STOP IT! JUST STOP IT, PBR!! STOP SHOVING J.B. MAUNEY AT US!
We like him, we really, really like him, but KNOCK IT OFF!!
LCS could be broken down into the following categories:
1) THE PBR’S DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN
2) The J.B. Mauney Hour
3) Insulting Los Brasileiros
4) Re-ride Bullshit
5) Wild Bulls
THE PBR’S DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN
By giving J.B. Mauney so much attention and airtime (more than ever before—who would’ve thought it possible??), PBR tried to make TV viewers, especially any new ones, believe that J.B. Mauney is the current world champion, the most important cowboy ever in the sport, the gold standard, everyone’s favorite; G-o-d, with a capital G-O-D.
LOOK: J.B. MAUNEY IS NOT THE WORLD CHAMPION, SILVANO ALVES IS.
J.B. MAUNEY IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT COWBOY IN THE SPORT.
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, ADRIANO MORAES IS, regardless of whether he’s retired. And if anyone reading this blog doesn’t know why, you haven’t been paying attention for the last 10 years!
I am not dissing J.B. His riding and personality have nothing to do with the insane, ass-kissing, slobbering, panting hero worship the PBR has been performing for years. The guy is actually looking embarrassed lately when he gets treated like he’s Mount Rushmore.
Hey, PBR: why not just make a 14-hour documentary about J.B., or better yet, a TV series that runs on a loop, and get it out of your system?! Craig Hummer is so in love with J.B., it’s excruciating to watch (not to mention, hear). He actually blushes if the guy gets near him. Nobody talks about someone that much unless s/he’s in love with him. Thousands of us are fed up with this man-crush. Either he should do something about it, or STFU.
PBR NEEDS TO TREAT OTHER RIDERS WITH EQUAL RESPECT.
The blatant favoritism is sickening! PBR NEEDS TO STOP TREATING VIEWERS AS IF WE’RE IDIOTS, and that all they have to do is say something to make it true.
I and thousands of others refused to cough up for the Pay Per View event (and PBR thought it was so clever, dropping the J.B. bomb right before the event, to boost sales).
BTW, did you know that Unfinished Business is “the most important night in history”? (That’s right: they said HISTORY, not bullriding history.) Another lie to suck in any CBS viewers who don’t know better, so they’ll fork out $30 for the event. I guess a little thing like the Finals isn’t a big magillah.
My observations on the Sunday broadcast are from its second half. I missed the first hour because I just forgot it was on TV; I guess my subconscious wasn’t all that interested in another cheaters convention. (The rest of the report will be in another installment, because yes, there was plenty of good stuff, too.) I can’t imagine how much Mauney Time there actually was, if you add that hour. Here we go, with the highlights from
The J.B. Mauney Hour:
• “And JB Mauney—well, of course he’s on a hot streak,” says Craig Hummer, for the newbies who don’t know that God is in the house. That sentence caused my first scream of the day. This bit of disinformation was intended to put across the myth that J.B. is the most consistent, fantastic rider ever in the history of the sport, and it goes without saying that he’s unbeatable. Wrong on all three counts. P.S.: Who want to take odds on how soon Hummer starts calling J.B. “legendary”? (if he hasn’t already) Or maybe they’ve got that one in the chamber in case he wins the Finals or makes noises about retiring.
• After Robson Palermo got shafted out of a re-ride (more about that later), Hummer of course compared Palermo with J.B., for some reason that made no sense. Apparently everything reminds him of J.B. You know, like when you’re in love. I wish I remembered the exact segue; it was ludicrous.
• Guilherme Marchi (riding percentage: 47.27%) had just finished not making 8 on Houla Hoop (my second scream of the day), and somehow Craig and his fellow Booth Bozo managed to drag J.B.’s name in here, too. They may have been talking about Marchi still riding at age 35 and not planning to retire, because he still enjoys it. The concept that someday J.B. will hang up his spurs has started to dawn, and PBR is prepping us all for the inevitable by having J.B. do a commentator stint for part of “Unfinished Business.” That’s the prelude to “I’m thinking about retiring.” The boy will never lack for work, one way or another. The day they let Marchi work the Booth, I’ll eat my hat.
• After Sanchez bucked off Bonner Bolton (and yes, that’s the right way to say it—if you’re using English: the bull did it to the cowboy, not vice versa), making Bonner the bull’s 10th consecutive victory, Ty somehow found it necessary to quote J.B. (and every other cowboy in the PBR, PRCA, and CBR) saying, “I have to remember to have fun.” That’s what they say when they’re not on a hot streak—when they’re trying to fix the problem, and they’re gonna “go back to the basics,” bla bla bla. There really was no reason for this J.B. reference, either.
• There was all the usual Hummer hysteria: “Still to come! J.B. Mauney…he continues to show why he can’t be counted out for another gold buckle” (talk about a double negative!), “the ride heard round the world,” etc. This is the part of the movie previews when you go out for popcorn or a pee.
