The Krazy Kowboy Grammar Book

While I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting for the televised bull riding reason to appear, I assembled a few goodies going as far back as 2010–and this is without trying very hard. There’s plenty more buried in other posts– and this season will add to the list. Can’t wait (as I writhe in my seat).

THE KRAZY KOWBOY GRAMMAR BOOK

“It’s amazing to see how far the PBR had came.” I think ya might call that the Past-Past, or Double Past tense.

“That bull knew he done been rode.” In English, that would be the Past-Past-Past tense, but in bull ridin’, that’s the Cowboy Emphatic tense.

“He is got that down.” I think that’s the present tense; couldn’t say for sure.

“They had just a lot of mediocre good bulls.” Okay, not a case of scrambled verbs, but I kinda think a bull’s either mediocre or he’s good, so this would be called Oppositional Adjectives.

“He rode as good as he has rode in the last couple of years.” That is definitely the Past-And-Really-Past tense.

Latest development: Forget “rank,” “really rank” or “very rank”—the new superlative is Double Rank. McKee ran out of adjectives.

“I don’t think anybody has rode two bulls going into the championship round with two 90-point rides.” That ol’ Simultaneous Present-Past tense.

“I believe I’ll get him rode today.” Now that’s the Present-Future-Past tense, courtesy of Ross Coleman.

“Holdin’ onto his bull rope, that’s certainly gonna be the difference-maker here.” Sounds suspiciously like being “the decider.”

“and a whole lot of power Brazilian strength.” As opposed to that power Brazilian weakness.

“When Brendon’s riding well, everything seems to be clicking for him.” Uh-huh, because you’d hate to have that clicking going on when you’re riding badly.

“Now let’s move even further into the present.” Wow.

“…after they see what he may have went through.” There’s just no excuse for this, boys.

“Most bulls got more personality than most people.” If I had to guess, this sounds like Cody Lambert talking. Or somebody talking about Cody Lambert.

“He absolutely efforted himself through that ride.” Ty Murray has invented a whole new language.

“That bull got kind of an effervescent feeling.” You know, like Alka Seltzer.

“I was beat up, crippled up…” Sounds like the opening of a cowboy blues song.

“He has got his fire under his motor.” A motor on fire is not a good omen.

“He’s goin’ in his own motor hisself.” I don’t know what the heck that means.

“Looks like he could’ve ate a sandwich up there.” I don’t think the verb tense is the issue here as much as it is the amount of time Cody Nance takes in the chute.

“He coulda rode this bull all day long and all day tomorrow, too.” Past-future tense?

“It’s the real filthy kinda dirt.” As opposed to the real clean kind of dirt.

“He disgusted hisself.” I think what fools the guys here is that “herself” is a real word, so they assume “hisself” must be, too. Wrong.

“He’da a broke me right there.” As in, breaking a horse?

“I thought my pelvis was broke.” What have they got against using the last “n” in the word?

“He’s gotta get one rode here.” So far not one cowboy seems to know that there is such a word as “ridden,” which would solve a lot of their f’ed up verb tenses.

“Marchi never faced a real injury that has shooken him up.” No, but I think he may have been shooked up.

“Look at the rare” on him. Rare, as in steak?

“JB Mauney has slayed the dragon!” Putting aside the apocalyptic tone of that sentence, “slayed” is wrong, and I’m not going to tell you what’s the right word because I’m sick of this Mauney Messiah business.

“He’s came here and he’s rode…” I’m surprised they don’t think there’s a word called “roden.”

“I thought I had him rode until I nodded my head, and that’s where it all went wrong.” P.F.F. in itself; if everyone could think themselves into making a ride, there would be no need to get on the bull.

“The time has completely ran out.” Ya hate when that happens.

“We’ll see how well the judges think it is.” That one came out of Craig Hummer’s mouth—he’s suddenly channeling cowboys.

“We’re gettin’ bruised an’ sored up.” Yes, those are the correct medical terms.

“Guilherme has rode for so long…” What can I say? It’s true—though not in that verb tense.

“The consistencies that he’s rode with…” I just don’t see why you have to back into a sentence like that. How about, “he’s ridden with consistency”? I’ll bet it sounds wrong to Ty Murray.

“The pendulum has swung back to the judges’ discretion.” OMG, this is another Hummer gem—the verb may be okay, but was the pendulum swinging back to the judges’ indiscretion before?

“Pain hurts.” Wow.

“He’s even threw up while he was in the chute.” Sounds like he got it done before he was even in the chute.

“From this angle you’re not gonna be able to see the trueness of how it was.” Sometimes you just can’t top Ty Murray for bizarre mangling of the English language.

“That can be very hard if you let your brain understand that.” I don’t know about you, but I can keep my brain from understanding a lot of things.

“It’s already like an explosion has went off.” So much for the element of surprise.

“JB gets better when he gets sorer.” As in madder? Or as in, “beat up, crippled up”?

“I don’t think he has came back with it.” I don’t think he has went with it, either.

“The strongest guy in the world is not gonna be able to strength his way through this.” Just like he can’t effort his way through it.

“You can’t just be settin’ up there in a prone position.” I am in despair over this one.

“All the inertia going away from you.” I wonder what it would be like if all the inertia came toward me.

“He almost is like dancing on his feet… knuckling them over…” Most dancing is done with the feet, unless you’re in Cirque du Soleil. And I don’t think most bulls have knuckles, but I could be wrong.

“That was as well of a controlled bull ride as you’re ever gonna see.” The difference between “well” and “good” seems to be a lost cause.

“Another notch in his pistol.” Bedpost would’ve been better, although out of context here.

“St. Louis, I didn’t ride very good, so I needed to refresh my brain.” Put it through the wringer, dude.

“That bull’s kinda terrible wild.” Well, “kinda” terrible wild is better than “really” terrible wild, I suppose.

“No one has rode more bulls” No one has ridden more bulls, either. Ever. In the history of the world.