CHARLOTTE RAMBLINGS

God in heaven, do we have to see J.B. Mauney the second the show starts?? Even before the theme song??

J.B.’s canned responses to questions are getting so boring. Hummer even called it a “mantra.” Then Ty Murray droned on with his own mantra about “big moments.”

“One thing we always see when J.B. Mauney’s in attendance, is that bla bla bla” goes Hummer. Then Ty picks up the bla bla bla, praising their Lord. Why are they ranting on about the guy in 3rd place?

DON’T ASK ME

“Kaique may scramble the alphabet,” says Craig Hummer. Huh? Need some splainin’, dude. Your mind doesn’t work the way other people’s do.

I thought for sure Stetson Lawrence would ride Crossed Fingers, but that bull turns in mid-air! Hummer babbled that the bull was “finally able to crumple up Stetson Lawrence and able to cross the North Dakota cowboy’s wires,“ which made no sense at all, and then added, “Crossed Fingers is snap, crackle, and pop.” I want some o’ what Hummer’s been drinking.

Big set of horns on Billy Bat Skat. Jess apparently was “able to scatter Billy Bat Skat’s chickens.” I don’t know what Hummer was trying to come up with here, but Lockwood came up with an 88.25.

Another unfathomable Hummerism: “Southern Style might make Kolbaba wish the border was a little farther south.”

SURPRISE

Kate Harrison, a prescription blonde, is standing in for Leah Garcia.  Could they find more of a cliché? Fortunately, she seems to be good at her job. However, “a whole ‘nother level” is not English, Kate.

JUST SAYIN’…

Mike Lee was on Crackerjack, and Ty says:  “Look how every jump and kick is like the one before it.” Lee gets an 86. To me, if the bull does the same thing over and over, that’s not much of a challenge, so why should the score be high?

Today’s Athlete Profile was about Jess Lockwood. It would’ve been fine if he never mentioned J.B. (Remember when this used to be Derek Kolbaba?)

Aaron Roy was not in a good place with Hornet’s Nest, and had to rewrap for a second try. Ty was blaming Roy’s confidence level rather than the bull, who was being difficult. Later, Aaron took on Vegas Outlaw, and spent a bit of time (ahem) prepping, and Ty took another shot at him. “It ain’t like you got much to lose, Aaron – you’re 1 for 19.” Roy rode for 86.50 and performed an interesting involuntary somersault getoff. But what’s with Murray’s attitude? Are we gunning for Canadians now?

YAY

Thank god they gave Shorty the job of talking about Kaique Pacheco. Yes, I have noticed that Kaique has the Alves approach – poker face. He’s concentrating, not grandstanding.

SOME ACTION

João Ricardo Vieira is #5 in the world now. Ty caught the Hummer disease: mixing up his metaphors and clichés, and coming up with how “you gotta have that eye on the tiger.” LOL. Fire Rock, who Vieira has ridden before, didn’t have a great trip. Ty said Vieira was flawless, but the score was just 84.75.

Colonel made an impressive leap into the arena, and this was the 3rd time Gage Gay couldn’t ride him.

Cranky Ty was fussing about Eduardo Aparecido taking too long to get ready on Fit To Be Relaxed. Aparecido was launched pretty high at the end of his ride, which Ty said “adds a little nervousness to Fit To Be Relaxed’s day.” I swear, he really did. And Eduardo scored 86.50.

Kaique took on Slick Rick. “Pacheco with a chance to match Mauney” is how Hummer calls it—he is so besotted by his idol that he sees everything and everybody in relation to J.B.  Pacheco needs 89.50 to move ahead of JB. Rides, lands on his feet, and walks away with an 85.50. “To me this guy is more of a machine than a human,” is Ty’s comment. I know you think that’s a compliment, Ty, but maybe you could find a better way to put it so it doesn’t sound like an insult!

Luis Blanco came up with an 87.50 on Rebel Yell. It’s been a while.