• Then even more Hummer hysteria about J.B. at the 2013 Finals—like we haven’t had that sham forced down our throats often enough. McBride joined; that moony-eyed stuff is catching (ha ha). J.B.’s bull Jukebox Hero crashed against the gate, and I think it definitely was a re-ride situation: the bull fouled himself. Instead, they scored J.B. 82.
Says the object of the PBR corporate crush: “Ain’t gotta be 90 every time, you just gotta stay on him.” Whoa—hold up! Isn’t that the opposite of what he’s supposed to say, per the scripted storyline? You know, that “swings for the fences” thing.
Craig said something about “a wrinkle in the rule,” and another scream came out of me. Do we really need another “wrinkle”?? As it is, the PBR rulebook could ldouble as a Shar-pei. Ty got himself all bollixed up, trying to argue against a re-ride, as if what happened was just a challenging moment and didn’t completely screw up the ride; then he ended up agreeing that the re-ride was given because the bull fouled himself. Ty’s schizophrenia is getting worse.
• “We’ve got 24 qualified rides, J.B. Mauney one of them…” babbles Hummer. Yeah, and 19 of them had higher scores, so AARRGGHH!! “It’s not about the points in the round…” Oh, I see; because J.B.’s score was 10 points below the usual, they became not important, but if his ride was scored a 90-something, of course it would be all about the points. This is more of that hypocrisy that makes me sick.
• Unfinished Business “features J.B. Mauney and other World Champions,” says the commercial. Another scream from moi. Who green-lighted that line? It’s absolutely insulting to all the nameless World Champions in ANY organization. This “billing above the title” thing is shitty and unacceptable, and I wish all the rider agents and sponsors would get together and BEEF. The billing is supposed to go: PBR, World Champions XYZ, other PBR cowboys. J.B. Mauney is not The Messiah making a special appearance.
• Reeling off the names of riders who scored, Craig compulsively adds, “and of course, J- B- Mauney.” As if he always scores, he never gets bucked off, he’s perfect. I am too fucking sick of Craig’s J.B. obsession. Somebody needs to rein him in—with a serious bit. If he’s this maniacal before the season break, what are we in for as we approach the Finals? Get the rabies shot ready.
• BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! This is truly incredible. Just when you think there can’t be any more bullshit left, PBR comes up with the MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE EVER HEARD, in a tone solemn enough to introduce a Nobel Prize winner:
“When we come back, we’ll sit down with World Champion J.B. Mauney. Don’t miss this rare glimpse into his perspective and his motivation.” OMG!! RARE GLIMPSE?? These people have been drowning us in interviews every 10 minutes on what might as well be called The J.B. Mauney Channel. AGAIN: HE IS NOT THE WORLD CHAMPION, SILVANO ALVES IS. Of course, new viewers have no clue. They’re being pushed to think that J.B. Mauney is the World Champion, and that an interview with him is practically a once-in-a-lifetime event.
The brilliant exchange:
“There’s no better life.”
–Why would you want to be a bull rider?
“No boss, and you get to do what you love doing, and to make a living doing it.”
–Who or what would stand in your way of winning the world championship this year?
“There’s only one person who can stand in my way, and that’s me.”
[ACTUALLY, THERE ARE A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WHO COULD: SILVANO ALVES AND JOǍO RICARDO VIEIRA.]
–About the difference in his life after his daughter was born:
“…it took me a while to get settled.”
–“…the great bulls you’ve already ridden… Bushwacker, Asteroid—who would you like to ride next?
“Mick E Mouse…He made me look dumb.” (I don’t know why he hasn’t been paying attention; Marlene Henry pulled Mick from the lineup weeks ago.)
Re how many championships he wants:
“I want at least two more, and I’m gonna do everything I can to get them.”
IMHO: There will not be two more championships. The judges will give it their all, though.
–“When Mauney sets his mind to something, he usually gets it.”—Another Craig love note. SO revoltingly corny, and complete bullshit. Remember 2011? Here’s the point at which I started screaming obscenities at Hummer. And we all know that when Silvano Alves sets his mind to something, he never gets it. Three times. (Some of us say 4.)
Then Ty did more raving about J.B. reaching for the fences…
–Somebody said J.B. “has been such a great ambassador for the sport.” Well, the PBR won’t let anybody else be, will they?
–“…another indication of what a rider means to everybody in the sport, everybody stops…”
We’re supposed to believe that the whole arena stops breathing when J.B. gets into the chute. Of course the commentators talk about how the bull is wild, trying to turn over in the chute; then JB gets off the bull. (Can you imagine what would happen if a Brazilian rider did that?) To divert attention away from this, the Booth Boys start Brazilian-bashing: “Valdiron de Oliveira is known to be very particular in the chute.”
“J.B.’s known to be very quick to get out of the chute,” Ty says. Um, I guess he didn’t notice that J.B. was no longer being quick, and we’re supposed to believe what we’re told, not what we see. And then there’s also that J.B. clock…
We’re told that Cochise pinned J.B. in the bucking chute, against his bad knee. When that happens to a Brazilian rider, we’re told the bull is standing just fine, he’s just leaning a little, the rider could shove him over, the rider had plenty of opportunities to get out, etc.
