CHARLOTTE RAMBLINGS

God in heaven, do we have to see J.B. Mauney the second the show starts?? Even before the theme song??

J.B.’s canned responses to questions are getting so boring. Hummer even called it a “mantra.” Then Ty Murray droned on with his own mantra about “big moments.”

“One thing we always see when J.B. Mauney’s in attendance, is that bla bla bla” goes Hummer. Then Ty picks up the bla bla bla, praising their Lord. Why are they ranting on about the guy in 3^rd place?

DON’T ASK ME

“Kaique may scramble the alphabet,” says Craig Hummer. Huh? Need some splainin’, dude. Your mind doesn’t work the way other people’s do.

I thought for sure Stetson Lawrence would ride Crossed Fingers, but that bull turns in mid-air! Hummer babbled that the bull was “finally able to crumple up Stetson Lawrence and able to cross the North Dakota cowboy’s wires,“ which made no sense at all, and then added, “Crossed Fingers is snap, crackle, and pop.” I want some o’ what Hummer’s been drinking.

Big set of horns on Billy Bat Skat. Jess apparently was “able to scatter Billy Bat Skat’s chickens.” I don’t know what Hummer was trying to come up with here, but Lockwood came up with an 88.25.

Another unfathomable Hummerism: “Southern Style might make Kolbaba wish the border was a little farther south.”

SURPRISE

Kate Harrison, a prescription blonde, is standing in for Leah Garcia.  Could they find more of a cliché? Fortunately, she seems to be good at her job. However, “a whole ‘nother level” is not English, Kate.

JUST SAYIN’…

Mike Lee was on Crackerjack, and Ty says:  “Look how every jump and kick is like the one before it.” Lee gets an 86. To me, if the bull does the same thing over and over, that’s not much of a challenge, so why should the score be high?

Today’s Athlete Profile was about Jess Lockwood. It would’ve been fine if he never mentioned J.B. (Remember when this used to be Derek Kolbaba?)

Aaron Roy was not in a good place with Hornet’s Nest, and had to rewrap for a second try. Ty was blaming Roy’s confidence level rather than the bull, who was being difficult. Later, Aaron took on Vegas Outlaw, and spent a bit of time (ahem) prepping, and Ty took another shot at him. “It ain’t like you got much to lose, Aaron – you’re 1 for 19.” Roy rode for 86.50 and performed an interesting involuntary somersault getoff. But what’s with Murray’s attitude? Are we gunning for Canadians now?

YAY

Thank god they gave Shorty the job of talking about Kaique Pacheco. Yes, I have noticed that Kaique has the Alves approach – poker face. He’s concentrating, not grandstanding.

SOME ACTION

João Ricardo Vieira is #5 in the world now. Ty caught the Hummer disease: mixing up his metaphors and clichés, and coming up with how “you gotta have that eye on the tiger.” LOL. Fire Rock, who Vieira has ridden before, didn’t have a great trip. Ty said Vieira was flawless, but the score was just 84.75.

Colonel made an impressive leap into the arena, and this was the 3^rd time Gage Gay couldn’t ride him.

Cranky Ty was fussing about Eduardo Aparecido taking too long to get ready on Fit To Be Relaxed. Aparecido was launched pretty high at the end of his ride, which Ty said “adds a little nervousness to Fit To Be Relaxed’s day.” I swear, he really did. And Eduardo scored 86.50.

Kaique took on Slick Rick. “Pacheco with a chance to match Mauney” is how Hummer calls it—he is so besotted by his idol that he sees everything and everybody in relation to J.B.  Pacheco needs 89.50 to move ahead of JB. Rides, lands on his feet, and walks away with an 85.50. “To me this guy is more of a machine than a human,” is Ty’s comment. I know you think that’s a compliment, Ty, but maybe you could find a better way to put it so it doesn’t sound like an insult!

Luis Blanco came up with an 87.50 on Rebel Yell. It’s been a while.

SOME SERIOUS ACTION

“Master Moments,” which I hope becomes a permanent feature of the broadcasts, featured 1998 World Champion Troy Dunn scoring 95.50 on Rampage during 1999 World Championship event. Yesss!

ANOTHER LEVEL OF HOLY CRAP

The “Tarheel Nation’s Titan” is Hummer’s latest encomium for his idol, leading into his excited voiceover. GAG ME.

“He always makes time for the fans,” Hummer claims about J.B. WOW. WTF have you been snorting, dude?? Have you ever seen him on the dirt or on the concourse at New York City? In six years I haven’t. (Or in Connecticut, either.)

And guess who “has more tattoos than anyone would care to see on his body”? (You mean, anyone but you!)

After scoring 86.25, J.B. says, “I don’t really worry about event wins.” He doesn’t have to, because the judges will help him with as many round wins as they can. All he has to do is stay on.

Then the PBR tries to shine up his image by showing him giving some kid a buckle. (Photo op.) “And there’s his daughter with a bow in her hair,” Craig says, apropos of nothing. Sitting next to whom, Craig? You neglected to say which woman—her mother, her stepmother, or their current replacement?

KMN! Now we’re calling JB a “PBR legend”?? Has he died and passed into legend?? Somebody tell that fool Hummer to stop using that word until he knows what it means!

THE BOO-BOO REPORT

Cooper Davis is having surgery on his right clavicle, where they’re putting in a plate and 3 screws. Eww!

Valdiron de Oliveira sprained his riding hand, but will be back next week.

Brant Atwood broke his right clavicle.

Ben Jones had reconstructive shoulder surgery, and will be back next weekend.