SOME SERIOUS ACTION

“Master Moments,” which I hope becomes a permanent feature of the broadcasts, featured 1998 World Champion Troy Dunn scoring 95.50 on Rampage during 1999 World Championship event. Yesss!

ANOTHER LEVEL OF HOLY CRAP

The “Tarheel Nation’s Titan” is Hummer’s latest encomium for his idol, leading into his excited voiceover. GAG ME.

“He always makes time for the fans,” Hummer claims about J.B. WOW. WTF have you been snorting, dude?? Have you ever seen him on the dirt or on the concourse at New York City? In six years I haven’t. (Or in Connecticut, either.)

And guess who “has more tattoos than anyone would care to see on his body”? (You mean, anyone but you!)

After scoring 86.25, J.B. says, “I don’t really worry about event wins.” He doesn’t have to, because the judges will help him with as many round wins as they can. All he has to do is stay on.

Then the PBR tries to shine up his image by showing him giving some kid a buckle. (Photo op.) “And there’s his daughter with a bow in her hair,” Craig says, apropos of nothing. Sitting next to whom, Craig? You neglected to say which woman—her mother, her stepmother, or their current replacement?

KMN! Now we’re calling JB a “PBR legend”?? Has he died and passed into legend?? Somebody tell that fool Hummer to stop using that word until he knows what it means!

THE BOO-BOO REPORT

Cooper Davis is having surgery on his right clavicle, where they’re putting in a plate and 3 screws. Eww!

Valdiron de Oliveira sprained his riding hand, but will be back next week.

Brant Atwood broke his right clavicle.

Ben Jones had reconstructive shoulder surgery, and will be back next weekend.

Robson Palermo’s left arm is totally bandaged. IROC hasn’t been ridden. Not a good combo. Robson was tracking the bull really well– until he wasn’t. Supposedly his free arm going straight up was what sent him off the back of the bull.

YAY–Fabiano Vieira passed the concussion test.

A MIRACLE HAPPENED

Silvano Alves’s bull Big Dan was lying down in the chute. Alves couldn’t get out on the bull—and instead of being DQd, which is usually how they treat him, he was offered a re-ride!

Marchi’s damaged knees held up, giving him his 566th ride and an 84 on Fast Talker.  “Guilherme Marchi has been drinking from the fountain of youth,” was the evaluation, and once again Ty calls him “the Gerry Rice of bullriding.”

YIKES

Fraser Babbington really pissed off Blues Man. Ty translated what the bull was thinking as it attacked Fraser, digging his head into him as Fraser lay on the dirt: “This is the guy that’s gonna die today.”

ARRGGH

Rubens Barbosa could easily have given up, but he stuck on Freakster til almost the bitter end—to 7.98 seconds. He challenged the time, but it didn’t work; he let out a very descriptive screech from where he crouched behind the chutes.

Paolo Lima’s miserable 3 for 23 situation was not helped by Black Warfare, who made it 3 for 24. Sigh.

Jorge Valdiviezo took on Shake It Up, and Ty just couldn’t treat him like any other bull rider. No, it’s all about the nationality. “He’s got all of Mexico riding on his shoulders.” “He wants to be the Adriano Moraes of Mexico.” Stupid, tunnel vision remarks. Jorge looks like one guy, to me, not a whole country. And I seriously doubt that the whole country is aware of a bullrider. P.S., maybe he wants to be the next Adriano Moraes, not “the Adriano Moraes of Mexico.” Think before you put your piehole in gear, Ty.

Marco Eguche on Get Smoked was looking so perfect –until the next-to-last moment (7.85). “He just couldn’t maintain the uprightedness,” was Ty’s assessment. I kid you not. Ty’s rewriting the dictionary.

THE UPSHOT

Jess Lockwood wins his 7th round of the season. Astonishing. This rookie is kicking butt.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Another J.B. Mauney shtick about how he wants Air Time, who has 23 straight buckoffs. Still more about J.B. on Air Time: “You get to watch the two very best go head to head,” according to Ty.

And yet…scroll down to see what happened. Try not to laugh.