“J.B. Mauney does what he’s supposed to do.” This from Hummer. And what exactly is he supposed to do other than ride bulls, which I guess other riders aren’t supposed to do?
“He’s never really in the position he wants to be in,” says Ty—yet the score is 88.25. Other riders who aren’t in position lose points. Silvano gets shoved down to the high ‘70s or low ‘80s. After the ride, J.B. had to run from Cochise, who made a very interesting charge: twisting, unable to decide who to kill, the guy who rode him, or a bullfighter.
Another interview after the ride (does any other rider get interviewed after every ride?):
–Why do you thrive on this pressure so much?
One of the Booth Boys gives the same old rap about how J.B. shines the brightest when the lights are brightest or whatever that crap is that Hummer always spouts. Craig then gives a dissertation on J.B.’s bad knee, explaining that he took time off from the tour… of course, anyone else who has a bad knee is using it as an excuse.
• More disgusting hype: J.B. is “one of the biggest names in the business, who has a chance to insert himself into the conversation”—who else but Craig, talking about his honey. “He’s got his own theme music, he’s got the world title… he’s got the American…” Uh, he DOESN’T have the world title, it belongs to Silvano Alves, and anybody could have his own theme music, if he could be bothered. The shocker was Ty Murray saying of Mauney’s attempt on Little Red Jacket, “This is a dismount, this is not a buckoff.” Wow, I’m surprised Hummer didn’t slap him and start crying.
Insulting Los Brasileiros
• You already heard “Valdiron de Oliveira is known to be very particular in the chute.” Then there was “He just wanted off that bull.” –Justin McBride being snide about VDO coming unglued. Because Valdiron didn’t make it to 8 seconds, he didn’t get a re-ride, and we’ve been told that a rider must make 8 before he can be offered a re-ride. But there’s that wrinkle…
• Robson Palermo’s bull Smoke Wagon was so fucked up, I can’t believe Robson didn’t get a re-ride. The bull was lumbering back and forth, rolling to the ground, gave a few good kicks that dislodged Robson, then fell down on his side and almost couldn’t get up. (And I just heard that commercial in my head. You know the one I mean.)
• Fabiano Vieira made another unbelievable ride, with his free arm not looking so free, his upper arm held crunched against his body, on Western Hauler, no less, and was insulted with an 83.50.
• Silvano Alves had surgery on his cracked left hip and will be out for about two months (starting last month). Therefore the PBR apparently is forbidden to mention his name.
• Marco Eguchi’s ride on Supercool Cat was reviewed for time. I don’t know why; it was so obvious he made it. (You know I know why.) He deserved more points than 84, but at least he got a hug from Valdiron.
• Rubens Barbosa (1 of 10 kids, started riding at 10 years old) got a bad out on Off the Rez. The bull hipped himself, changed the trajectory of the ride, and stepped on Rubens. Here’s that wrinkle: Ty said, “If you’re going by the way the rule’s written, that would be a re-ride.” So why wasn’t it? The usual reason.
• Kaique Pacheco (#3 in the world, riding percentage: 40.91%) did what he could, but Hungry Eyes’s performance wasn’t great; he scored 82. Ty launched into his idiotic thing about how if the bull did this-or-that, or the rider had to do this-or-that, it would’ve been a buckoff. This time is was about Kaique riding on the end of his arm, and if the bull had been doing something else or kicking harder, that wouldn’t have worked. Here’s the thing, Ty: what Kaique was doing DID work. STFU.
• João Ricardo Vieira (51.79% riding percentage) delivered a beeyouteefull ride on Kiss Animalize, and was given a (gasp!) reasonably fair score of 87.50. So instead of him being interviewed, Matt Triplett was, because he scored 87.
• Talk about fouled in the chute! Crossfire rammed Pacheco’s head into the inside of the chute twice, came out backwards, and changed direction—all the reasons Kaique should’ve had a re-ride. Wrinkle!
• Said Ty Murray about João Ricardo Vieira, “He can’t go out there and just pretend he wants to make the whistle, he needs to go out there and pretend like wants to win first.” Is that insulting enough for ya? I don’t think Vieira’s pretending anything, punk!
• I watched people reacting to JRV after his win. One guy gave him a handshake and clap on the back in passing. One gave a faint handshake. One gave a faint clap on the back. A sour-faced woman handed him a piece of paper. Nobody smiled at him. Not as bad as how they treat Alves, because they like this guy better, but still, shitty.
• The final indignity, post event: Again Ty presumes that the only reason JRV is there is because he wants to win a buckle—not the money, not the title. Uh, I think Vieira might be thinking something else. McBride was just plain bitchy: of course JRV was lucky, he got bulls going into his hand, he’s not good at riding bulls away from his hand, etc.
I’m fucking glad I missed the first half of Sunday’s broadcast!