You know what I’m gonna say: once again, J.B. Mauney gets billing above the title, because now he’s #2. Yeah, a whopping 4 points ahead of Kaique Pacheco. Let’s see how long that lasts. And Eduardo Aparecido is #1.
We are going to be subjected to a whole load o’ bullcrap unless Mauney drops out of the top 10—and even then, they’ll still be talking up how he loves a challenge, when the lights shine brightest, bla bla bla.
The PBR Hype Machine is in high gear, because they think their fondest dreams are about to come true. I’ll bet if the hype weren’t so relentless, other cowboys might ride better. This trip they’re laying on us is like psychological warfare—not just on us, but also against the other competitors. If someone could conduct an experiment by hyping a different rider to the max, I’ll bet that rider’s performance would suddenly improve drastically.
Craig Hummer’s usual BS about J.B. in 2013 – “J.B.’s historic comeback…” “Only history will tell…” Somehow Hummer thinks THE WHOLE WORLD is aware of bull riding and of “none other than J— B— Mauney!” in particular. Take a vacation, dude.
But wait—there’s more! Now we have to hear how J.B. is the best clutch rider Justin McBride has ever seen. And then we get a list of his accomplishments, some of which are actually the judges’ accomplishments, in math. He’s the best left-hander… “He is the best gunslinger we’ve ever seen…” Now Leah is asking J.B. about his “place in history.” We even have to hear about his interview from last week.
- Cody Nance lucked out with a re-ride because of Speed Demon’s rear end. Apropos of nothing, Nance was #2 in Sioux Falls.
- Stormy Wing had no luck against Smooth Operator. The bull has a 21/0 record with left handed riders, and helped himself to a 45.
- Marco Eguchi, who’s #14 in the world, has been in a fearful slump: he’s 5 for 22. Biker Bob launched him pretty high, for a score of 44.50. Eguchi hasn’t been up to par since he came back from being injured, and I’m bummed about that.
- I don’t know why on earth Derek Kolbaba challenged his time on Circular Insanity, other than that Kolbaba’s from Walla Walla, and didn’t want to get bucked off in his home state. Jess Lockwood is the only one to ride this bull–twice. The bull’s direction change threw Derek out of rhythm, and his challenge replay made him lose time, as it usually does. BTW: I wish they’d fix that dual clock shit—get with the 21st century, boys; like maybe have two digitized, synchronized clocks, so that if one goes wonky, you have a better backup than some guy with a stopwatch. Oh wait; what am I saying? If you have two totally objective time measures, that really screws up the J.B. clock, doesn’t it?
- Chase Outlaw on Big Black Cat– last time the result was an 87 in Sacramento; his time it was an ignominious attempt. 44.25 for the bull and a nice big yowl from Outlaw on his way down the corridor to the locker room.
- Eduardo Aparecido had a tricky ride on Red Bandana. The aerial view showed the bull rocking Aparecido forward and back. Nothing good came of that. Leave it to Craig to say, “Will leave our World #1 seeing red.”
Wow. Warrant. Who the hell are they, and don’t they know the ‘70s are over? I guess the PBR couldn’t get hold of Black Oak Arkansas.
It’s funny which riders the PBR considers a rookie. Remember when they voted J.W. Harris Rookie of the Year (4-time PRCA Champion)? Cody Teel, with a 45% riding percentage, is the 2012 PRCA World Champion and 2015 CBR World Champion. He’s #13 on the Built Ford Tough Series, and is leading the PBR rookie race. He was showing his stuff, but on Kookaburra, started chopping away too soon; made it to 5.12, and helped the bull to a 44.
HEAR THE SOUND OF THAT FLIP-FLOP?
We see a clip of João Ricardo Vieira producing an 86.50 on Fire & Smoke–and a cute smile. Justin McBride says, “Nobody’s any better when bulls go to the left!” Um, make up your mind, McBride – either it’s your honeybun J.B. or it’s Vieira. So naturally the ride was reviewed to see if Vieira had the rope in his hand at 8.