CONTINUATION OF CRAPFEST:

After commercial:

“It’s J.B. Mauney who will be the last out of the chutes.”

“Let’s continue to talk about J.B. Mauney and Who Dey.” No, let’s NOT, Craig. A lot of us are SICK of talking about J.B. Mauney. And BTW, the “Titan” didn’t pick Air Time.

OK, so now they’ve backtracked, and Mauney has made “the smart pick” (if this were Silvano Alves, they’d be saying he made “the safe pick”). The prejudice is just blinding!

NYAH NYAH

Canadianaaronroy rode I’m A Gangster Too–now there’s a confidence booster! The bull wasn’t exactly slammin’, but 80 is a score.

NOTE

Only Stetson Lawrence has ridden Slinger Jr., who has 15 straight buckoffs.

SERIOUS ACTION

Eduardo Aparecido was just outrageous on Magic Train! He stuck on there no matter what that bull did. His 87.75 tied him with J.B. for 1st in the event (for now), because god forbid the judges should squeak out that extra .25 and put him ahead of their golden boy.

Kaique Pacheco teamed up with Crazy Horse. He was totally in sync with that bull, adjusting easily, and scored an 88.50.  Immediate reflux action from Craig Hummer (did I say reflux? I meant reflex): “But J.B. Mauney, he’s your defending World Champion for a reason — he loves when the pressure is square on his shoulders.” So, just totally discount what Pacheco did, because there’s only one guy who matters.

YAWN

Stormy “swing for the fences” Wing, bla bla bla –I didn’t even have enough time to finish typing “bla bla bla” before Air Time swung him off. Demented Ty was hoping there would be a re-ride because the bull hung a horn (not much). It happens to plenty of other guys, who don’t get re-rides, darlin’.

CALLING NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON—COWBOY HEADING YOUR WAY

Jess Lockwood got bucked off by Milky Jones. Hummer’s non sequitur: “Milky Jones tried to send Lockwood up into the Milky Way.” Does he really think he’s clever?

ARRGGHH

JRV was just stellar on Hammer It Again, but 7.94 was when he came down. He challenged the time and Craig made some idiotic comment, but I forgot it while I was watching the ride review. He lost some time: it was 7.63 on review. He still gets applause, though.

Marchi on Little Joe needed 88.25 to win, but noooo. I hate that he got bucked off, but I love that growl he does when he gets mad. Somehow the bull got him on the end of his arm, despite spinning into his hand.

TRY NOT TO LAUGH

J.B.  picked Who Dey. I thought for a second Craig called Mauney “the holy hometown son.”  Maybe he did; I wouldn’t put it past him. As we all know, Mauney is up for canonization. There was an embarrassing buckoff; Mauney hung a spur in the flankstrap, was rushed off to Sports Medicine, and Craig got off the subject as fast as possible. Of course next week we’ll hear all about the injuries.

TA-DAA!

Kaique wins the event. And then Hummer, Murray, and Gorham all get on the Pacheco bandwagon, though Hummer managed to squeeze in one more incomprehensible comment: “As he marches on… Kaique’s the one with the stop watch.”

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14 Responses to CHARLOTTE RAMBLINGS

  1. PBR Rebel says:

    I hate that Kaique lost, but he still had a great year! If he would have ridden Slinger Jr, would he have won the world title?

    I’m not too upset about Cooper winning. He’s well behaved and doesn’t come across like a jerk. Heck, I’m just happy JB didn’t win!

    Happy Valdiron had a great finals. Crowd really seemed to give him a great send-off. I’ll miss seeing him on tour. Is he staying in the States or headed back to Brazil?

    I correctly predicted Bruiser would win BBOTY, so 1,000 points for me!

    Also, I was recently arena director/chute boss for a bull riding in my area. Had a couple of former PBR stock contractors, and both of them informed me that if you want to have bulls in the PBR, Cody Lambert has to like you. Multiple times people have told me this jackass is basically running the association. They all speak highly of Tuff Hedeman, though.

