots again.
- “Even though he’s made a safe pick for this round,” snarks Hummer about JRV’s choice of Hy Test.
- Another loud plop on the ground: Mike Lee. He didn’t seem to be fouled; at least not in the replay we saw on TV, but he got a sympathy re-ride.
- “We always see him picking these easier bulls…”—Snot-faced Ty insulting the back-to-back World Champion.
- Silvano’s bull: Here We Go Again. (You think that matchup was an accident? You don’t know Cody Lambert.) Another low score, another attempt to force him to take his re-ride option. I knew the bull was lazy, and the score would be low, but 69?? The crowd was booing—not Alves, but the 69.
- The rest of the commentating descended into shitting on Silvano.
- So the judges fixed it for JB to win the round, and he gets first pick tomorrow.