We’re treated to a replay of Matt Triplett’s trashing by Pearl Harbor in the Championship Round on April 7. Yikes. Cody Lambert thinks the bull, one of 50 Chad Berger brought to this event, is as good as Bushwacker.
“What I like about Chad is, he never stops,” Hummer found it necessary to comment. Neither do you, Craig; neither do you.
When Shane Proctor, who has a 34.15% riding percentage, stuck on Pearl Harbor, Hummer lost his tiny mind: “Shane Proctor has just shocked the world!” Well, no; I’m pretty sure the factory workers in China don’t give a rat’s ass, but Shane probably shocked himself, with a 93.50. The bull didn’t fare too badly, either: 45.75.
In spite of Shane’s amazing feat, Craig of course has to mention J.B. first! I swear, nothing can get that man’s lips offa Mauney’s behind. “We always talk about what a dragonslayer J.B. Mauney is; well, this is his brother-in-law…” Can’t even give Proctor his due, when Shane did something his sacred brother-in-law couldn’t! Shmuck.
I JUST DON’T GET IT
Yet another BadBoyMowerHo telling people to “Mow with an attitude.” It is so unbelievable to me that this company’s ad agency is trying to sell a freakin’ LAWN MOWER as some kind of tough-guy chick-magnet.
Aaand back from commercial, we hear more jawing about J.B. And of course it’s about how he might have another World Championship.
ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE
“I was leading the charge on his band wagon,” McBride proclaimed about Rubens Barbosa. Um, so let me see if I understand this, Justin: you were in the front ranks of some amorphous group trying to attack the Barbosa fan van? Or were you riding on his wagon, leading the charge of this group toward somewhere? You’re giving me a headache.
- Matt Triplett, who has a 44.34% riding percentage and won in Sioux Falls, took on Tractor Tippin. Well, that bull wasn’t tippin’ any tractors, but Matt still scored 87.75.
- Nance’s re-ride was Brown Sugar. Apparently everybody rides Brown Sugar, but he “turns out to be a little sour for Cody Nance,” says the ever-clever Craig. According to Ty Murray, you’d get razzed in the locker room if you didn’t. Wish I had a cowboy cam following Nance down the hall after that.
- Poor Midnight Moon—he was bucking backwards in a desperate attempt to dislodge Cooper Davis, then finally gave up. The poor thing was so freaked out; he tried everything in his repertoire, and didn’t know what else to do, so he quit. Re-ride for Davis.
- Cooper Davis was on After Party. This is the first time I’ve ever seen this bull be “meh.” The 85 was all Cooper’s doing.
- Kaique Pacheco was OTC, getting ready to go out on Asteroid, who has 18 straight buckoffs, and has been ridden once in his last 49 outs. Everyone keeps saying how this bull has lost a step, but that’s all relative. He now knows he doesn’t have to kick out the lights to dump a rider.
CAN I JUST BE JUVENILE FOR A MOMENT…
and say, “Fake out!”
Before we see J.B. getting ready to ride (accompanied by the music to cue the crowd to cheer), we have to see a video of his ride on Bruiser. Then we get the list of Mauney’s Greatest Hits. Hummer actually called him “the greatest rider ever.” OMG Hummer, put your tongue back in your mouth!
Spotted Demon, who is 2 for 38, blew Mauney off at 4.74, and scored himself a 44.75. The Booth Boys all skipped that part and started talking about J.B.’s awful landing. What they seem to have missed was that it could have been a lot awfuller. (I’m sure that’s a cowboy word, right?) J.B. put his arms out first to take the impact on his hands and shoulders, then rolled into a backwards somersault. That’s good survival technique. If he hadn’t done that, he would’ve crashed onto his neck and head. The bull’s landing was pretty bad, too—he skidded onto his nose.