Robson Palermo’s left arm is totally bandaged. IROC hasn’t been ridden. Not a good combo. Robson was tracking the bull really well– until he wasn’t. Supposedly his free arm going straight up was what sent him off the back of the bull.

YAY–Fabiano Vieira passed the concussion test.

A MIRACLE HAPPENED

Silvano Alves’s bull Big Dan was lying down in the chute. Alves couldn’t get out on the bull—and instead of being DQd, which is usually how they treat him, he was offered a re-ride!

Marchi’s damaged knees held up, giving him his 566^th ride and an 84 on Fast Talker.  “Guilherme Marchi has been drinking from the fountain of youth,” was the evaluation, and once again Ty calls him “the Gerry Rice of bullriding.”

YIKES

Fraser Babbington really pissed off Blues Man. Ty translated what the bull was thinking as it attacked Fraser, digging his head into him as Fraser lay on the dirt: “This is the guy that’s gonna die today.”

ARRGGH

Rubens Barbosa could easily have given up, but he stuck on Freakster til almost the bitter end—to 7.98 seconds. He challenged the time, but it didn’t work; he let out a very descriptive screech from where he crouched behind the chutes.

Paolo Lima’s miserable 3 for 23 situation was not helped by Black Warfare, who made it 3 for 24. Sigh.

Jorge Valdiviezo took on Shake It Up, and Ty just couldn’t treat him like any other bull rider. No, it’s all about the nationality. “He’s got all of Mexico riding on his shoulders.” “He wants to be the Adriano Moraes of Mexico.” Stupid, tunnel vision remarks. Jorge looks like one guy, to me, not a whole country. And I seriously doubt that the whole country is aware of a bullrider. P.S., maybe he wants to be the next Adriano Moraes, not “the Adriano Moraes of Mexico.” Think before you put your piehole in gear, Ty.

Marco Eguche on Get Smoked was looking so perfect –until the next-to-last moment (7.85). “He just couldn’t maintain the uprightedness,” was Ty’s assessment. I kid you not. Ty’s rewriting the dictionary.

THE UPSHOT

Jess Lockwood wins his 7^th round of the season. Astonishing. This rookie is kicking butt.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Another J.B. Mauney shtick about how he wants Air Time, who has 23 straight buckoffs. Still more about J.B. on Air Time: “You get to watch the two very best go head to head,” according to Ty.

And yet…scroll down to see what happened. Try not to laugh.

CONTINUATION OF CRAPFEST:

After commercial:

“It’s J.B. Mauney who will be the last out of the chutes.”

“Let’s continue to talk about J.B. Mauney and Who Dey.” No, let’s NOT, Craig. A lot of us are SICK of talking about J.B. Mauney. And BTW, the “Titan” didn’t pick Air Time.

OK, so now they’ve backtracked, and Mauney has made “the smart pick” (if this were Silvano Alves, they’d be saying he made “the safe pick”). The prejudice is just blinding!

NYAH NYAH

Canadianaaronroy rode I’m A Gangster Too–now there’s a confidence booster! The bull wasn’t exactly slammin’, but 80 is a score.

NOTE

Only Stetson Lawrence has ridden Slinger Jr., who has 15 straight buckoffs.

SERIOUS ACTION

Eduardo Aparecido was just outrageous on Magic Train! He stuck on there no matter what that bull did. His 87.75 tied him with J.B. for 1^st in the event (for now), because god forbid the judges should squeak out that extra .25 and put him ahead of their golden boy.

Kaique Pacheco teamed up with Crazy Horse. He was totally in sync with that bull, adjusting easily, and scored an 88.50.  Immediate reflux action from Craig Hummer (did I say reflux? I meant reflex): “But J.B. Mauney, he’s your defending World Champion for a reason — he loves when the pressure is square on his shoulders.” So, just totally discount what Pacheco did, because there’s only one guy who matters.

YAWN

Stormy “swing for the fences” Wing, bla bla bla –I didn’t even have enough time to finish typing “bla bla bla” before Air Time swung him off. Demented Ty was hoping there would be a re-ride because the bull hung a horn (not much). It happens to plenty of other guys, who don’t get re-rides, darlin’.

CALLING NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON—COWBOY HEADING YOUR WAY

Jess Lockwood got bucked off by Milky Jones. Hummer’s non sequitur: “Milky Jones tried to send Lockwood up into the Milky Way.” Does he really think he’s clever?

ARRGGHH

JRV was just stellar on Hammer It Again, but 7.94 was when he came down. He challenged the time and Craig made some idiotic comment, but I forgot it while I was watching the ride review. He lost some time: it was 7.63 on review. He still gets applause, though.

Marchi on Little Joe needed 88.25 to win, but noooo. I hate that he got bucked off, but I love that growl he does when he gets mad. Somehow the bull got him on the end of his arm, despite spinning into his hand.

TRY NOT TO LAUGH

J.B.  picked Who Dey. I thought for a second Craig called Mauney “the holy hometown son.”  Maybe he did; I wouldn’t put it past him. As we all know, Mauney is up for canonization. There was an embarrassing buckoff; Mauney hung a spur in the flankstrap, was rushed off to Sports Medicine, and Craig got off the subject as fast as possible. Of course next week we’ll hear all about the injuries.

TA-DAA!

Kaique wins the event. And then Hummer, Murray, and Gorham all get on the Pacheco bandwagon, though Hummer managed to squeeze in one more incomprehensible comment: “As he marches on… Kaique’s the one with the stop watch.”