    At least the NFR will be a breath of fresh air after watching crooked judges overscore JB the jerk this year. I told the judges at my bull riding that the only times I disagree with the judges is when I’m watching the BFTS; the Challenger events have fair judging because their golden boy is rarely at them!

    Look forward to more of your posts, Kris!

    Like

  2. wanda lilley says:

    I loved the way young Kaique went into the jb world at Chalotte and came away with the head of the dragon.

    Like

  3. mark says:

    This Ben Jones thing is very curious. It seems to me if it were some sort of criminal matter ie drug, assault, etc, his visa would be in jeopardy, same with a DUI, I guess and there wouldn’t be multiple chances. I’m just guessing of course, but there is an information void, I guess drunk in public a few times at events might get you on probation without getting you thrown out of the country. Then a straw that breaks the camels back moment.

    Whatever happened I feel bad for Ben, especially just before the finals. It’ll be interesting to see what to what they say on the television broadcasts.

    Like

  4. Mark says:

    What happened to Ben Jones? Kicked out of PBR? What for, specifically (beyond conduct detrimental to sport) Apparently he was on probation with the PBR?

    Like

  5. PBR Rebel says:

    Hey, Kris. How did you enjoy a full event without the JB clock in use? The only chute bully at this event was Shawn Ramirez, but he was on the sidelines working as the replay judge. It was a breath of fresh air!

    Here’s something for you: I was talking with a rodeo stock contractor a few weeks ago who is about to buy a bunch of bucking bulls. I told him that if ever entered his bulls in PBR or ABBI that I might buy part ownership in some of the better bulls. He told me young bulls are hard to work with (of course), but he told me he’d rather do CBR, as it actually pays the stock contractors more than the PBR! Of course, there’s also the issue with Cody Lambert, who is very difficult to work with.

    Also, have you ever heard of Weird Al Yankovic’s song Word Crimes? I think Bummer and Stone-face Murray need to listen to the song.

    Like

    • I did notice that there wasn’t as much cruelty to Brazilians. Silvano being offered a re-ride instead of a DQ in the chute amazed me. And there were fairer scores, in general.
      When I was able to follow CBR events, I saw that they gave the winning bull teams a lot of money, which surprised me, since their riders’ pot isn’t huge. Good for them! I’ve heard from so many people that Lambert is pretty bad. I can see how he fixes some of the so-called draws to make what he thinks are clever jokes about the riders. It was no accident that Austin Meier once got Austin Nights, and Ryan Dirteater was given Red Man. That was REALLY offensive.
      I have got to hear Weird Al’s song! I probably could write my own, at this point. BTW, have you seen my Krazy Kowboy Grammar Book post? I think you’ll laugh. I can’t remember the date, but maybe you can search for it.

      Like

      • PBR Rebel says:

        Yes, I have read the post regarding grammar. Look up the Weird Al video on YouTube.

        Really pulling for either Kaique or Cooper this year. Actually, anyone who is not JB is fine with me!

        Did you hear that Sage Kimzey is riding at the Blue-Def finals this year? I hope he wins and shows JB how a real champion behaves!

        Like

      • I think the SS Kimzey will show the PBR boys some real competition. I had asked him a couple of years ago what he’d do if the PBR came calling, and he was very level-headed about it. So far he’s walking the talk!

        Like

      • I listened to “Word Crimes” and wish I had known about it when I was teaching writing! I laughed out loud so many times!

        Like

      • PBR Rebel says:

        What happened to Ben? If he stays in the States he is more than welcome to ride at my bull riding next week. And my rodeo next year.
        Cody Lambert and Ty Murray need to have their memberships revoked.

        Like

      • Everybody’s asking the same thing. If I find out anything, I’ll let people know.

        Like

      • So far, the PBR is being very tight-lipped about it, but apparently there’s been more than one incident. I sure hope he can ride in the PRCA or CBR.
        I can’t wait til Lambert retires. They’d better have somebody lined up. Meanwhile, Ty needs a gag order.

        Like

  6. Debra says:

    We watch the PBR with the sound muted and when JB rides we turn the channel. lol

    Like

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